Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 12
Quick Zoom Theater
Host…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Billings-Stevens…..Fred Armisen
Dr. Perkins…..Steve Martin
Nurse Veronica…..Maya Rudolph
Doctor…..Kenan Thompson
[open on a director’s chair in a backstage setting, with title: “Quick Zoom Theater”]
Host: Hello! Welcome to “Quick Zoom Theater.” Brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. [dissolve to product screen with title: “Canon Ultra Zoom”] Canon Ultra Zoom: bringing life closer. [dissolve to backstage] Tonight’s episode: “The Check Up.”
[dissolve to a doctor’s office, with patient and doctor]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: So how does it look, Doctor? Am I [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] okay?
Dr. Perkins: Well, Mr. Billings-Stevens, I’ve looked over your test results, and [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] everything’s fine.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: That’s great.
Dr. Perkins: Well, as far as I’m concerned, [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] you’re free to go.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Okay, then. Thank you.
[a nurse rushes in]
Veronica: Dr. Perkins! Dr. Perkins! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] Your two-thirty is here.
Dr. Perkins: Oh, thank you, Veronica. I’ll be right there.
[Veronica exits]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Wait. [bends and picks up an object] Is this [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] your pen? [holds up a pen]
Dr. Perkins: No. By the way, how was that cookout? Did you have any [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish?
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Well, as a matter of fact, we did have some [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish.
Dr. Perkins: Well, I’m sorry I missed [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] it.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Yeah, well, uh, maybe next time.
[a second doctor knocks and enters]
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom on the frame of the door] Uh, some of us are going to Applebee’s after our shift. [he leans over to put his face into the zoom area] Do you want to come?
Dr. Perkins: Well, that sounds nice. Did you ask Veronica?
Doctor: Oh, not yet; I’ll do that now.
Dr. Perkins: Well, great. Thanks a lot. [dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] [the doctor has nothing further to say]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: I love Applebee’s. So, anyway, be sure to tell your wife I said [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] hello.
Dr. Perkins: Why don’t you tell her? After all, she’s carrying your baby.
[no quick zoom occurs, so the doctor rushes up to the camera and then rushes back]
[dissolve to backstage]
Host: This has been “Quick Zoom Theater,” brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. Canon Ultra Zoom. [he holds up the camera] It’s [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] a camera.
Submitted by: DavidK93