Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 13
Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah
Rebecca Herschlag…..Natalie Portman
Sheldon’s Grandfather…..Fred Armisen
Sheldon’s Father…..Chris Parnell
[open on hand-drawn sign: “Wakefield AV Club presents Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah,” with party music playing]
Megan: [from behind the sign] Hey, coming at you live from the beautiful Heritage Ballroom at the San Jose Embassy Suites, this is Sheldon’s bar mitzvah. [she sets the sign down to reveal herself and Sheldon, dressed formally, including a yarmulke for Sheldon, in a ballroom filled with teenagers dressed similarly]
Megan: I’m your host, Megan, and I’m taping this for my best friend and guest of honor. He’s got mad Hebrew skills. Please welcome Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey. Hey.
Megan: Whoah, Sheldon, this bar mitzvah is sweet. It’s just like “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” except sooner and Jewish-er.
Sheldon: Thanks. Embassy Suites is really first rate. My dad got married here last year.
[Megan takes an hors d’oevre from a passing waiter]
Megan: Wow, look, they’ve got chicken satay. [shows it to Sheldon] Awesome!
Sheldon: Oh! Don’t hold that near my face; major peanut allergy.
Megan: Sheldon’s parents went all-out for this. [camera pans across buffet table, showing the following items] They have a make-your-own-sundae bar, virgin jello shots, and a professional Conan O’Brien look-alike.
[a man with red hair makes a thumbs-up sign, makes wild hand gestures, then runs two fingers across his lips and through his hair]
Sheldon: Yeah, and my mom said she had some kind of surprise entertainment later.
Megan: [spastically] Is it Maroon 5?! Is there any possible way your mom got Maroon 5 to be here?! That’d be aweome! [somewhat more calmly] Adam Levine’s voice jumps out of my iPod and into my soul. [singing] And he wi-i-ill be lo-o-oved!
Rebecca: [approaching from the side] Hi Sheldon. Congratulations! You did so great, and this party is so fun.
Rebecca: You look really nice.
Sheldon: Thanks. So do you.
Rebecca: I’m gonna go get a Sprite–
Sheldon: [simultaneously] Do you want to dance–?
[Rebecca turns and walks away]
Megan: Whoah, awkward. That’s Rebecca Herschlag, Sheldon’s ex. They hooked up in the pit orchestra of “Guys and Dolls.”
Sheldon: [scoffs] Never date a viola player.
Sheldon’s Grandfather: Oh, there he is. The superstar! [he grabs Sheldon’s chin and cheeks] Look at that little punum!
Sheldon: Hey, Grandpa.
Sheldon’s Grandfather: [lets go of Sheldon’s face] You know what, I got something for you. But don’t open it here, all right? I’m not trying to show off. And, anyway, it’s a surprise. [to Megan, loudly, but with a cupped hand] It’s a hundred dollars! [seeing someone off-camera] Hey, Maury!
Megan: I’m super-fascinated by the mystical nature of Judai-ism. The yarmulkes, the Kabbalah bracelets, oh, I don’t know, Adam Levi-i-ine. Whoah, who brought up Adam Levine? That’s cool. I have a picture of us if you want to see it. [she pulls a folded magazine page from inside the bosom of her dress] It’s the two of us here. [she opens it to the camera to show that it’s a photograph of Adam Levine in the magazine, with a photograph of herself glued next to him] “Oh, hey, Adam. What are you doing here at Sheldon’s bar mitzvah?” “I came here to be with you, baby.” “Oh, wait, I–” [she crinkles the page to put the faces on top of each other, as if kissing] “Mmm-mmm, ooh, ooh.”
Rebecca: [rushing up] Sheldon, careful, there’s chicken satay!
Sheldon: Oh, I know.
[“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker begins to play]
Rebecca: I just wanted to make sure you have your epi-pen.
Sheldon: [he pulls an epi-pen from his lapel] You know me too well, Herschlag, too well. [he replaces the epi-pen]
Rebecca: Oh, my gosh, they’re playing our song.
[Sheldon and Rebecca look at each other]
Jonah: Hey, Becca, babes, the Conan line’s died down a little. You wanna get our picture taken?
Rebecca: Yeah, do you wanna?
Sheldon: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, are you two a thing?
Rebecca: Oh, Sheldon. Yeah. We were paired up in science for frog dissection, and, you know, one thing to another.
Jonah: What can I say, man? The heart wants what it wants. [“Check On It” by Beyoncé begins to play] Ooo-o-oh!
[Jonah and Rebecca dance away to the side]
Megan: Hey, Sheldon, do you want to dance?
[Megan puts her hands on Sheldon’s shoulders, turning him to her, and they bounce and rock a little, while Rebecca grinds her backside wildly onto Jonah, and Sheldon sees this]
Sheldon: Whoah! All we did was hold hands while we waited to get picked up.
Megan: Wow, poor Sheldon. If Sheldon were to make a mathematical graph of this evening, the line spiked at the wheeling-out the chocolate fondue fountain, and now it has plummeted, maybe even reaching below the x-axis. Sheldon may have only dated Rebecca for two days, but he said it was super-intense.
Sheldon: The love of my life leaves me for my debate partner? [sighs] Today I am a man.
Sheldon’s Father: [on the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our very special surprise musical guests. I’ll give you a hint: they’ve got a number in their name.
Megan: [spastically] Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! Maroon 5! Five, number five is a five, number, number five! Oh, my gosh, Maroon 5, awesome, they’re here!
Sheldon’s Father: Ladies and gentlemen, Jazz Times 10!
[teenaged boys come to the stage with musical instruments and begin playing Hava Nagila, while a Hora starts on the dance floor]
Sheldon: No way! I’ve never needed you guys more than I do right now!
Megan: Yeah, shake it off, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Shoddy, you rock that clarinet! Man, nothing pulls me out of a funk faster than Jazz Times 10 going klezmer. Ha-ha! Signing off, I am Sheldon. [rolls his hand off his forehead in a salute]
Megan: And I’m the future Mrs. Adam Levi-i-ine.
Megan and Sheldon: Shalom!
[Megan and Sheldon head onto the dance floor and join the Hora]
Submitted by: DavidK93