SNL Transcripts: Natalie Portman: 03/04/06

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 13

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 4th, 2006

Natalie Portman

Fall Out Boy


Dennis Haysbert

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) addresses the public on issues of secret White House activity and Vice-President Dick Cheney’s (Darrell Hammond) hunting accident.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.



Natalie Portman’s MonologueSummary: Natalie Portman tackles questions raised by “Star Wars” nerds in the audience.

Note: Portman’s microphone.

Bio: Natalie Portman (1981-). Jerusalem-born actress; best known for her role as Queen Amidala in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy; had to shave her head for key scenes in the upcoming film “V For Vendetta” (2006).


Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.

Note: Repeat from: 05k/a>.

Jamba JuiceSummary: The overpsyched Jamba Juice employees (Natalie Portman, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz), who have ingested excessive amounts of their own high-energy protein drinks, can’t stop themselves from offering free boost supplements to their customers.

Note: Seth Meyers and Horatio Sanz have to stifle their laughter towards the end of the sketch.


Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews a group of transgendered people who are in the middle of their sex change procedures.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Felicity Huffman.


The NeedlersSummary: Argumentive Dan (Seth Meyers) and Sally Needler (Amy Poehler) seek help from a fertility doctor (Natalie Portman) so they can have a baby rather than examine the issue of their troubled marriage.

Recurring Characters: Dan Needler, Sally Needler.


TV FunhouseSummary: Celebrating a belated Black History moment, actor Dennis Haysbert shows clips from all-black kids’ cartoons that failed to make an impact during the 1990’s.

Bio: Dennis Haysbert (1954-). Actor; portrayed President David Palmer on “24”, 2002-06; currently stars as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane on “The Unit”; official spokesman for Allstate Insurance.


Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Natalie Portman) brings her college boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) home to meet her parents, Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.


Fall Out Boy performs “Dance Dance”Bio: American emo/pop punk band; name taken from a lesser known character on “The Simpsons” — Fallout Boy, the sidekick of 50’s superhero Radioactive Man — at the suggestion of an audience member of one of their earliest performances; members: Patrick Stump (lead singer, guitar), Pete Wentz (bass), Joe Trohman (guitar) and Andy Hurley (drums).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) disguises himself as Martha Stewart in order to pump his own ego over their “Apprentice” feud. Olympic contender Sasha Cohen (Natalie Portman) attempts to tell a couple of jokes. Kenan Thompson introduces a new line of clothing that targets black men in drag, ball pouch and all.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Sheldon’s Bar MitzvahSummary: Now a man, Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) watches his short-term ex-girlfriend (Natalie Portman) make out with his friend (Andy Samberg), while Megan (Maya Rudolph) dreams of being Mrs. Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Between an interview with Chris Parnell, Natalie Portman raps about her real identity.


Fall Out Boy performs “Sugar, We’re Going Down”

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from: 05d.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The CollectorsSummary: Collectors (Fred Armisen, Horatio Sanz) are unable to make money because they can’t speak English.

Broadway Lights DinerSummary: Restaurant wait staff sings Broadway tunes for diners, then begin slipping all over the freshly-mopped floor.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Natalie Portman) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch makes it to air next month in an episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This will make it to air in next week’s episode.

Star Wars Acting ClassSummary: In “Star Wars” acting class, Natalie Portman learns how to make funny character noises.

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