SNL Transcripts: Peter Sarsgaard: 01/21/06: Target Greatland


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristen Wiig
Female Customer…..Amy Poehler
Manager…..Peter Saarsgard
Male Customer #1…..Kenan Thompson
Male Customer #2…..Chris Parnell

[open on exterior of store: “Target Greatland”] [dissolve to interior with clerk waiting on a female customer]

Target Clerk: [with odd pronunciations of many words] Is this box of cherclates gonna be for a valentine?

Female Customer: Uh, ch-chocolates? No, no, it’s for my secretary.

Target Clerk: You know, we’ve gotten in a lot of really special items in for the Valentine hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, uh, no thanks. I’ll probably do that shopping in February.

Target Clerk: Oh, you know, January is the best month to shop. We have all-new merchandise in for Valentine’s, but we also have all those clearance items left over, you know, from the Christmas hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, I’m fine with what I have, but thank you.

Target Clerk: We have, for Valentine’s, some cherclate. It’s like a cherclate heart; it’s hollow, ’cause inside there’s a little necklace. It’s kind of like a gold. So the cherclate, you have that, but then that’s gone, but then they have the necklace; they can wear that all the time–it’s a whole other gift!

Female Customer: Oh, that’s very sweet.

Target Clerk: Oh, they’re marvellous! Oh, if only they came in a caramel, or a chopped aulmond!

Female Customer: You know, I really have to–

Target Clerk: What, what is this? [picks up a metallic tote from the customer’s cart] A metallic tote? Do we have more of these?

Female Customer: Uh, yeah. [she points] I think they’re over– [the clerk drops the tote and dashes away from the register] Where is she going? Excuse me, are you the manager?

Manager: [approaching and holding a cup of coffee] Uh, yes I am, but I’m on my break. Ooh, I wish I could help you.

Female Customer: Well, the sales clerk just ran off in the middle of ringing me up.

Manager: You know, I can’t really do anything about that. I’m on my break. [shrugs] I’m having a flavored coffee.

Female Customer: Is there anyone else that can help me?

Manager: You know what? No. Ooh, I’m so sorry for you right now.

Target Clerk: [returning with a metallic tote] Hallelujah! If I get invited to an Oscar party, I have a date. [finishes ringing up the purchases] That’ll be $62.12.

Female Customer: I’m sorry, all I have is a hundred. [hands the clerk a bill]

Target Clerk: Oh, I’ll have to check for the watermark. [holds the bill up to the light] IT’S LEGIT!!! [cheers with her fists] [the clerk rings through the register and hands the customer her change]

Female Customer: Thank you. [exits]

Manager: I just have to say this out loud: I’ve having one of the best breaks of my career.

Male Customer #1: [arrives with a large box] Excuse me, I’d like to exchange this Toastmaster.

Target Clerk: Oh! I am not authorized to do a return.

Manager: Yeah, ooh, you’re gonna have to find a manager. [sighs]

Male Customer #1: But you’re the manager. I mean, that’s what your nametag says.

Manager: Yeah, but I’m on break. [whispers] And can I just tell you, it’s a good one. [regular voice] Ooh, you know, this flavored coffee–mmm–it gets better as it gets colder.

Male Customer #1: No, that’s all right. I’ll just exchange it at Wal-Mart. [hisses] That’s where I bought it anyway. [exits]

Manager: Oh, I don’t want this break to end.

[a second male customer approaches the register and lays a pillow sham on the conveyor]

Target Clerk: Oh! Well, look at how small your fingers are! If you and I were in a shoe-tying contest, I think I’d just have to leave. Well, what is this? An African-inspired pillow sham? Do we have more of these?

Male Customer #2: Yeah. [he points] They are– [the clerk drops the pillow sham and dashes away from the register] Wait! Where is that woman going?

Manager: Ooh, are you talking to me? See, I wasn’t listening, ’cause I’m on my break right now. Are you familiar with International Delight flavored coffee creams? Hmmm?

Male Customer #2: Yes.

Manager: Yes, but have you tried them?

Male Customer #2: No.

Manager: [giggles] I cannot wait to tell my sister how good this break was.

Target Clerk: [returning with a pillow sham] Eureka! I’m gonna lay this out across the back of my terlet. $21.12. [the customer produces a card] ATM?

Male Customer #2: Mmm-hmmm.

Target Clerk: Please enter in your secret code.

[the clerk and the manager turn away while the customer inputs his code]

Male Customer #2: I’m done.

[they both turn back around]

Target Clerk: APPROVED!!! [cheers with her fists] Just as a reminder, Valentine’s is just around the kerner.

Male Customer #2: Around the what?

Target Clerk: Around the kerner. Oh, you really don’t have much time. May I suggest some of our cherclates? We have stuffed teddy bears that are holding, like, a small bouquet.

Male Customer #2: No thank you.

Target Clerk: Oh, well we also have a scented candull. [customer exits] It’s a scented aphrodesiac candull. It’s called a love candull…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x