Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short: Close Talkers
Written by: Will Forte
Gary…..Steve Martin
Ben…..Will Forte
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to what appears to be a hotel lobby, with a buffet table set up in the middle. Gary and Ben stand on opposite ends of the table, occasionally looking up at one another. They each seem to recognize the other. ]
[ soft, twinkling piano music pots up as Gary and Ben take one hard look at one another, then take a step toward one another, until they are face-to-face as though contemplating embracing for a kiss, until: ]
Ben: Gary? How are you?
Gary: Ben? I thought that was you! Hi!
Ben: It has been so long! You look great!
Gary: Not as good as you look!
Ben: Gary, thank you for saying that, because I’ve been feeling very insecure lately, and that comment is just what the doctor ordered.
Gary: That was an easy prescription to fill.
Ben: There’s that ol’ sense of humor!
Gary: I’m not joking. You look great.
[ the soft, twinkling piano music pots up again ]
Gary: Thank you.
[ an uncomfortable moment, as: ]
Ben: So, uh.. you’re standing a little closer than usual.
Gary: [ defensive ] What are you implying?
Ben: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?
Gary: You know what?
Ben: What?!
Gary: All of a sudden, I have to go!
Ben: Then, all of a sudden – go!
Gary: Fine!
Ben: Fine!
[ they storm away from one another. The soft, twinkling piano music pots up again, as Ben stops and turns back. ]
Ben: Wait! Gary!
[ they walk back to one another, stopping with their lips barely an inch apart ]
Gary: What?
Ben: Sorry. It’s just, I was a little upset with the distance, and I lashed out.
Gary: What if I move back a little?
Ben: That would be great.
[ Gary doesn’t move an inch ]
Gary: How’s this?
Ben: Great! That’s great! [ a beat ] Well, I’d better get going. Give my best to Denise and the kids.
Gary: Will do. Oh, and Ben?
Ben: Yeah?
Gary: [ changes his mind ] Nothing.
Ben: Okay. I’ll see you later.
[ they turn away from one another, then Gary stops and turns his head back ]
Gary: Hey, Ben?
Ben: [ stops, turns his gaze to reveal a look of innocent longing ] Yeah?
Gary: Keep in touch.
Ben: Yeah. Let’s grab dinner sometime.
[ cut to wide shot, the two men on opposite edges of the screen ]
Gary: I’d like that.
Ben: I would, too.
Gary: Bye.
Ben: Goodbye.
[ they disappear from the frame ]
[ fade ]
