SNL Transcripts: Natalie Portman: 03/04/06: Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Rebecca Herschlag…..Natalie Portman
Sheldon’s Grandfather…..Fred Armisen
Jonah…..Andy Samberg
Sheldon’s Father…..Chris Parnell

[open on hand-drawn sign: “Wakefield AV Club presents Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah,” with party music playing]

Megan: [from behind the sign] Hey, coming at you live from the beautiful Heritage Ballroom at the San Jose Embassy Suites, this is Sheldon’s bar mitzvah. [she sets the sign down to reveal herself and Sheldon, dressed formally, including a yarmulke for Sheldon, in a ballroom filled with teenagers dressed similarly]

Sheldon: Thanks.

Megan: I’m your host, Megan, and I’m taping this for my best friend and guest of honor. He’s got mad Hebrew skills. Please welcome Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. Hey.

Megan: Whoah, Sheldon, this bar mitzvah is sweet. It’s just like “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” except sooner and Jewish-er.

Sheldon: Thanks. Embassy Suites is really first rate. My dad got married here last year.

[Megan takes an hors d’oevre from a passing waiter]

Megan: Wow, look, they’ve got chicken satay. [shows it to Sheldon] Awesome!

Sheldon: Oh! Don’t hold that near my face; major peanut allergy.

Megan: Sheldon’s parents went all-out for this. [camera pans across buffet table, showing the following items] They have a make-your-own-sundae bar, virgin jello shots, and a professional Conan O’Brien look-alike.

[a man with red hair makes a thumbs-up sign, makes wild hand gestures, then runs two fingers across his lips and through his hair]

Sheldon: Yeah, and my mom said she had some kind of surprise entertainment later.

Megan: [spastically] Is it Maroon 5?! Is there any possible way your mom got Maroon 5 to be here?! That’d be aweome! [somewhat more calmly] Adam Levine’s voice jumps out of my iPod and into my soul. [singing] And he wi-i-ill be lo-o-oved!

Rebecca: [approaching from the side] Hi Sheldon. Congratulations! You did so great, and this party is so fun.

Sheldon: Thanks.

Rebecca: You look really nice.

Sheldon: Thanks. So do you.

Rebecca: I’m gonna go get a Sprite–

Sheldon: [simultaneously] Do you want to dance–?

[Rebecca turns and walks away]

Megan: Whoah, awkward. That’s Rebecca Herschlag, Sheldon’s ex. They hooked up in the pit orchestra of “Guys and Dolls.”

Sheldon: [scoffs] Never date a viola player.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: Oh, there he is. The superstar! [he grabs Sheldon’s chin and cheeks] Look at that little punum!

Sheldon: Hey, Grandpa.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: [lets go of Sheldon’s face] You know what, I got something for you. But don’t open it here, all right? I’m not trying to show off. And, anyway, it’s a surprise. [to Megan, loudly, but with a cupped hand] It’s a hundred dollars! [seeing someone off-camera] Hey, Maury!

Megan: I’m super-fascinated by the mystical nature of Judai-ism. The yarmulkes, the Kabbalah bracelets, oh, I don’t know, Adam Levi-i-ine. Whoah, who brought up Adam Levine? That’s cool. I have a picture of us if you want to see it. [she pulls a folded magazine page from inside the bosom of her dress] It’s the two of us here. [she opens it to the camera to show that it’s a photograph of Adam Levine in the magazine, with a photograph of herself glued next to him] “Oh, hey, Adam. What are you doing here at Sheldon’s bar mitzvah?” “I came here to be with you, baby.” “Oh, wait, I–” [she crinkles the page to put the faces on top of each other, as if kissing] “Mmm-mmm, ooh, ooh.”

Rebecca: [rushing up] Sheldon, careful, there’s chicken satay!

Sheldon: Oh, I know.

[“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker begins to play]

Rebecca: I just wanted to make sure you have your epi-pen.

Sheldon: [he pulls an epi-pen from his lapel] You know me too well, Herschlag, too well. [he replaces the epi-pen]

Rebecca: Oh, my gosh, they’re playing our song.

[Sheldon and Rebecca look at each other]

Jonah: Hey, Becca, babes, the Conan line’s died down a little. You wanna get our picture taken?

Rebecca: Yeah, do you wanna?

Sheldon: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, are you two a thing?

Rebecca: Oh, Sheldon. Yeah. We were paired up in science for frog dissection, and, you know, one thing to another.

Jonah: What can I say, man? The heart wants what it wants. [“Check On It” by Beyoncé begins to play] Ooo-o-oh!

[Jonah and Rebecca dance away to the side]

Megan: Hey, Sheldon, do you want to dance?

[Megan puts her hands on Sheldon’s shoulders, turning him to her, and they bounce and rock a little, while Rebecca grinds her backside wildly onto Jonah, and Sheldon sees this]

Sheldon: Whoah! All we did was hold hands while we waited to get picked up.

Megan: Wow, poor Sheldon. If Sheldon were to make a mathematical graph of this evening, the line spiked at the wheeling-out the chocolate fondue fountain, and now it has plummeted, maybe even reaching below the x-axis. Sheldon may have only dated Rebecca for two days, but he said it was super-intense.

Sheldon: The love of my life leaves me for my debate partner? [sighs] Today I am a man.

Sheldon’s Father: [on the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our very special surprise musical guests. I’ll give you a hint: they’ve got a number in their name.

Megan: [spastically] Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! Maroon 5! Five, number five is a five, number, number five! Oh, my gosh, Maroon 5, awesome, they’re here!

Sheldon’s Father: Ladies and gentlemen, Jazz Times 10!

[teenaged boys come to the stage with musical instruments and begin playing Hava Nagila, while a Hora starts on the dance floor]

Sheldon: No way! I’ve never needed you guys more than I do right now!

Megan: Yeah, shake it off, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Shoddy, you rock that clarinet! Man, nothing pulls me out of a funk faster than Jazz Times 10 going klezmer. Ha-ha! Signing off, I am Sheldon. [rolls his hand off his forehead in a salute]

Megan: And I’m the future Mrs. Adam Levi-i-ine.

Megan and Sheldon: Shalom!

[Megan and Sheldon head onto the dance floor and join the Hora]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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