SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: National Security Agency


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

National Security Agency

Helen…..Amy Poehler
Peg…..Rachel Dratch
NSA Agent…..Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on seal of the National Security Agency, with inspiring percussion music and scrolling title of voice over]

Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.

[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call] [the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]

Helen: Hello?

Peg: Helen, it’s Peg.

Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?

Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that’s the best I can expect these days.

Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?

Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?

Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.

[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]

Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?

Helen: Well, Peg, it’s quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he’s moving to Dallas.

Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?

[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]

Helen: I know. Now we’ll never see the grandkids.

Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don’t ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he listens intently]

Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?

Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They’re just evil!

[the NSA agent beckons to a second agent ]

Helen: Well, they’re family, Peg.

Peg: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I’m gonna support them, send them money when they need it.

Helen: How old are they now?

Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.

[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]

Helen: Mmm, adorable.

Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?

Helen: Nine, eleven.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing “nine eleven”]

Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.

Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?

[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]

Peg: Oh, he’s good. Ooh! I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but since you’re my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]

Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?

Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?

Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.

Peg: Oh, what did you see?

Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.

Peg: Oh! Yeah, I’ve heard of this. What’s it called?

Helen: Oh, it’s, uh, oh, what is it?

Peg: Something on the Range?

Helen: No, no, Mountain something.

Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.

Helen: Yeah, mountain…no, that’s not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?

Peg: No, that’s not it.

NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it’s Brokeback Mountain!

Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that’s it.

Helen: That is it.

Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.

Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!

Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.

Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?

[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]

Peg: Who knows?

Helen: Well, I’ll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.

Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?

Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let’s go over the plans one last time.

Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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