Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
Dr. Stevens…..Natalie Portman
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
[open on exterior of a medical facility]
[dissolve to interior door: “Fertility Clinic”]
[dissolve to doctor’s office]
David: [entering] Dr. Stevens, your three o’clock is here, finally.
Dr. Stevens: Oh, thanks, David. Show them in, please.
[the Needlers enter]
Sally: Hi, sorry we’re late, Dr. Stevens. Dan took this great short-cut that took twice as long for us to get here.
Dan: Yeah, it’s all part of my master plan to spend as much time as possible in a car with my wife.
Sally: My husband has a terrible sense of direction. That’s probably why his sperm can’t find my eggs.
Dan: Oh, you know–
[jingle plays with still photo montage]
Man: [singing] Who is the thorn that’s in my side? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]
Woman: [singing] Who’s got the face that makes me angry? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]
Both: [singing] Who makes me scream inside my head? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas] It’s who? Darling, it’s still you.
Announcer: [voice over with title] “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”
[dissolve to clinic]
Dr. Stevens: So, am I correct to assume that you’re trying to have a baby?
Sally: Well, I know that I’m trying. I can’t speak for my husband.
Dan: Oh, when did that start?
Dr. Stevens: Okay. Okay, uh, well, I always like to start with asking couples if they feel ready to be parents.
Dan: Oh, yes.
Sally: Without a doubt.
Dan: Sally’s gonna make a great mom. She’s been treating me like a child for years.
Sally: Dan, I’ll stop treating you like a child when you get your drums out of the basement.
Dan: Sally wants the space for another treadmill she’ll never step foot on.
Sally: [with mock joy] Yay! You win!
Dr. Stevens: Wow. Okay. Having children is a really big responsibility. As I’m sure you know, they need constant attention.
Sally: Oh, I have an idea, Dan. If the baby needs constant attention, maybe we can dress it up like your secretary.
Dan: Or a bottle of red wine.
Sally: We love kids.
Dan: We do love kids.
Sally: We do.
Dan: We agree on that.
Dr. Stevens: Okay, let’s move ahead. Now, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to infertility. For example, how’s your diet?
Dan: Uh, it’s pretty good. Lots of vegetables. We’ve cut down on our meat.
Sally: Well, that’s because someone got mad at the grill and pushed it into the swimming pool.
Dan: That was probably because someone kept complaining that their steak tasted too steak-y.
Sally: You know, you ruin every Fourth of July.
Dan: You ruin the fourth of everything!
Dr. Stevens: Well, I think I know the answer to this, but how would you rate your stress level?
Sally: [simultaneously] High. [looks at Dan] Really?
Dan: Should I have high stress levels?
Sally: I dunno. Seven years without a promotion? I might get a little stressed out.
Dan: And what’s causing your high stress levels? The virus that’s sweeping through Port Charles on General Hospital?
Sally: You know, for a show you don’t watch, Dan, you certainly seem to know a lot about it.
Dan: I like to know my wife’s friends!
Dr. Stevens: Tell you what, why don’t we just fly right through the rest of this, get you out of here as soon as we can, okay? Have you ever suffered any injuries to the genital region?
Dan: Sally, you want to tell that story?
Sally: Look, I am sorry, Dan, okay? Cosmo said you would like it.
Dan: Well, Cosmo should have said to give me a heads-up first.
Dr. Stevens: I don’t even want to know what that means. All right, listen. Before you two make this important decision, listen, could I maybe suggest couples counseling?
Dan: You know, we tried that, but they kept saying we could solve all our problems if we just listened to each other.
Sally: Yeah, but we thought it might just be easier to have a baby. [makes a pouty face]
Dr. Stevens: Well, maybe you guys should try getting a pet, like a dog or something.
Dan: You know, we had a dog. It ran away.
Dr. Stevens: Oh, I’m sorry.
Sally: Oh, but we found it. But it ran away again.
Dan: Yeah. That dog wanted out.
Dr. Stevens: Look, this isn’t really my business, but you two seem entirely incapable of being parents.
Sally: How dare you?! [stands] My husband is more than ready to be a father. This is a man who went to one year of law school, three months of business school, and half-painted every wall in our living room.
Dan: [stands] And this woman may not be the most loving person you will ever meet.
Dan: Oh, no, I’m done.
Sally: Oh! Can I talk to you for a second?!
[the Needlers exit the office and slam the door]
David: [entering] Everything okay?
Dr. Stevens: Now it is. Can you send in my next patients, please?
David: Yeah, of course. [exits and immediately returns] Ah, I don’t think we’re going to have any more patients today.
Dr. Stevens: Why’s that?
David: Well, the Needlers are having sex out there. In the waiting room. On the stack of Highlights magazines.
Dr. Stevens: What?
[the Needlers stagger back into the office]
Sally: Oh, um, you’ll, um, should we come in next week for the test results?
Dr. Stevens: Uh, well, you’ll need to leave a sample.
Dan: Uh, there’s probably one out there.
Sally: Yeah, so, thank you guys!
Dan: Thank you guys! You guys were great!
Sally: Thank you!
[the Needlers back out of the office]
[dissolve to title screen with voice over: “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced]
Submitted by: DavidK93