SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: Lorne’s Office


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Lorne’s Office

…..Steve Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chris Parnell
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, Lorne Michaels’ office. Lorne is playing Snood on his computer as Steve Martin rushes in. ]

Steve Martin: Lorne! Lorne! We got the early ratings in, and they’re sky high! And the critics are already saying this is one of the funniest shows ever!

Lorne Michaels: That’s great!

Steve Martin: So.. so, I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money!

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] Can’t – can’t do it.

Steve Martin: Lorne, what-what did – what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?

Lorne Michaels: $5,000?

Steve Martin: And what are you paying me now, in 2006?

Lorne Michaels: $5,000.

Steve Martin: I want five-thousand, five-hundred!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, I can’t do it. It sets a bad precedent.

Steve Martin: How much do you get per show?

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] I don’t see how that —

Steve Martin: How much?! Come on, how much?!

Lorne Michaels: [ relunctantly ] $12 million.

Steve Martin: Does that seem fair to you?

[ Chris Parnell runs into the office ]

Chris Parnell: Steve! We need downstairs for the next sketch!

Lorne Michaels: [ coolly ] So what’s it going to be, Steve – the money, or the show must go on?

[ dramatic music pulses up, as the camera cuts between Steve, Chris and Lorne. Open-mouthed, Steve finally finds the nerve to give his answer: ]

Steve Martin: I’m not going on!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t push me, Steve. I have options.

[ a tense Steve turns his head to reveal a bruised and battered Alec Baldwin sprawled against the couch in Lorne’s office ]

Alec Baldwin: [ a wee bit woozy ] I’m ready, Boss.

[ Jimmy Fallon positions his head into frame next to Alec Baldwin ]

Jimmy Fallon: I’m ready, too, uh.. if he doesn’t want to — [ the audience cheers with excitement ]

Steve Martin: Damn you, Lorne Michaels! You know me too well! [ turns toward the door ] I’m going on! [ exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy — uh.. we showed him, didn’t we, Alec?

Alec Baldwin: I want pie!

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ to Alec ] Come on, buddy. Let’s go.

Alec Baldwin: Joey, I want pie!

Jimmy Fallon: [ stands Alec up and motions him toward the door ] We’ll get pie, yeah, we’ll get pie. Medicine pie.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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