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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes
Nelson Baby Toupees
Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader
[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.
[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]
[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]
Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?
[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]
Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.
[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!
[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]
Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?
[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]
Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.
[ cut to product display ]
Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.
[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]
Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.
[ fade ]
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