SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Nelson Baby Toupees

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11














05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Nelson Baby Toupees

Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader

[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.

[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]

Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.

[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!

[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]

Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.

[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]

Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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