Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
State of the Galaxy 2145
Brian Williams 3000…..Seth Meyers
Chris Matthews……Darrell Hammond
President George Q. Bush…..Will Forte
Hillary Clintron 1…..Rachel Dratch
Hillary Clintron 2…..Amy Poehler
[ open on fururistic news logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching NBC News coverage of the State of the Galaxy Address, January 31st, 2145. And now, the Brian Williams 3000.[ dissolve to Brian Williams 3000 in the news studio ]
Brian Williams 3000: Good evening, I’m the Brian Williams 3000. The Tom Brokaw 2600 is being repaired. Tonight, President of Earth George Q. Bush will address the planet with his State of the Galaxy Address. We’re joined now by a hologrammed Chris Matthews. Chris, what can we expect from the President tonight?[ cut to a hologrammed Chris Matthews ]
Chris Matthews: Well, President Bush continues to face criticisms — he’s facing criticism for the war on Pluto! It’s been seven years! It’s becoming clear Pluto has no ties to Al-Quaeda! These are the same problems that plagued his father’s presidency, as well as his grandfather’s, his great-grandfather’s, both uncles, and all of his six cousins!
Brian Williams 3000: So, what’s your gut feeling, Chris?
Chris Matthews: It’s hard to say, as I don’t technically have a gut!
Brian Williams 3000: [ to viewers ] And it looks like President Bush is now entering the Expedia.com U.S. Capitol Building. We take you there now.[ dissolve to President George W. Bush stepping to the front of the room to thunderous applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Good evening. In this next year, the Federation of Earth will be called upon to show our strength… and stay the course. If we can do that… I say, firmly… that the state of the galaxy is strong. And, together… we will make it stronger.[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Freedom in our galaxy, continues to spread. The planet Jupiter just held presidential elections for the very… first… time.[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: Unfortunately, the creatures of Jupiter elected the radical Flurgon Party, who have promised to destroy Earth within the year.[ the Speaker clumsily stands up and claps alone, until he realizes his error ]
President George Q. Bush: But there is good news in the war against terrorism. We are very… close… to capturing… Osama bin Laden.[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: It is finally time for our planet to address our energy crisis. The sun is almost gone, and we are addicted to the sun. No one saw this coming. No one. And no one is blaming anyone… but, basically… if you can avoid using electricity, that would be great! Okay?[ he awkwardly claps his own hands a couple of times, desperately looking around for someone to join his chorus ]
President George Q. Bush: No? Okay. [ continuing ] I want to congratulate Congress, for putting aside bipartisan issues to pass the Social Security bill. Now our nation’s elderly need never worry again about their golden years. As of next week, every American over 50… will be launched into the deepest recesses of space.[ applause ] [ the elderly Vice-President jumps to his feet and runs from the stage ]
President George Q. Bush: We must applaud the Army Corps of Engineers… who, last month, finished building the levees that will protect New Orleans from Category 5 hurricanes. As for the Category 12 hurricane, now battering the Gulf Coast… [ shrugs ] Well, what are ya’ gonna do?[ applause ]
President George Q. Bush: So, uh — thank you. So, in summary… things are looking up! You know? We’ve made some mistakes, but, uh… we’re working hard! Real hard! Good night… and God bless.[ applause ] [ dissolve back to Brian Williams 3000 ]
Brian Williams 3000: When we return, a response from the opposition by Hillary Clintron.[ reveal the twin Hillary Clintrons ]
Hillary Clintron: GOOD TO BE HERE, BRIAN!!
Brian Williams 3000: You’re watching NBC Nightly News — on Fox.[ cut to logo ] [ fade ]