SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Nelson Baby Toupees


buy diapersshop plus shop for all your baby needs.
britax car seats, similac, baby registry and more.Get $10 offyour first order of diapers
use code JALX4547$49 min. total order

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Nelson Baby Toupees

Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader

[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.

[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]

Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.

[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!

[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]

Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.

[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]

Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x