Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Steve Martin’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Martin![ the audience cheers as Steve Martin arrives at Home Base ]
Steve Martin: I — that’s alright, thank you! [ the audience continues to cheer ] Thank you. I-I’m Steve Martin, and I’m thrilled to be here hosting “Saturday Night live” for a record 14th time! This – this – this will be a very emotional night for me. [ mocks an emotional outburst ] It’s going to be hard to keep from crying! This is such a big week – I have “Pink Panther” opening next Friday.. but, to think, it was almost exactly thirty years ago to the day that I first hosted “Saturday Night Live” – today is February 4th, and it was February 5th, 1976, and I remember standing here thirty years ago doing my monologue, and I heard, backstage, Belushi and Aykroyd, and — no, wait. It was February 6th, sorry. And, behind me, I still hear Belushi — no, it was April. Sorry. April – it was April 11th. So, anyway, I was backstage, and I’m with Chevy — it was April 17th, I’m sorry. And Aykroyd comes up — no, it was not April, because I remember we had these heavy coats on. It was January. It was January 11th, and, uh.. Belushi comes down the hallway wearing some crazy outfit, and he said to me, “What are you doing for Christmas?” [ Steve stares blankly across the stage ] You know what? It was December – it was December 1980, now that I’m thinking about it. But – I just love that story.
You know, I was rummaging through my memory box, and I found some old photos of me and the cast, and I get so moved when I look into their faces. I would love to share these potoa with you. Can you show those, please? [ an old black-and-white picture of Steve ] There’s Laraine Newman.. [ dissolve to a black-and-white photo of Steve as Yortuk Festrunk ] Dan Aykroyd.. [ dissolve to another black-and-white photo of Steve ] And, of course, the great Chevy Chase.
But, you know, uh.. I enjoy the current cast so much, with, uh.. what’s-his-name.. and the other guy, and, uh.. the black guy – I think they’re great. But, uh, it’s the women of “SNL” that I enjoy the most, uh.. [ Steve’s Viagra clock re-appears on the screen; its rotation is more than half complete ] Let’s see, I’m thinking of.. Rachel, and.. Amy, uh.. Kristen.. Tina. But I’d like to welcome back Maya Rudolph – this is her first show back since October. Maya?[ Maya Rudolph steps onto the stage and stands next to Steve ]
Maya Rudolph: It’s great to be back here.
Steve Martin: Well, you look great, you look absolutely great.
Maya Rudolph: Thank you so much. I just wanted to say, it’s such an unbelievable honor to work with you, you have no idea. I am just such a huge fan —[ Steve’s Viagra clock completes its rotation, as a “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ]
Maya Rudolph: — I mean, since I was a kid. You’re one of my absolute heroes —
Steve Martin: [ feeling a little uncomfortable ] Yeah. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you for coming by. [ Maya exits the stage ] You know what, let’s just keep this moving. We’ve got a great musical guest tonight, it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Prince is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be right back. [ yet another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Yeah! Okay..