Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards
[open on Peter Sarsgaard standing in front of a blue curtain, with light, twinkly music playing]
Peter Sarsgaard: Hi. I’m critically acknowledged actor Peter Sarsgaard [title: “Peter Sarsgaard, ‘Jarhead,’ ‘Garden State’], and today I’d like to talk to you about a very serious matter. We live in a world where we’re never sure where the next infectious disease will strike. Today, that disease is bird flu. [a graphic appears at the upper right of a rooster with title: “BIRD FLU”] Three years ago, that disease was SARS. [graphic changes to an Asian man wearing a cotton mask marked “SARS”] Do you remember that? I do. Because three years ago, I developed these. [the graphic disappears and he walks to a display of cotton masks] The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, the only commercially available SARS guard with my picture on it. [he has picked up a SARS guard with his picture and name on it] Now, normally I’d never try to take advantage of a terrible tragedy, but my name is Peter Sarsgaard; it was kind of a no-brainer. But the fact is that I now have several warehouses full of Peter Sarsgaard brand SARS guard. [dissolve to a warehouse with a banner: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards,” with his picture] Two hundred and fifty million of them, to be exact. [dissolve to Peter] Originally retailing for a hundred and twenty dollars–a price I now realize was obscenely high, they can now be had for the very reasonable price of five for a dollar. [a graphic appears showing “$120” crossed out in red, with 5/$1.00 written below it, and then disappears] Now, the Saarsgard SARS Guard is sixty percent effective against the SARS bacteria. [An animated graphic shows a human figure wearing a Sarsgaard SARS Guard, and a small red cloud of SARS in front of his face. The cloud shoots rays of SARS towards his mouth, and about half of the rays continue into the man’s lungs.] That’s sixty percent. That’s nearly ten percent more effective than the natural filters contained within the human lung. [gestures towards his chest] Now, I have to be honest. It’s been pretty difficult to sell these things. Not only will the AMA not certify the Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, they won’t even return my calls. I swore that I would never say this about anyone, but I hope that all those AMA turkeys get SARS. But I don’t want you to get SARS! Now, I made a terrible decision by getting involved with these SARS guards, but you might not be making a terrible decision by not getting involved with them today. [he suddenly looks perplexed, unsure of if he’s endorsed the product or not] [dissolve to title screen with image of two SARS guards: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards”]
Narrator: The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard.[a small box expands into the image of Peter Sarsguard in front of the blue curtain and sits in the lower left corner of the screen]
Peter Sarsgaard: [holding up a SARS guard] The only SARS guard with my face on it.
Submitted by: DavidK93