Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on opening graphics for “Oprah” ]
[ dissolve to the “Oprah” set, as extends her arms to the thunderous applause of her all-female audience ]
Oprah Winfrey: Welcome baaaaaaaaaaaccckkk!! [ cups her hands to her face ] Hoo-hoooooooo!! Thank you! Okay, stop it! [ audience continues to cheer ] Stop it! [ they continue ] Sit! [ they won’t stop ] Seriously! [ they still won’t stop ] Seriously!! [ the applause dies in an instant ] Today’s show.. is very serious. So, everyone please take the smiles off of your faces. Okay, I think everyone knows it’s been a challenging time lately for Oprah, here on the “Oprah” show. Especially in regards to the oprah Book Club. Oprah. [ audience awwws ] Yeah. It was not so long ago, that author James Frey, as the great Maya Angelou would say, “Dicked me over.” Earlier today, as I was taking my hot air balloon ride, I had a thought. And that thought was: “Society values.. truth!” [ audience cheers yeah!” ] Thank you. Now I know you’ve all been enjoying March’s Oprah’s Book Club selection, the emotionally devastating memoir by Stone Freeman: “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean.” [ audience applauds ] But, but, but – not so fast, people. I was just informed, via e-mail from the Travoltas, that this book may be riddled with untruths!
Voice from the Audience: Oh, my Go-o-o-d!
Oprah Winfrey: Exactly, lady. So, I have invited the author to come on and attempt to speak as I tear him a new one. Please welcome – and I’ll ask you not to stand or applaud – author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean” – Stone Freeman.
[ Stone Freeman enters the stage, attempts to shake oprah’s hand but is ignored. He takes his seat. ]
Stone Freeman: [ cheerfully ] Hi, Oprah. Thank you for having me.
Oprah Winfrey: [ scornful ] Stone. It is obviously not a pleasure having you here. Because you duped me. You dupity-duped me.
Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.
Oprah Winfrey: So you’re saying that everything in this book is true?
Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.
Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?
Stone Freeman: Well, it’s not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.
Oprah Winfrey: Stone, I am giving you a chance to admit to any falsehoods, right here and now. And I think it would be wise of you to take advantage of this.. Oprah-tunity.
Stone Freeman: Well, keep in mind that when I wrote this book, I was cross-addicted to over-the-counter nasal sprays, Almaden jugged wine, and, of course, crack cocaine.
Oprah Winfrey: Okay. S-so, you’re saying that you were addicted to cocaine?!
Stone Freeman: Didn’t say that, no. Actually, that was a typo. It was chapstick. But, one time, I did venture, uh, most of the into a shady neighborhood with the intent to buy crack cocaine, but I was hit by a car – no, I wasn’t.
Oprah Winfrey: So the first sentence in Chapter 4 states: “I awoke in a shady neighborhood, in a crack cocaine haze with tire tracks across my face.” That’s not a true statement?
Stone Freeman: Did you know, that in some languages, the word “true” is the same as the word “lie”?
Oprah Winfrey: Really? Is that true?
Stone Freeman: No, that’s a lie.
Oprah Winfrey: Ugh! S-so, when you say you were trapped for three months in a cage with a howler monkey..?
Stone Freeman: I meant, I was trapped zero months in nothing with a no monkey. But my favorite animal is the monkey – no, it is not.
Oprah Winfrey: So all of Chapter 4 was, as my good friend Harry Belefont would say, “a steaming pile of shizz“?
Stone Freeman: No. some of Chapter 4 is true. It is the fourth chapter, and I do have parents.
Oprah Winfrey: Alright, then, in Chapter 16, you did not “lose an eye in a carjacking, store it in a Slurpee to keep it fresh, then pay a Native-American prostitute to pop it back in?”
Stone Freeman: [ points behind Oprah ] Look over there!
Oprah Winfrey: Where?
[ as Oprah turns to look, Stone reaches over, tears the page out of the book and tosses it behind the couch ]
Stone Freeman: That’s not in there. Now, look, Oprah, I’m not going to lie to you. Every page of this book is a lie, and that is the God’s honest truth.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, I hope you’re sorry about all of this, Stone Freeman.
Stone Freeman: Well, I’m not, and that’s a lie. And I’d like to thank you for being on my show! [ stands and shakes her hand ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ stands cheerfully as well ] Oh! Well, thank you so much for having me!
Stone Freeman: So, thank you very much! Oprah Winfrey! How about that!
Oprah Winfrey: That’s wonderful — [ starts to walk away, then: ] Wait a minute! This is my show!
Stone Freeman: Hey, check this out! [ swings his arms and dances his way out of the studio ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ sits ] Coming up next, we’ll release author Stone Freeman into the wolds of the Harpo Studios compound and hunt him down like a wild turkey. [ retrieves a crossbow from behind the couch ] Right after this.
[ the theme music and graphics play out as Oprah rushes off the set ][ fade ]