SNL Transcripts: Natalie Portman: 03/04/06: Artsy Apartment


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Artsy Apartment

Nunni…..Natalie Portman
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
Nuni…..Maya Rudolph
Nonny…..Fred Armisen
Tato…..Chris Parnell

(Nunni and Jeff walk in the door to the modern house)

Nunni: Motha? Dadu? We’re here!

Jeff: I hope they like me.

Nunni: Don’t worry. They love all my new boyfriends.

Noony: You made it!

Nuni:Oh, you must forgive us, we were eating raw bacon in the lighthouse.

(the three hug)

Nunni: Motha, Dadu, This is my new boyfriend. He is from the college with me.

Jeff: Hi, it’s an honor to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Schoener.

Nuni: Oh please, everyone calls me Nuni.

Jeff: Oh! So Nunni, you’re named after your mother?

Noony: No She is Nunni and she is Nuni.

Jeff: Uh, yeah. Nuni, that’s what I am saying right? Nuni.

Noony: No, I am Noony.

Jeff: Oh, you’re Nuni.

Nuni: No. No. Noony.

Jeff: Nuuuuuuni.

Nunni: That is no one.

Nuni: Look at my face. Nuni.

Jeff: Alright, I feel like…Nuni. Is that right Nuni?

Noony: That is very incorrect. Hey! Let us toss in the towel.

Nuni: Please children, won’t you join us in the sitting room?

Jeff: Oh, Alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is there a chair for me?

Nuni: You sit over there on that pile of hair.

Jeff: Oh, this is actually a cahir?

Noony: Why yes it’s the Hair Chair by Mobus.

Jeff: Oh yeah, Mobus. Of course. Wow this chair is actually very itchy.

Nunni: Yes it is. It is because of all the gorilla hair.

Jeff: Wait, so did someone kill a gorilla to make this chair?

Nuni: What a terrible conclusion! It is the hair collected from the bottom of agorilla shower, silly.

Noony: So young boy. Please tell us about yourself.

Jeff: Uh, well. My name is Jeff.

Nuni: Geyf. Gearf. Guearf. Guarf.

Jeff: No no no it’s Jeff.

Noony: Je Guar. Jay Hay. Jerganz.

Nunni: Motha Dadu, you are embarrasing me. Its Jerff. Jeh-Ear-Earre-Effe! Juearf!

Noony: Oh. Like the racecar competitor Juaref Gueardon.

Nuni: Oh, like the wonderful actor Juef Goaldblaum.

Nunni: Precisely! Juearf!

Nuni: Wonderful! We’re in agreement.

Noony: With all this visiting you must be quite hungry. Who wants a snack?

Nuni: Tato! Time for treat!

Tato: Who wants melted ice cream?

Nuni, Noony, Nunni: Me me me me me me me!

Noony: Oh Tato please. Give me blueberry. It’s my favorite.

(Tato sucks it up through a large straw and spits it into his mouth)

Nunni: Put on your treat bib Jarbf!

Jeff: No, I’m good. I really don’t need anyone to blow melted ice cream into mymouth.

Nuni: Oh Guarf, don’t be rude.

Nunni: Please Lerf. If you cared about me you would be more polite. Tato TatoTato, me next!

Jeff: I do care about you Nuni.

Noony: Well, I care about you too, but this is all so new to me.

Jeff: Not you Nuni, her Nuni. You know what, uh, Tater. Let me try thestrawberry.

Tato: Open wide, here comes the tube.

Jeff: Ahh, alright.

Tato: My cousin turns three in two more years. (giggles)

Jeff: Hey, how about that? Uh, you know what, that didn’t taste like strawberry.

Nuni: That is because it is pizza and capers.

Jeff: Wonderful.

Nunni: Would you like to try banana and clam?

Jeff: You know what, I’m gonna pass. I’m gonna pass on that one. Uh, where’s thelittle boys room.

Nunni: Oh, please use Dada’s mobile.

Nuni: It’s the Carry Pot by Human Function.

Jeff: Um, where do I do this?

Noony: Well, right here of course.

Jeff: Uh huh. Uh, maybe I’ll just take this little bugger outside, alright?

Nuni: Alright. Bye Groof.

Noony: Bye Jyland.

Nuni: Oh darling. He is so charming.

Nunni: He’s shy.

Noony: I want some more melted ice cream! Tato!!!

Tato: Who want’s seconds?

Noony, Nuni, Nunni: Me me me me me me me me!

(fade out to Nonny getting more ice cream spat in his mouth)

Submitted by: Redhead

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
1 Comment
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
4 years ago

Beets and capers, not pizza and capers.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x