SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 02/04/06: Quick Zoom Theater


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Quick Zoom Theater

Host…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Billings-Stevens…..Fred Armisen
Dr. Perkins…..Steve Martin
Nurse Veronica…..Maya Rudolph
Doctor…..Kenan Thompson

[open on a director’s chair in a backstage setting, with title: “Quick Zoom Theater”]

Host: Hello! Welcome to “Quick Zoom Theater.” Brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. [dissolve to product screen with title: “Canon Ultra Zoom”] Canon Ultra Zoom: bringing life closer. [dissolve to backstage] Tonight’s episode: “The Check Up.”

[dissolve to a doctor’s office, with patient and doctor]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: So how does it look, Doctor? Am I [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] okay?

Dr. Perkins: Well, Mr. Billings-Stevens, I’ve looked over your test results, and [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] everything’s fine.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: That’s great.

Dr. Perkins: Well, as far as I’m concerned, [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] you’re free to go.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Okay, then. Thank you.

[a nurse rushes in]

Veronica: Dr. Perkins! Dr. Perkins! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] Your two-thirty is here.

Dr. Perkins: Oh, thank you, Veronica. I’ll be right there.

[Veronica exits]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Wait. [bends and picks up an object] Is this [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] your pen? [holds up a pen]

Dr. Perkins: No. By the way, how was that cookout? Did you have any [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish?

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Well, as a matter of fact, we did have some [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish.

Dr. Perkins: Well, I’m sorry I missed [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] it.

Mr. Billings-Stevens: Yeah, well, uh, maybe next time.

[a second doctor knocks and enters]

Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom on the frame of the door] Uh, some of us are going to Applebee’s after our shift. [he leans over to put his face into the zoom area] Do you want to come?

Dr. Perkins: Well, that sounds nice. Did you ask Veronica?

Doctor: Oh, not yet; I’ll do that now.

Dr. Perkins: Well, great. Thanks a lot. [dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] [the doctor has nothing further to say]

Mr. Billings-Stevens: I love Applebee’s. So, anyway, be sure to tell your wife I said [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] hello.

Dr. Perkins: Why don’t you tell her? After all, she’s carrying your baby.

[no quick zoom occurs, so the doctor rushes up to the camera and then rushes back] [dissolve to backstage]

Host: This has been “Quick Zoom Theater,” brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. Canon Ultra Zoom. [he holds up the camera] It’s [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] a camera.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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