SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short

…..Steve Martin
…..Kelly Ripa
Jimmy…..Michael Anthony
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine’s with Kelly Ripa ]

Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous’ have worked out pretty well.

Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.

Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?

Kelly Ripa: I don’t know. I’ve never cheated ob my husband before.

Steve Martin: They don’t mind.

Kelly Ripa: So you’ve been telling me.

Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]

Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?

Steve Martin: With me – fifteen, twenty minutes.

Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.

[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]

Kelly Ripa: I’m really flattered you’re even out tonight.

Steve Martin: And why is that?

Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, and he’s going to tie your record.

[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve’s face ]

[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine’s and into the street ]

Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]

[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]

Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight’s the night you tie Steve Martin’s record for hosting.

Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it’s not really about that.

Jimmy: I’ll go get your sock garters.

Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It’s your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.

[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]

[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]

[ cut back to Alec’s dressing room ]

Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.

[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]

[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec’s body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio’s halls ]

Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.

Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?

Steve Martin: Only if they need me.

[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: We can’t find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.

[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]

[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]

Steve Martin: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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