Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Midge Hartzinger…..Rachel Dratch
Jack Patrick…..Steve Martin
[open on a woman’s hands building a wooden bird feeder]
Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.[title: “Naturally Crafting”] [the shot pulls out to show the woman building the bird feeder, and she has very bushy hair and is wearing a loose button-down shirt with a vest]
Midge: Hello and welcome to “Naturally Crafting.” I’m your host, Midge Hartzinger, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on a bird feeder here–made entirely with natural glues. [she sets it down on the table, and it immediately falls over] I’ll just fix that later. Well, I’m extremely honored to welcome Mr. Jack Patrick to the show. He’s gonna show us how to fashion a heart shaped pinecone wreath for Valentine’s Day. Come on in, Jack!
Jack: Hi, Midge! [he enters holding some reeds and leaves, and is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and a long ponytail]
Midge: Oh! Jack, tell us at home: how are Valentine’s Day wreaths different from Christmas wreaths?
Jack: Instead of circles, they are shaped as hearts. [he sets the items he brought down on the table next to some pinecones]
Midge: Hmmm, what woman wouldn’t be overjoyed to receive an original Jack Patrick wreath for Valentine’s Day? Now, what do we need to get started?
Jack: Well, just some braches, some pinecones, acorns, dried flowers, anything organic.
Midge: Mmm, you know, wreaths are the perfect way to liven up a home in cold weather. You know, with the nor’easter blowing in, Jack, you might not be able to drive back to Shelburne before nightfall. [chuckles]
Jack: [chuckles] I think I can make it. I got snow chains on the car.
Midge: Well, I’m just saying, if you need to, you can crash right here at Craft Holler.
Jack: [chuckles] Well, thanks, Midge, but I won’t need to. I’ve driven in way worse storms than this, so I don’t see any reason why I would need to crash here at Crash Holler.
Midge: Craft Holler.
Jack: Craft Holler.
Midge: Now, if you did end up having to crash, we could just sleep in my featherbed, you know, heads at opposite ends, of course. I’ve got lots of quilts. We could even make some hot toddies.
Jack: Well, show’s only a half hour, and it hasn’t really started snowing yet, has it? So I don’t think I’ll need to crash here at Craft Holler.
Midge: Yeah, you’re probably right, but I’m just saying “Mi craft casa es su craft casa,” so feel free to crash.
Jack: Yeah, but I definitely won’t need to. Thanks anyway, Midge. So, okay. First thing you want to do here is start twisting your branches. Make sure they’re not to brittle. [he takes a branch in his hands and begins twisting it]
Midge: Okay, that’s gonna be a great wreath. Jack, do you ever us flowers in your valentine wreath?
Jack: Oh, excellent question, Midge, but some people like to use roses but I just like to–
Midge: If it were to really start snowing, I mean really coming down, you know, and you did have to crash here at Craft Holler, we could just watch the snow fall, sit by the fire, I could maybe bust out the mandolin and in the morning I could make my famous pumpkin pancakes.
Jack: Well, I’m sure they’re delicious but, again, I got my truck and it’s a four-wheel drive, and I got my cell phone, a CB, full-on army-grade survival kit in the cab, as well as a week’s supply of potable water.
Midge: Hmmm, and that means?
Jack: So I will be able to get out of here, even in the deepest of snows. So believe you me, a night will not be spent here at Craft Holler! [turns from Midge back to the camera] Of course, we don’t have a thing to do, like, the whole thing, but we do have a finished product right here.[Jack reaches under the table and pulls out a completed heart shaped wreath]
Midge: Yes. You know–ooh. One of the nicest things about a snowstorm is the snuggle factor. Don’t you think, Jack? Snuggle factor?
Jack: [sets the wreath down] You know, Midge, you’re doing it again.
Midge: I’m just gonna slip into something a bit more comfortable. Would you excuse me for a moment?
Jack: Midge, you know you’re still on tape, right? Look, Midge, I am onto your game! And I have let passion get in the way of my crafting too many times. Now my only lady friend is my hot-glue gun. [he holds up a hot-glue gun] [Midge returns, holding a mandolin and wearing a maroon sweater, a brown wool jacket, a purple knitted scarf, and mittens that match the scarf] Whoah!
Midge: Ah, that’s more like it.
Jack: [nearly growling] Midge!
Jack: You look so lovely when you’re not in your crafting clothes.
Midge: Well, I have another side, Jack; I’m not just about crafting. Though I am mostly about crafting. [she flings the end of her scarf over her shoulder]
Jack: Midge, are those boiled wool mittens?
Jack: Good God, control yourself, Jack Patrick! Control yourself! [he stalks towards the door] Farewell to you, Midge! [he opens the door and is met by blowing snow, and closes the door without leaving]
Midge: So, the toddies, then?
Jack: Yes! [he saunters towards her] Damn you, Midge. [he rips off his flannel shirt to reveal red long johns] Damn you, Craft Holler![Midge grabs Jack and they quickly fall to the floor before the clothing they were both wearing is seen being thrown up into the air as the theme song plays]
Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.
Submitted by: DavidK93