Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes
Carol!
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader
(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)
Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.
Efrem: Thank you.
Jim: You’re welcome.
Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.
Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.
Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?
Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.
Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?
(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)
Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!
Amanda: Carol!
Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!
Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and then poses)
Carol:I’M CAROL!!
(back to scene)
Amanda: Carol, yeah–
Carol: Oh, hi Jim.
Jim: Hi, Carol.
Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.
Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!
Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.
Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?
Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.
Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?
Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.
Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!
Jim and Amanda: Carol.
Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.
Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!
Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!
Carol: Oohh! Thank you.
Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)
Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!
Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.
Carol: Why? I love cat food!!
Efrem: You are truly ethereal!
Carol: Oh, thank you.
Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?
Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.
Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)
Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!
Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.
Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)
Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?
Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.
Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.
Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.
Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.
Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)
Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.
Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!
Efrem: PBS.
Carol: PBS?
Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.
Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!
Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)
Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?
Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?
Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.
Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)
Jim: Chin-chin.
Amanda: Oh, boy.
Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!
Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)
Carol:I’M CAROL!!
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
