SNL Transcripts: Natalie Portman: 03/04/06


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 13

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 4th, 2006

Natalie Portman

Fall Out Boy


Dennis Haysbert

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) addresses the public on issues of secret White House activity and Vice-President Dick Cheney’s (Darrell Hammond) hunting accident.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.



Natalie Portman’s MonologueSummary: Natalie Portman tackles questions raised by “Star Wars” nerds in the audience.

Note: Portman’s microphone.

Bio: Natalie Portman (1981-). Jerusalem-born actress; best known for her role as Queen Amidala in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy; had to shave her head for key scenes in the upcoming film “V For Vendetta” (2006).


Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.

Note: Repeat from: 05k/a>.

Jamba JuiceSummary: The overpsyched Jamba Juice employees (Natalie Portman, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz), who have ingested excessive amounts of their own high-energy protein drinks, can’t stop themselves from offering free boost supplements to their customers.

Note: Seth Meyers and Horatio Sanz have to stifle their laughter towards the end of the sketch.


Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) interviews a group of transgendered people who are in the middle of their sex change procedures.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Felicity Huffman.


The NeedlersSummary: Argumentive Dan (Seth Meyers) and Sally Needler (Amy Poehler) seek help from a fertility doctor (Natalie Portman) so they can have a baby rather than examine the issue of their troubled marriage.

Recurring Characters: Dan Needler, Sally Needler.


TV FunhouseSummary: Celebrating a belated Black History moment, actor Dennis Haysbert shows clips from all-black kids’ cartoons that failed to make an impact during the 1990’s.

Bio: Dennis Haysbert (1954-). Actor; portrayed President David Palmer on “24”, 2002-06; currently stars as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane on “The Unit”; official spokesman for Allstate Insurance.


Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Natalie Portman) brings her college boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) home to meet her parents, Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.


Fall Out Boy performs “Dance Dance”Bio: American emo/pop punk band; name taken from a lesser known character on “The Simpsons” — Fallout Boy, the sidekick of 50’s superhero Radioactive Man — at the suggestion of an audience member of one of their earliest performances; members: Patrick Stump (lead singer, guitar), Pete Wentz (bass), Joe Trohman (guitar) and Andy Hurley (drums).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) disguises himself as Martha Stewart in order to pump his own ego over their “Apprentice” feud. Olympic contender Sasha Cohen (Natalie Portman) attempts to tell a couple of jokes. Kenan Thompson introduces a new line of clothing that targets black men in drag, ball pouch and all.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Sheldon’s Bar MitzvahSummary: Now a man, Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) watches his short-term ex-girlfriend (Natalie Portman) make out with his friend (Andy Samberg), while Megan (Maya Rudolph) dreams of being Mrs. Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Between an interview with Chris Parnell, Natalie Portman raps about her real identity.


Fall Out Boy performs “Sugar, We’re Going Down”

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from: 05d.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The CollectorsSummary: Collectors (Fred Armisen, Horatio Sanz) are unable to make money because they can’t speak English.

Broadway Lights DinerSummary: Restaurant wait staff sings Broadway tunes for diners, then begin slipping all over the freshly-mopped floor.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Natalie Portman) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch makes it to air next month in an episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This will make it to air in next week’s episode.

Star Wars Acting ClassSummary: In “Star Wars” acting class, Natalie Portman learns how to make funny character noises.

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

Bad thing happened to me..

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