Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short: The Tangent
Liz: Hey, Joel, how are you?! I’ve been meaning to call you! How was that restaurant you went to the other night?
Joel: [scoffs] They were closed! I guess they have two different locations, so we ended up going to the one uptown, but the name changed because the manager changed the name because there’s two owners, …
Joel: …but at the same time I thought, “Why can’t we just, like, come a little bit earlier [Liz looks over her shoulder, nervously] to have some of the steak, and some of the fish that they have, …
Liz: Right. [nods]
Joel: …and some of the vegetables that they have, …
Liz: I know. That–
Joel: …some of the fruits that they have, some of the salads that they have, some of the broccoli that they have, some of the peas that they have,” [Liz looks over her shoulder again and then at her watch] and the thing with New York is, any place, like, above 42nd Street usually closes before 10pm, so you’re not able to find the table that you want, [Liz walks past Joel and continues away] you’re not able to order drinks, and even something with alcohol, alcohol sometimes has sugars in it, [a man in a suit, an agent, walks past Joel, but then doubles back to consider him more closely] which would set of any of the same allergic reactions that it would with any other kind of sugar products, be it cakes, be it any kind of cereals that have sugars on them; [the agent chuckles] that’s an obvious thing to do–[jump-cut to the man talking on his cell phone]
Agent: Jerry, it’s me. Listen, I’m on the street. He’s exactly what we’re looking for. No, here, I’ll put you on with him. Listen, listen.
Joel: …cover up the entire thing. Passports have to change every four years, no matter what– [jump cut to Jerry’s office] home-made tennis racket. This way, if I had my own Band-Aids, my own bandages, at least I could hide them…
Joel: …underneath the sink…
Joel: …so that no one could find them, so they’re kind of my Band-Aids…
Jerry: Let’s see how he does in front of an audience.
Joel: …there’s no way– [jump cut to Joel on stage in a performance space] She even said to me she was terrified because she didn’t think there was a driver on the rollercoaster. I said, “Well, that’s impossible; [Jerrypoints affirmatively at the agent] there are no drivers on rollercoa– [jump cut to an office] and then kind of, like, went back downstairs to find a pretzel. [the agent takes Joel’s hand and signs a contract] Okay, pretzels are, by the way…
Jerry: Let’s get you in the movies.
Joel: …absolutely cheap– [jump cut to Joel being fitted by a man and a woman in a wardrobe] And as soon as you take apart a glider, there’s no way you can really rebuild it– [jump cut to Joel on the set of a movie, dressed as a futuristic astronaut] And in fact, that kind of makes you a professional camper. See, it’s sweet, it’s hot, it’s cold, it’s everything all in one…[Scarlett Johanssen arrives in a bathrobe]
Scarlett Johanssen: Hi, I’m Scarlett. It’s so nice to meet you–so nice to be working with you, gosh.
Joel: …you know, they don’t even have the jurisdiction to even define what a monsoon is. [a woman places a futuristic space helmet over his head] A monsoon is up to the person; it depends what island you’re on …[nods interestedly] Yeah.
Joel: …there’s no way that anyone can judge that– [jump cut to the set of “Total Request Live,” with a VJ and a cheering studio audience holding signs that include “Joel is Hot” and “Marry Me Joel”] because that numbs it. That numbs exactly what the skull is gonna say, and as far as the messages being sent out by the brain– [jump cut to Joel at the NBC News desk with Brian Williams] That kind of dance is not considered an art form. I mean, sure, it could be dance therapy, but I still think– [jump cut to Joel as a guest on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”]
Conan O’Brien: Okay, well, the movie opens tomorrow, everywhere. Thanks for stopping by, Joel. Really great stuff.
Joel: …then, experimented with that in some parts of the laboratory…
Conan O’Brien: We’ll be right back! [turns to Joel, smiling, and nods]
Joel: …and the scientists weren’t really sure– [jump cut to Joel in the producer’s office] And they said, “You know something? I brought my daughter down here for a haircut, and you gave her a crew cut…
Jerry: This is a problem. Your movie ate [bleep] at the box office.
Joel: …’cause, you know something? You asked for one, you’re gonna get one. And you know something? I think she looks great. And, besides, I don’t even cut hair…
Jerry: I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
Joel: …back over there. And I said, “You know what? Everyone in this room gets crew cuts. And they said, “No, sir. They’re illegal…
Jerry: [shouting into intercom] Would someone get him the [bleep] out of my office?!
Joel: …just something else– [jump cut to a car dropping Joel off at the steps where he started] A breathing apparatus means it’s going to be heavy. That’s like the same thing as saying that a wig is false. I mean, obviously that’s what the case is. But, anyway, overall, the restaurant was pretty good. Liz? [he looks around and shrugs to find himself alone, and he exits]
Submitted by: DavidK93