SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 01/14/06: Mr. Willoughby


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Mr. Willoughby

Written by: Tina Fey

Rose…..Rachel Dratch
First Sister…..Tina Fey
Second Sister…..Scarlett Johansson

[open on title screen: “Focus Features”]

Voice Over: Focus Features, in association with Studio Canal [dissolve to title screen: “Studio Canal”], presents the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby. [dissolve to title screen: “Mr. Willoughby”] [dissolve to parlor of upper-class home with two young women in Victorian dress as a third enters]

Rose: [entering and rushing to the window] I thought I heard a carriage! Mr. Willoughby should be arriving any moment!

First Sister: Will he be staying for tea?

Second Sister: Mother says he’s looking for a bride.

Rose: [she comes up behind her sisters and hugs their shoulders] I wish we could all marry Mr. Willoughby, for we are like an clump [sic] of cherries that cannot be separated.

First Sister: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nutmeats.

Rose: [gasps] And I shall play the pianoforte! [frolics towards the piano and sits on the bench]

Second Sister: And I shall sing him a fine contralto. [she gestures to First Sister, and they both join Rose by the piano]

All Three: [singing] I met a girl from Ashby; her hair was chestnut brown.

Rose: [gasps and leaps up from the bench] Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheek.

Second Sister: And the thickest orange hair.

Rose: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats.

[Second Sister and First Sister promenade across the parlor]

Second Sister: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes.

Rose: One for winter…

First Sister: And one for funerals!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles.

First Sister: Mr. Willoughby’s nose looks as if it’s been dipped in poppyseeds.

Rose: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn.

First Sister: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one.

Second Sister: His eyes are ever so piercing: one, brown; the other, milky white.

All Three: [joining hands and skipping in a circle] Mr. Willoughby reeks of urine! [with long “i” in “urine”] [dissolve to stock footage of the countryside]

Voice Over: Three sisters, hoping for love. The love of a man named Willoughby. In this, Jane Austen’s final and only half-finished work.

[dissolve to parlor, where the first sister sits by the window as Rose and her other sister play at cards]

First Sister: I saw him Sunday last at church, and he waved at me with his crooked, yellow fingers.

Rose: He lingers after every service to offer fellowship to the boys’ choir. [gasps] Rumples! [sets down her cards, as does her sister]

Second Sister: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear.

Rose: I purloined his blood-stained snuff rag, and I keep it in my Bible.

First Sister: Rose, you dare not!

Rose: In the pages about Delilah!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: He’s the most eligible bachelor in all of Upper Cornholeshire.

First Sister: Some say he’s a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!

Rose: Some say he’s ill tempered, but I say he’s just mean!

Second Sister: They said his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard.

First Sister: Some say, at night he roams the field, performing lewdnesses on the livestock, but I believe it!

Rose: Some say Mr. Willoughby isn’t a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on.

All Three: [laughing] I shall marry him, nonetheless! [they join hands and dance in a circle as period music plays] [title: “Mr. Willoughby”]

Voice Over: Mr. Willoughby, coming soon to a tiny, depressing theater near you.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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