Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
National Security Agency
NSA Agent…..Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent…..Jason Sudeikis
Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call] [the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]
Peg: Helen, it’s Peg.
Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?
Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that’s the best I can expect these days.
Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?
Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?
Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]
Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?
Helen: Well, Peg, it’s quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he’s moving to Dallas.
Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]
Helen: I know. Now we’ll never see the grandkids.
Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don’t ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he listens intently]
Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?
Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They’re just evil!
Helen: Well, they’re family, Peg.
Peg: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I’m gonna support them, send them money when they need it.
Helen: How old are they now?
Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]
Helen: Mmm, adorable.
Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?
Helen: Nine, eleven.[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing “nine eleven”]
Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.
Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]
Peg: Oh, he’s good. Ooh! I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but since you’re my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]
Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?
Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?
Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.
Peg: Oh, what did you see?
Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.
Peg: Oh! Yeah, I’ve heard of this. What’s it called?
Helen: Oh, it’s, uh, oh, what is it?
Peg: Something on the Range?
Helen: No, no, Mountain something.
Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.
Helen: Yeah, mountain…no, that’s not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?
Peg: No, that’s not it.
NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it’s Brokeback Mountain!
Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that’s it.
Helen: That is it.
Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.
Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!
Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.
Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]
Peg: Who knows?
Helen: Well, I’ll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.
Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?
Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let’s go over the plans one last time.
Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand…[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93