Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short
[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine’s with Kelly Ripa ]
Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous’ have worked out pretty well.
Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.
Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?
Kelly Ripa: I don’t know. I’ve never cheated ob my husband before.
Steve Martin: They don’t mind.
Kelly Ripa: So you’ve been telling me.
Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]
Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?
Steve Martin: With me – fifteen, twenty minutes.
Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.
[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]
Kelly Ripa: I’m really flattered you’re even out tonight.
Steve Martin: And why is that?
Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, and he’s going to tie your record.
[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve’s face ]
[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine’s and into the street ]
Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]
[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]
Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight’s the night you tie Steve Martin’s record for hosting.
Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it’s not really about that.
Jimmy: I’ll go get your sock garters.
Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It’s your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.
[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]
[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]
[ cut back to Alec’s dressing room ]
Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.
[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]
[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec’s body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio’s halls ]
Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?
Steve Martin: Only if they need me.
[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: We can’t find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.
[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]
[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]
Steve Martin: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”