Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
January 21st, 2006
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) moderates the forum via satellite, as New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin (Finesse Mitchell) clarifies his “chocolate city” comments,Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) clarifies her “plantation” comments, and Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) rambles.
Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Ray Nagin, Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton.
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Peter Sarsgaard’s MonologueSummary: Peter Sarsgaard shows behind-the-scenes footage of his attempts to dispel his creepiness among the cast.
Bio: Peter Sarsgaard (1971-). Actor; frequently cast as a supporting character in popular films; co-founded the improvisational troupe Mama’s Pot Roast while a student at Washington University in St. Louis.
Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.
Target GreatlandSummary: Target clerk (Kristin Wiig) keeps customers waiting as her manager (Peter Sarsgaard) savors his coffee break.
Recurring Characters: Target clerk.
Pirate ConventionSummary: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! A group of pirates welcome Peter Sarsgaard to their convention, and purposely find reasons to make him emphasize the R’s in his words.
Carol!Summary: While at an art gallery, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up Harrington the artist (Peter Sarsgaard) with their skanky friend, Carol (Horatio Sanz).
Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A musical tribute to “Mr. Young Chuck Norris (Andy Samberg).”
Cat FancySummary: A writer (Seth Meyers) for Cat Fancy magazine is fired for plagierism by his editor (Peter Sarsgaard), in this spoof of the 2003 film “Shattered Glass.”
Note: Boom mike visible.
The Strokes perform “Juicebox”First Performed: 01k.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) are against President Bush’s wiretapping efforts because they’re still sore about losing theirrespective elections to him. Drew Barrymore objects to Tina Fey’s joke about her boobs.
Gays in SpaceRecurring Characters: Billiam, Thad, Givindy, Loretta, Judine.
Note: Because of Maya Rudolph’s continued absence, Will Forte performs the opening song.
Fairmont Suites InnSummary: A traveler (Peter Sarsgaard) suffers through the hotel’s televised ad (Rachel Dratch) when he can’t find the remote control in his room.
Note: Gaffes abound throughout the sketch when the TV picture disappears after Peter Sarsgaard hits it, Peter Sarsgaard and Rachel Dratch laugh consistently, and a stagehand’s head can be seen depositing the remote control into the scene.
National Security AgencySummary: A pair of NSA agents (Peter Sarsgaard, Jason Sudeikis) monitor the mundane phone conversations of a couple of old ladies (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch).
The Strokes perform “You Only Live Once”
Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS GuardsSummary: The bird flu may be the current disease rage, but Peter Sarsgaard is still trying to unload previous bad investment opportunity, SARS Guards with his face on them.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date talks endlessly, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. He eventually lands, and loses, a co-starring role in a movie with Scarlett Johansson.
Note: Though an awkard delay, this Digital Short would eventually air on the Steve Martin episode.
Al Pacino Checks His Bank BalanceSummary: After his agent (Rachel Dratch) informs him that he’s losing money, Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls his bank to check his balance.
Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.
Note: A later draft of this sketch would eventually air on the live episode hosted by Dane Cook next season.
Tranquil SpacesSummary: A yoga instructor’s (Peter Sarsgaard) moment of zen is ruined by a bum (Andy Samberg) bleeding in his studio space.