Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Hamas Celebration Party
…..Steve Martin
Hamas Leader #1…..Fred Armisen
Hamas Leader #2…..Bill Hader
Hamas Leader #3…..Seth Meyers
[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]
Steve Martin: No, no, no, Ill be home by morning. Im just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I dont know, some corporation, I dont know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.
[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]
Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!
[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]
Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!
Steve Martin: Hamas?
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I cant believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which
Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!
Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!
Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!
Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Yknow, I didnt realize thats what tonights event was about; Im not sure if Im the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.
Hamas Leader #1: Dont be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, The Jerk, uh, The Man with Two Brains, uh
Hamas Leader #3: The Muppet Movie!
Steve Martin: Well, Ive been in dozens of movies since then.
Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far uh, but the previews for My Blue Heaven look hilarious!
Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thats very sweet.
Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!
Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!
Hamas Leader #1: Thats not what we read in Star Magazine!
Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!
Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for Hamas: A Victory Celebration!
Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!
Steve Martin: Live on I didnt know this was gonna be televised!
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, yes, of course, thats why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!
Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?
Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. Youre on after Toby Keith.
Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestines largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!
Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; thats Egyptian, you know
Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!
[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]
Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!
Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!
Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!
Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!
Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.
Steve Martin: Yeah, I dont really do special material, so
Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, well give you an extra 20,000 dollars.
Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] Whats his name?
Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed
Steve Martin: Yeah?
Hamas Leader #2: Halach.
Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.
Hamas Leader #1: Eh.
Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.
Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, were going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know
Hamas Leader #2: Do you need anything?
Hamas Leader #1: Tabbouleh, uh, figs, dirty water?
Steve Martin: No, Im good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere? Is that too weird? Is that okay?
Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.
Hamas Leader #1: Youre the best, Steve Martin!
Hamas Leader #2: [imitating Steves trademark line] Excu-u-u-u-use me!
[The three laugh]
Hamas Leader #3: Were so happy!
[They leave]
Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote Pink Panther. What would the studio want?
[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]
V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English] heeeeeeres Steve Martin!
[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!
[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]
Steve Martin: Thank you You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and [crowd goes wild again]
[Fade out]
Submitted by: Carolyn Brown
[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]
