SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: Hamas Celebration Party


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Hamas Celebration Party

…..Steve Martin
Hamas Leader #1…..Fred Armisen
Hamas Leader #2…..Bill Hader
Hamas Leader #3…..Seth Meyers

[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]

Steve Martin: No, no, no, I’ll be home by morning. I’m just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I don’t know, some corporation, I don’t know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.

[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]

Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!

[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]

Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!

Steve Martin: Hamas?

Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I can’t believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which
Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!

Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!

Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!

Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Y’know, I didn’t realize that’s what tonight’s event was about; I’m not sure if I’m the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.

Hamas Leader #1: Don’t be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, “The Jerk,” uh, “The Man with Two Brains”, uh…

Hamas Leader #3: “The Muppet Movie!”

Steve Martin: Well, I’ve been in dozens of movies since then.

Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far… uh, but the previews for “My Blue Heaven” look hilarious!

Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]

Steve Martin: Thank you, that’s very sweet.

Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!

Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!

Hamas Leader #1: That’s not what we read in Star Magazine!

Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!

Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for “Hamas: A Victory Celebration!”

Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!

Steve Martin: Live on… I didn’t know this was gonna be televised!

Hamas Leader #1: …Yes, yes, of course, that’s why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!

Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?

Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. You’re on after Toby Keith.

Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestine’s largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!

Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; that’s Egyptian, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!

[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]

Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!

Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!

Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!

Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!

Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.

Steve Martin: Yeah, I don’t really do special material, so…

Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, we’ll give you an extra 20,000 dollars.

Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] What’s his name?

Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed…

Steve Martin: Yeah?

Hamas Leader #2: Halach.

Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.

Hamas Leader #1: Eh.

Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.

Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, we’re going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Do you need anything?

Hamas Leader #1: Tabbouleh, uh, figs, dirty water?

Steve Martin: No, I’m good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, “star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere?” Is that too weird? Is that okay?

Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.

Hamas Leader #1: You’re the best, Steve Martin!

Hamas Leader #2: [imitating Steve’s trademark line] Excu-u-u-u-use me!

[The three laugh]

Hamas Leader #3: We’re so happy!

[They leave]

Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote “Pink Panther.” What would the studio want?

[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]

V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English]… heeeeeere’s Steve Martin!

[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]

Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!

[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]

Steve Martin: Thank you… You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and… [crowd goes wild again] [Fade out]

Submitted by: Carolyn Brown

[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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