SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Steve Martin
Spokesman…..Chris Parnell

[ open on couple trying to balance their checkbook ]

Wife: (sighs) I just can’t get these numbers to add up.

Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.

Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?

Spokesman: [walks in] Maybe I can help.

Husband: We sure could use it.

Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.

Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.

Spokesman: Well, you’re not the only ones. Did you know that millions ofAmericans live with debt they cannot control? That’s why I developed thisunique new program for managing your debt. It’s called [presents book]”Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford.”

Wife: Let me see that… [grabs book, reads] “If you don’t haveany money, you should not buy anything.” Hmm, sounds interesting

Husband: Sounds confusing.

Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you save.

Husband: Give me that… [grabs book, looks at it] And where would you get this saved money?

Spokesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.

Wife: Ok, so what if I want something but I dont’ have any moneySpokesman: You don’t buy it.

Husband: Well let’s say I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyways?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Husband: Now I’m really confused!

Spokesman: It’s a little confusing at first.

Wife: Well what if you have the money, can you buy something?

Spokesman: Yes.

Wife: Now take the money away. Same story?

Spokesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.

Husband: I think I got it. I buy something I want, and then hope that I can pay for it right?

Spokesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.

Husband: Oh, THEN you buy it. But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Wife: Why not?

Spokesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless andthe book is free.

Wife: Well, I like the sound of that.

Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Spokesman: [shakes head]

Announcer: So get out of debt now, write for your free copy of “Don’t BuyStuff You Cannot Afford.” If you buy now you’ll also receive, “Seriously,If You Don’t Have the Money, Don’t Buy It!” Along with a 12-monthsubscription to “Stop Buying Stuff Magazine.” So order today!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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