SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Carol!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes


Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader

(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)

Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.

Efrem: Thank you.

Jim: You’re welcome.

Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.

Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.

Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?

Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!

“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(back to scene)

Amanda: Carol, yeah–

Carol: Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.

Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!

Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.

Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?

Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.

Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?

Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.

Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!

Jim and Amanda: Carol.

Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.

Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!

Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!

Carol: Oohh! Thank you.

Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)

Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!

Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.

Carol: Why? I love cat food!!

Efrem: You are truly ethereal!

Carol: Oh, thank you.

Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?

Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.

Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)


Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.

Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)

Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?

Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.

Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.

Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.

Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.

Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)

Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.

Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!

Efrem: PBS.

Carol: PBS?

Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.

Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!

Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)

Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?

Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?

Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.

Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)

Jim: Chin-chin.

Amanda: Oh, boy.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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