Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
[ open on interior, Lorne Michaels’ office. Lorne is playing Snood on his computer as Steve Martin rushes in. ]
Steve Martin: Lorne! Lorne! We got the early ratings in, and they’re sky high! And the critics are already saying this is one of the funniest shows ever!
Lorne Michaels: That’s great!
Steve Martin: So.. so, I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money!
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] Can’t – can’t do it.
Steve Martin: Lorne, what-what did – what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000?
Steve Martin: And what are you paying me now, in 2006?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000.
Steve Martin: I want five-thousand, five-hundred!
Lorne Michaels: Steve, I can’t do it. It sets a bad precedent.
Steve Martin: How much do you get per show?
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] I don’t see how that —
Steve Martin: How much?! Come on, how much?!
Lorne Michaels: [ relunctantly ] $12 million.
Steve Martin: Does that seem fair to you?
[ Chris Parnell runs into the office ]
Chris Parnell: Steve! We need downstairs for the next sketch!
Lorne Michaels: [ coolly ] So what’s it going to be, Steve – the money, or the show must go on?
[ dramatic music pulses up, as the camera cuts between Steve, Chris and Lorne. Open-mouthed, Steve finally finds the nerve to give his answer: ]
Steve Martin: I’m not going on!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t push me, Steve. I have options.
[ a tense Steve turns his head to reveal a bruised and battered Alec Baldwin sprawled against the couch in Lorne’s office ]
Alec Baldwin: [ a wee bit woozy ] I’m ready, Boss.
[ Jimmy Fallon positions his head into frame next to Alec Baldwin ]
Jimmy Fallon: I’m ready, too, uh.. if he doesn’t want to — [ the audience cheers with excitement ]
Steve Martin: Damn you, Lorne Michaels! You know me too well! [ turns toward the door ] I’m going on! [ exits Lorne’s office ]
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy — uh.. we showed him, didn’t we, Alec?
Alec Baldwin: I want pie!
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ to Alec ] Come on, buddy. Let’s go.
Alec Baldwin: Joey, I want pie!
Jimmy Fallon: [ stands Alec up and motions him toward the door ] We’ll get pie, yeah, we’ll get pie. Medicine pie.
[ fade ]