SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Carol!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11



05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Carol!

Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader

(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)

Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.

Efrem: Thank you.

Jim: You’re welcome.

Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.

Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.

Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?

Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(back to scene)

Amanda: Carol, yeah–

Carol: Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.

Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!

Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.

Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?

Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.

Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?

Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.

Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!

Jim and Amanda: Carol.

Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.

Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!

Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!

Carol: Oohh! Thank you.

Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)

Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!

Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.

Carol: Why? I love cat food!!

Efrem: You are truly ethereal!

Carol: Oh, thank you.

Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?

Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.

Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)

Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!

Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.

Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)

Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?

Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.

Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.

Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.

Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.

Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)

Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.

Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!

Efrem: PBS.

Carol: PBS?

Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.

Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!

Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)

Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?

Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?

Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.

Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)

Jim: Chin-chin.

Amanda: Oh, boy.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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