Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
Anderson Cooper 360
Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Anderson Cooper: The Mayor of New Orleans and the Senator from New York, both defending racially-charged statements. I’m anderson Cooper. See the news reflected in the shimmering blue pools that are my eyes. 360 starts now.
[ opening montage rolls, then returns on Anderson ]
Anderson Cooper: Thank you. Good evening. We begin tonight in New Orleans, a city still stung by Hurricane Katrina. A city I am no stranger to. A city which I spent a lot of time, post-hurricane. Pretty moving stuff, if you remember – and I think you do. Monday, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin made comments, saying that “God caused Hurricane Katrina” because of the U.S.’s Iraq policy, and he continued to say that New Orleans needed to be rebuilt as a “Chocolate City.” Joining us now, is Mayor Ray Nagin.
Ray Nagin: [ on satellite ] Thank you, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: Now, Mr. Mayor, how do you expect your white constituents to react to your comments that New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a Chocolate City?
Ray Nagin: Well, Anderson, unfortunately, this country has many deep-seated issues about race. So much so, that, when I used the term “chocolate,” people immediately think I meant black. But, in fact, I meant delicious.
Anderson Cooper: So, you’re saying New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a “delicious” city?
Ray Nagin: Yes, Anderson. See, for the past few months, when people hear New Orleans, they think, “Oh, that’s bad.” But we need to get into a place where people say, “Mmm. That’s good!” We need to get delicious, Anderson!
Anderson Cooper: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, this is a sort of, uh, political double-speak is not appreciated. You know, if anything, now is the time for straight talk.
Ray Nagin: Anderson. Anderson, let me make something perfectly clear: I’m a crazy person. Alright? Now, don’t forget I’m crazy just because I’m the Mayor. You know? I was crazy before the hurricane hit, and, if anything, it made me crazier!
Anderson Cooper: Joining us now, the Rev. Jesse Jackson. [ show Jackson on satellite ] Uh, Reverand, as a black leader, how do you feel about the idea of a Chocolate City?
Jesse Jackson: Anderson. I love chocolate. But a city cannot be sweet-specific. New Orleans must become a dessert cart. With a mosaic of sweets. You must have chocolate. As well as vanilla. So the dessert cart.. can roll on. You must have caramel, representing the skin tone of Hispanics. And custard, for Asians. And the dessert cart.. rolls on. There must be a creme-brulee, for the French-speaking Creoles. And tiramisu, should there be, around any Italians anywhere! And the dessert.. rolls on. Anderson, we must find room in our bellies for baked Alaska, should, for some unforeseen reason, an Eskimo want to move to the new New Orleans! And the dessert cart.. rolls on! And on! It’s TIME to make the doughnuts!! The dessert cart.. rolls on!
Anderson Cooper: [ stunned ] Joining us now, is New York senator Hillary Clinton. Good evening, Senator.
Hillary Clinton: [ on satellite ] Good to be here, Anderson!
Anderson Cooper: Now, Senator Clinton, you said on Monday that Congress is being run like a plantation. Care to explain yourself?
Hillary Clinton: [ ridiculously chipper and upbeat ] Absolutely, Anderson! No one seems to realize that I was talking to a predominantly black audience!
Anderson Cooper: [ blinks ] How does that explain your comments?
Hillary Clinton: Isn’t it obvious? I was pandering! I wanted to paint the Republican Majority in the worst possible light to a black audience. That meant my options were “plantation” or “haunted house.” I was afraid not enough people would get “haunted house”, so I went with “plantation”!
Anderson Cooper: I see.
Hillary Clinton: If it were a Jewish audience, I would have said they were running Congress “like a concentration camp!” A Hispanic audience, I would have said it was like “being run by a landscaping company!” Gay audience – “figure skating coach.”
Anderson Cooper: [ shakes his head ] Wow. Final thoughts. Mayor Nagin?
Ray Nagin: I know a lot of people are angry that I implied “God caused Hurricane Katrina,” but, for al lwe know, He did! Now, let’s remember, it’s impossible to know what God is thinking. God created the giraffe – and you can’t tell me that is one ridiculous animal! [ laughs and smiles ]
Anderson Cooper: Senator Clinton?
Hillary Clinton: In closing, let me just say: “Congress is being run like a mismanaged hedge fund.” That was for you white people!
Anderson Cooper: Great. Rev. Jackson?
Jesse Jackson: We must think of New Orleans like a box of crayons. Remembering to discard colors like Aquamarine.. Magenta.. and Purple. Because those colors would look terrifying.. and human skin.
Anderson Cooper: [ blinks rapidly ] Great. Coming up next – Larry King spends an in-depth hour with someone you were pretty sure was probably dead. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”