SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: Oprah


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince


Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
Freedman…..Steve Martin

[ open on opening graphics for “Oprah” ] [ dissolve to the “Oprah” set, as extends her arms to the thunderous applause of her all-female audience ]

Oprah Winfrey: Welcome baaaaaaaaaaaccckkk!! [ cups her hands to her face ] Hoo-hoooooooo!! Thank you! Okay, stop it! [ audience continues to cheer ] Stop it! [ they continue ] Sit! [ they won’t stop ] Seriously! [ they still won’t stop ] Seriously!! [ the applause dies in an instant ] Today’s show.. is very serious. So, everyone please take the smiles off of your faces. Okay, I think everyone knows it’s been a challenging time lately for Oprah, here on the “Oprah” show. Especially in regards to the oprah Book Club. Oprah. [ audience awwws ] Yeah. It was not so long ago, that author James Frey, as the great Maya Angelou would say, “Dicked me over.” Earlier today, as I was taking my hot air balloon ride, I had a thought. And that thought was: “Society values.. truth!” [ audience cheers yeah!” ] Thank you. Now I know you’ve all been enjoying March’s Oprah’s Book Club selection, the emotionally devastating memoir by Stone Freeman: “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean.” [ audience applauds ] But, but, but – not so fast, people. I was just informed, via e-mail from the Travoltas, that this book may be riddled with untruths!

Voice from the Audience: Oh, my Go-o-o-d!

Oprah Winfrey: Exactly, lady. So, I have invited the author to come on and attempt to speak as I tear him a new one. Please welcome – and I’ll ask you not to stand or applaud – author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean” – Stone Freeman.

[ Stone Freeman enters the stage, attempts to shake oprah’s hand but is ignored. He takes his seat. ]

Stone Freeman: [ cheerfully ] Hi, Oprah. Thank you for having me.

Oprah Winfrey: [ scornful ] Stone. It is obviously not a pleasure having you here. Because you duped me. You dupity-duped me.

Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.

Oprah Winfrey: So you’re saying that everything in this book is true?

Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.

Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?

Stone Freeman: Well, it’s not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.

Oprah Winfrey: Stone, I am giving you a chance to admit to any falsehoods, right here and now. And I think it would be wise of you to take advantage of this.. Oprah-tunity.

Stone Freeman: Well, keep in mind that when I wrote this book, I was cross-addicted to over-the-counter nasal sprays, Almaden jugged wine, and, of course, crack cocaine.

Oprah Winfrey: Okay. S-so, you’re saying that you were addicted to cocaine?!

Stone Freeman: Didn’t say that, no. Actually, that was a typo. It was chapstick. But, one time, I did venture, uh, most of the into a shady neighborhood with the intent to buy crack cocaine, but I was hit by a car – no, I wasn’t.

Oprah Winfrey: So the first sentence in Chapter 4 states: “I awoke in a shady neighborhood, in a crack cocaine haze with tire tracks across my face.” That’s not a true statement?

Stone Freeman: Did you know, that in some languages, the word “true” is the same as the word “lie”?

Oprah Winfrey: Really? Is that true?

Stone Freeman: No, that’s a lie.

Oprah Winfrey: Ugh! S-so, when you say you were trapped for three months in a cage with a howler monkey..?

Stone Freeman: I meant, I was trapped zero months in nothing with a no monkey. But my favorite animal is the monkey – no, it is not.

Oprah Winfrey: So all of Chapter 4 was, as my good friend Harry Belefont would say, “a steaming pile of shizz“?

Stone Freeman: No. some of Chapter 4 is true. It is the fourth chapter, and I do have parents.

Oprah Winfrey: Alright, then, in Chapter 16, you did not “lose an eye in a carjacking, store it in a Slurpee to keep it fresh, then pay a Native-American prostitute to pop it back in?”

Stone Freeman: [ points behind Oprah ] Look over there!

Oprah Winfrey: Where?

[ as Oprah turns to look, Stone reaches over, tears the page out of the book and tosses it behind the couch ]

Stone Freeman: That’s not in there. Now, look, Oprah, I’m not going to lie to you. Every page of this book is a lie, and that is the God’s honest truth.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, I hope you’re sorry about all of this, Stone Freeman.

Stone Freeman: Well, I’m not, and that’s a lie. And I’d like to thank you for being on my show! [ stands and shakes her hand ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ stands cheerfully as well ] Oh! Well, thank you so much for having me!

Stone Freeman: So, thank you very much! Oprah Winfrey! How about that!

Oprah Winfrey: That’s wonderful — [ starts to walk away, then: ] Wait a minute! This is my show!

Stone Freeman: Hey, check this out! [ swings his arms and dances his way out of the studio ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ sits ] Coming up next, we’ll release author Stone Freeman into the wolds of the Harpo Studios compound and hunt him down like a wild turkey. [ retrieves a crossbow from behind the couch ] Right after this.

[ the theme music and graphics play out as Oprah rushes off the set ][ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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