Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
The Chick…..Kristen Wiig
[open on stock footage of surfers on a large wave]
[dissolve to a group of young surfers in wetsuits and one middle-aged man, Ted, in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, all gathered on a beach]
Brody: All right, everyone. Thanks for meeting me down here. There’s something we need to discuss, so listen up. Now, you may have noticed that someone in our group doesn’t really fit in and has been ruining our surf sessions.
[the young surfers nod and murmer their agreement]
Ted: Wow, that person sounds totally un-gnarly.
Brody: You’re right, Ted. They’re not gnarly. They’re not gnarly at all. Now, I think we’ve given this person as many hints as we possibly can. But, unfortunately, they still don’t get it.
Ted: What a loser, huh? Who is this guy?
Brody: Actually, he’s in the circle right now, Ted.
Ted: One of the bro-hams? No way!
Brody: Yeah, Ted. One of the bro-hams.
Ted: Oooooh! [makes a diving and sinking motion with his hand] Wipe-out!
Brody: Right. Uh, now, I think the time has come–
Ted: Sorry to interrupt, Brody. But have you ever been out on the ocean, surfing, and you’re getting bodacious, and it’s killer, and you’re having a great time with your bros and it’s gnarly? Has that ever happened to you?
Brody: Yeah, it has, Ted. It’s happened to all of us.
Ted: Oh, cool, radical.
Brody: Now, I know none of us wants to hurt this person’s feelings, but–
Ted: Okay, you know what, we can play this game all day, guys, but we’re clearly never going to figure out who this mystery person is. So I motion that we grab our surfboards, catch some waves, and have a wicked session and be in the tube!
Ted: Look, Brody, before you say anything else, I just want you guys to know that the last couple of weeks have been the best of my life. So I think–
Brody: Ted! It’s you! Okay? We’re talking about you.
Ted: What? Me?! It can’t be me; I’ve been talking this whole time, trying to figure out who it is!
Brody: [nods] Uh-huh.
Ted: Really? This is just shocking. And you all feel this way?
[all of the surfers nod]
Ted: Even you, Dragon?
Ted: And you, Slapshot?
Ted: And you, Colossus?
Ted: And you, Weinerman?
Weinerman: One hundred percent.
Ted: Really? All of you?
Brody: We all feel that way, Ted.
Ted: Even you, Buttfish?
Ted: Ugh. Dragonfly, seriously?
Dragon: I already said yes.
Ted: Okay, now, you’re firm on that? And, Slapshot, are you firm?
Slapshot: Yeah, I think we’re all firm.
Ted: Ooh, okay, well, I guess I’ll be on my way. But before I go, would anyone like to come with me? Colossus?
Colossus: No, I’m good.
Brody: Ted! Please go.
Ted: Okay, I’m leaving. But before I go, I’d like to hear Buttfish’s answer.
Ted: No, you’re not going to answer, or no, you’re not going to go with me?
Buttfish: I’m not going to go with you.
Ted: Okay. And you all feel this way?
Slapshot: Oh, my God.
Ted: All right, look. I can take a hint. Dragon, I don’t remember hearing your answer. Did you say…
Dragon: Yeah, man, I said no.
Ted: Hey, do you dudes ever feel like you want to surf all the time and be gnarly? I do. I feel like that right now.
Brody: Come on, Ted!
Ted: How about you, Colossus?
Colossus: Please leave.
Ted: Ugh, you guys, come on. I’m not gonna ask The Chick!
The Chick: Get lost, Ted!
Ted: Look. I may not be young and hip. I may not wear the right clothes or know all the cool slang, but–Colossus, you change your mind yet?
Colossus: [scoffs] Are you serious?!
Ted: All right, all right, all right, fine. Well, we better all head out for our last ride. Looks like we got ourselves a nasty swell. I’ll see you bros in the blue room!
[Ted grabs his yellow surfboard and runs from the gathering, going to a freeze-frame when Ted is near the middle of the shot]
[Title: “In Memoriam: Ted the gnarliest bro-ham in the tube”]
Submitted by: DavidK93