Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
Gays in Space
Space Creature…..Will Forte
Captain Trip Bunchkin…..Peter Sarsgaard
Maitre D’…..Bill Hader
Pegasus Man…..Seth Meyers
[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]
Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]
Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.
Male Chorus: Five.
Space Creature: Say what?
Male Chorus: Four.
Space Creature: Nuh-uh.
Male Chorus: Three.
Space Creature: Go ahead.
Male Chorus: Two.
Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?
Male Chorus: One.
Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space![dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”] [spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]
Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.
Thad: [voice over] Reducing.
Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]
Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.
Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge![they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]
Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?
Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!
Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.
Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]
Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.
Billiam: That’s what he said![Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]
Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.
Billiam: That’s what he said![Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]
Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!
Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?
Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]
Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]
Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.
Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.
Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?
Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?
Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.
Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.
Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.
Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?
Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.
Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]
Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.[a minor chord sounds]
Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.[all laugh]
Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.[the two men approach]
Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]
Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!
Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.
Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?
Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it![other crewmen murmer]
Thad: She is much unhappy about this.
Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]
Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!
Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?
Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.
Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]
Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]
Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.
Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?
: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.
Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?
Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus![all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”] [dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]
Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]
Submitted by: DavidK93