SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Pirate Convention


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

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Pirate Convention

Red Beard Pete…..Will Forte
Ted…..Fred Armisen
Arthur…..Jason Sudeikis
Dinkins…..Andy Sandberg
Bartholomew…..Horatio Sanz
Pirate 1…..Bill Hader
Pirate 2…..Chris Parnell
…..Peter Sarsgaard

(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to anactivities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention.Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated withpirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. Agroup of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirateattire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wildhair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parroton his shoulder, he is at the podium)

Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down,settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourthannual pirate convention. I be your moderator RedBeard Pete. We first like to thank the good people ofthe Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Notout first choice but there was no vacancy at ourfavorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.

All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!

Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcomemy first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.

(Dinkins steps up to the podium)

Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!

Arthur: AHOY!


Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Dinkins: Ted!

Ted: Here.

Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we don´t need aroll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking alocation for next year´s convention. Any ideas?

Bartholomew: AR-R-R-R-R-RKANSAS!!

Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?


Red Beard Pete: Nice one.

Dinkins: Boston.

Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.

Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when wearrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THEHAR-R-RVAR-R-R-RD YA-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time tobring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will bepleased. Dinkins do the honors.

Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stagesta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!

All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)

Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!

Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.

Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well it´s an honor to be here. Idon´t know a lot about pirate culture but when myagent told me about this convention I immediately saidyes. I´m always up for experiencing new things so Ihope to learn as much from you guys as you may fromme.

Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will behaving a question for Sarsgaard?

Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film “TheWedding Crashers” was rated?

Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I thinkthere was some nudity so maybe it was rated “R”?

All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!

Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over theyears. Have ye ever worked with cross dressingCorporal Klinger from “MASH”?

Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?

All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: No, I´ve never worked with him.

Arthur: Ok.

Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site tosee people make love to barnyard animals?

Peter Sarsgaard: I don´t know. Umm, maybe

Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinkingloveinthebarnyard.or-r-r-r-r-r-rg!!

All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!

Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the nameof that first one again?

Peter Sarsgaard: It´s

Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.

Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain thatspecializes in roast beef sandwiches?

Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arby´s?

All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBY´S!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I seewhat´s going on here. You guys don´t know anythingabout me do you? The only reason you have me here isbecause my name has a bunch of “R” sounds in it.

Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Really?

Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing I´ve done.(Lowmurmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!

Red Beard Pete: Well, umm…why don´t you name somestuff you´ve done?

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about “Jarhead”?

All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, “Garden State”?

All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: “Boys don´t Cry”?

All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)

Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology.The only reason we brought you here is because you´reSarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number.Provided by your truly and Dinkins.

(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with theother pirates)

Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joinsin)H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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