SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Gays in Space


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Gays in Space

Space Creature…..Will Forte
Billiam…..Fred Armisen
Thad…..Chris Parnell
Givindy…..Kenan Thompson
Captain Trip Bunchkin…..Peter Sarsgaard
Maitre D’…..Bill Hader
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch
Judine…..Paula Pell
Lesbian…..Tina Fey
Ex-Boyfriend…..Finesse Mitchell
Paolo…..Jason Sudeikis
Pegasus Man…..Seth Meyers

[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]

Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]

Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.

Male Chorus: Five.

Space Creature: Say what?

Male Chorus: Four.

Space Creature: Nuh-uh.

Male Chorus: Three.

Space Creature: Go ahead.

Male Chorus: Two.

Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?

Male Chorus: One.

Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!

[dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”] [spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]

Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.

Thad: [voice over] Reducing.

Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.

[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]

Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge!

[they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]

Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?

Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!

Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.

Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]

Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!

Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?

Trip: Yeah.

Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]

Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.

[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]

Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.

Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.

Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?

Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?

Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.

Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.

Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.

Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?

Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.

Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.

[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]

Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.

[a minor chord sounds]

Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.

[all laugh]

Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.

[the two men approach]

Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]

Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!

Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.

Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?

Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it!

[other crewmen murmer]

Thad: She is much unhappy about this.

Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!

Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.

Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.

[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]

Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.

[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]

Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.

Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?

: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.

Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus!

[all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”] [dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]

Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.

[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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