Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 10
Written by: Tina Fey
First Sister…..Tina Fey
Second Sister…..Scarlett Johansson
[open on title screen: “Focus Features”]
Voice Over: Focus Features, in association with Studio Canal [dissolve to title screen: “Studio Canal”], presents the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby. [dissolve to title screen: “Mr. Willoughby”] [dissolve to parlor of upper-class home with two young women in Victorian dress as a third enters]
Rose: [entering and rushing to the window] I thought I heard a carriage! Mr. Willoughby should be arriving any moment!
First Sister: Will he be staying for tea?
Second Sister: Mother says he’s looking for a bride.
Rose: [she comes up behind her sisters and hugs their shoulders] I wish we could all marry Mr. Willoughby, for we are like an clump [sic] of cherries that cannot be separated.
First Sister: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nutmeats.
Rose: [gasps] And I shall play the pianoforte! [frolics towards the piano and sits on the bench]
Second Sister: And I shall sing him a fine contralto. [she gestures to First Sister, and they both join Rose by the piano]
All Three: [singing] I met a girl from Ashby; her hair was chestnut brown.
Rose: [gasps and leaps up from the bench] Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheek.
Second Sister: And the thickest orange hair.
Rose: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats.
Second Sister: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes.
Rose: One for winter…
First Sister: And one for funerals!
All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!
Second Sister: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles.
First Sister: Mr. Willoughby’s nose looks as if it’s been dipped in poppyseeds.
Rose: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn.
First Sister: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one.
Second Sister: His eyes are ever so piercing: one, brown; the other, milky white.
All Three: [joining hands and skipping in a circle] Mr. Willoughby reeks of urine! [with long “i” in “urine”] [dissolve to stock footage of the countryside]
Voice Over: Three sisters, hoping for love. The love of a man named Willoughby. In this, Jane Austen’s final and only half-finished work.[dissolve to parlor, where the first sister sits by the window as Rose and her other sister play at cards]
First Sister: I saw him Sunday last at church, and he waved at me with his crooked, yellow fingers.
Rose: He lingers after every service to offer fellowship to the boys’ choir. [gasps] Rumples! [sets down her cards, as does her sister]
Second Sister: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear.
Rose: I purloined his blood-stained snuff rag, and I keep it in my Bible.
First Sister: Rose, you dare not!
Rose: In the pages about Delilah!
All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!
Second Sister: He’s the most eligible bachelor in all of Upper Cornholeshire.
First Sister: Some say he’s a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!
Rose: Some say he’s ill tempered, but I say he’s just mean!
Second Sister: They said his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard.
First Sister: Some say, at night he roams the field, performing lewdnesses on the livestock, but I believe it!
Rose: Some say Mr. Willoughby isn’t a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on.
All Three: [laughing] I shall marry him, nonetheless! [they join hands and dance in a circle as period music plays] [title: “Mr. Willoughby”]
Voice Over: Mr. Willoughby, coming soon to a tiny, depressing theater near you.[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93