Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 11
Target Clerk…..Kristen Wiig
Female Customer…..Amy Poehler
Male Customer #1…..Kenan Thompson
Male Customer #2…..Chris Parnell
[open on exterior of store: “Target Greatland”]
[dissolve to interior with clerk waiting on a female customer]
Target Clerk: [with odd pronunciations of many words] Is this box of cherclates gonna be for a valentine?
Female Customer: Uh, ch-chocolates? No, no, it’s for my secretary.
Target Clerk: You know, we’ve gotten in a lot of really special items in for the Valentine hulliday.
Female Customer: Oh, uh, no thanks. I’ll probably do that shopping in February.
Target Clerk: Oh, you know, January is the best month to shop. We have all-new merchandise in for Valentine’s, but we also have all those clearance items left over, you know, from the Christmas hulliday.
Female Customer: Oh, I’m fine with what I have, but thank you.
Target Clerk: We have, for Valentine’s, some cherclate. It’s like a cherclate heart; it’s hollow, ’cause inside there’s a little necklace. It’s kind of like a gold. So the cherclate, you have that, but then that’s gone, but then they have the necklace; they can wear that all the time–it’s a whole other gift!
Female Customer: Oh, that’s very sweet.
Target Clerk: Oh, they’re marvellous! Oh, if only they came in a caramel, or a chopped aulmond!
Female Customer: You know, I really have to–
Target Clerk: What, what is this? [picks up a metallic tote from the customer’s cart] A metallic tote? Do we have more of these?
Female Customer: Uh, yeah. [she points] I think they’re over– [the clerk drops the tote and dashes away from the register] Where is she going? Excuse me, are you the manager?
Manager: [approaching and holding a cup of coffee] Uh, yes I am, but I’m on my break. Ooh, I wish I could help you.
Female Customer: Well, the sales clerk just ran off in the middle of ringing me up.
Manager: You know, I can’t really do anything about that. I’m on my break. [shrugs] I’m having a flavored coffee.
Female Customer: Is there anyone else that can help me?
Manager: You know what? No. Ooh, I’m so sorry for you right now.
Target Clerk: [returning with a metallic tote] Hallelujah! If I get invited to an Oscar party, I have a date. [finishes ringing up the purchases] That’ll be $62.12.
Female Customer: I’m sorry, all I have is a hundred. [hands the clerk a bill]
Target Clerk: Oh, I’ll have to check for the watermark. [holds the bill up to the light] IT’S LEGIT!!! [cheers with her fists]
[the clerk rings through the register and hands the customer her change]
Female Customer: Thank you. [exits]
Manager: I just have to say this out loud: I’ve having one of the best breaks of my career.
Male Customer #1: [arrives with a large box] Excuse me, I’d like to exchange this Toastmaster.
Target Clerk: Oh! I am not authorized to do a return.
Manager: Yeah, ooh, you’re gonna have to find a manager. [sighs]
Male Customer #1: But you’re the manager. I mean, that’s what your nametag says.
Manager: Yeah, but I’m on break. [whispers] And can I just tell you, it’s a good one. [regular voice] Ooh, you know, this flavored coffee–mmm–it gets better as it gets colder.
Male Customer #1: No, that’s all right. I’ll just exchange it at Wal-Mart. [hisses] That’s where I bought it anyway. [exits]
Manager: Oh, I don’t want this break to end.
[a second male customer approaches the register and lays a pillow sham on the conveyor]
Target Clerk: Oh! Well, look at how small your fingers are! If you and I were in a shoe-tying contest, I think I’d just have to leave. Well, what is this? An African-inspired pillow sham? Do we have more of these?
Male Customer #2: Yeah. [he points] They are– [the clerk drops the pillow sham and dashes away from the register] Wait! Where is that woman going?
Manager: Ooh, are you talking to me? See, I wasn’t listening, ’cause I’m on my break right now. Are you familiar with International Delight flavored coffee creams? Hmmm?
Male Customer #2: Yes.
Manager: Yes, but have you tried them?
Male Customer #2: No.
Manager: [giggles] I cannot wait to tell my sister how good this break was.
Target Clerk: [returning with a pillow sham] Eureka! I’m gonna lay this out across the back of my terlet. $21.12. [the customer produces a card] ATM?
Male Customer #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Target Clerk: Please enter in your secret code.
[the clerk and the manager turn away while the customer inputs his code]
Male Customer #2: I’m done.
[they both turn back around]
Target Clerk: APPROVED!!! [cheers with her fists] Just as a reminder, Valentine’s is just around the kerner.
Male Customer #2: Around the what?
Target Clerk: Around the kerner. Oh, you really don’t have much time. May I suggest some of our cherclates? We have stuffed teddy bears that are holding, like, a small bouquet.
Male Customer #2: No thank you.
Target Clerk: Oh, well we also have a scented candull. [customer exits] It’s a scented aphrodesiac candull. It’s called a love candull…
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93