Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy
Jamba Juice
Cashier girl….Natalie Portman
Hyper employee….Seth Meyers
Employee 3….Horatio Sanz
Mary….Rachel Dratch
Dartrell….Kenan Thompson
Dan….Bill Hader
Terry….Chris Parnell
Businesswoman….Amy Poehler
[Opens with the outside of Jamba Juice establishment. Cuts to the inside of it, the trendy Jamba Juice, bright colors dominate the shop. Employees wear visors. Techno music plays, cashier’s girl jumps around to the music, female client approaches the counter]
Cashier Girl: HI! Welcome to Jamba Juice!! How are YOU TODAY!!!
Mary: I’m good.
Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!!
Mary: Wow!, you have a lot of energy.
Cashier Girl: Thank You!! What can I get you?!!!
Mary: Oh, so many choices.[looks at menu above]
Employee 3: Kevin, banana berry boost! Protein boost![hands over a shake]
Mary: Oh, banana berry. That sounds good.
Cashier Girl: Would you like a free boost with that?!!
Mary: Oh, what’s a free boost?
Hyper Employee:[jumps besides the cashier girl]A way to change your life!! WOOO!!![leaves]
Cashier Girl: Woo!! We have 6 free boosts! Energy!, femme!, fiber!, immunity!, protein!, and VITA!!!
Mary: Ah, what do you recommend?
Hyper Employee:[jumps back beside cashier girl]Living a life without limits!! WOO!!!
Employee 3: Jackie!, strawberries wild!! Vita boost![hands over shake]
Cashier Girl: Just to give you an idea I had 3 energy boost and a vita this morning and 2 more an hour ago!
Mary: Oh, it’s 10 a.m.
Cashier Girl: I’m feeling pretty GOOD!!!
Hyper Employee:[jumps back in]I have 6 immunity boosts!! I can’t get sick, I can’t get sick!! It’s 15 degrees out and I sprinted to work in wet hair and a t-shirt!!![sings old Jamaican chant from Lionel Richie’s song “All Night Long”]
All 3 employees: HEY!! JAMBA!!JAMBA!!
Mary: Ok, how about the first boost you said.
Cashier Girl: Great!! And your name?!!
Mary: Mary.
Cashier Girl:[sings name]Mary!, Mary!
All 3 employees: WHY YOU BUGGIN’?!!
Cashier Girl: That’ll be $4.85 please. Out of 5!! Dime and a nickel!! Boom!![gives back her change]
Employee 3: Dartrell!!, razzmatazz fiber boost, oooohhh![hands over shake to Dartrell, overweight, black]
Hyper Employee: Ooohh, fiber boost, somebody’s got to get movin’ down there!!
Dartrell: C’mon, man! Why you gotta say fiber boost? I’m pretty sure I’m the only Dertrell in here.[leaves]
Cashier Girl: Hi! Welcome to Jamba Juice!! How are you today?!!
Dan: Uh, fine.
Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!! What can I get for you?!!
Dan: Can I get a large orange berry blitz, please?
Cashier Girl: And what free boost would you like with that?
Dan: Are the proteins boost good?
Hyper Employee:[quick as hell response] I had 13 proteins boost yesterday and on the way to work I lifted a car that had fallen on a boy it turned out later it wasn’t a boy it was a Kit-Kat wrapper!!
Dan: Ok, uh, I’ll take a protein boost.
Cashier Girl: And can i just get your name?
Dan: Dan.
Cashier Girl:[sings]Dan!, Dan!
All 3 employees: WHY YOU BUGGIN’!!!
Cashier Girl: $5.35 out of 10, comin’ at ya’!![throws Dan back his change, falls on the floor, Dan picks it up. Businesswoman enters]Hi!! Welcome to Jamba Juice!!How are you today?!!!
Businesswoman: Hi, I’m in a bit of a hurry.
Cashier Girl: ME TOO!!!
Businesswoman: Ok, so if I could get a strawberry nirvana, that would be great.
Cashier Girl: I had 2 strawberry nirvanas yesterday and you want to know what happened?
Businesswoman: What?
Cashier Girl:[sinister whisper]I saw the future.
Employee 3: Terry!, orange dream machine double femme boost!![hands over shake]
Hyper Employee: Femme boost! Who’s the lucky lady?!
Terry:[gay as hell]That’s me![slurps]Ummm! Yummers![leaves]
Businesswoman: I’m sorry, can we hurry this up, please?
Cashier Girl: And what free boost would you like with that?
Businesswoman: No boost.
[Music stops, the 3 employees gather around and look at the businesswoman dead in her eye. Shocked beyond belief]
Cashier Girl: I’m sorry?
Businesswoman: No boost.
Cashier Girl: But it’s free.
Hyper Employee: You have to get a boost.
[Stunned silence and Seth cracks himself up, tries hard not to laugh. Horatio puts on a sad face, Seth looks at him, stifles laugh and Horatio stifles laugh too]
Employee 3: Boo-o-o-st.
Businesswoman: Why do I have to get a boost?
Cashier Girl: It’s everything we believe in.
Businesswoman: Fine. I’ll get a vita boost.
[World comes back to life, techno music plays,cashier girl resumes her dancing]
Hyper Employee: Yeah, that’s a great call!! I once had 8 vita boost in one sitting!! My urine looked like a rainbow!![sings old Jamaican chant from Lionel Richie’s song “All Night Long” one more time]
All 3 employees: HEY!! JAMBA!!!JAMBA!!!
[Horatio exits stage jumping around with a shake in his hand.]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
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