Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys
Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency
Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Travel Agent…..Matt Dillon
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like a tropical postcard with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency.”
[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]
Travel Agent: Hi, come on in. What can I help you folks with today? Have a seat.
[The two sit down.]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna take a trip. [chews gum] What kind you got?
Travel Agent: Well, we have all sorts of travel packages, do you know where you want to go?
Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?
Female A-Hole: [chewing gum] I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Travel Agent: Okay, well, I can help you with that. Would you like to go someplace warm?
Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?
Female A-Hole: ‘Bout what?
Male A-Hole: The warmth.
Female A-Hole: The WHAT?
Male A-Hole: Warmth.
Female A-Hole: Can I have a diet ginger ale?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take a lemonade.
Travel Agent: Uh, we don’t serve drinks here. We do have water.
Male A-Hole: You want water, babe?
Female A-Hole: I hate water.
Male A-Hole: [jerks thumb at her] She hates water.
Travel Agent: Well, I guess a, uh, cruise is out of the question, then, huh?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we don’t get it.
[laughter] Female A-Hole: Should he be showing us pictures or something?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys got brochures?
Travel Agent: Of course. [pulls brochures out of desk drawer] Here are a few of our, uh, popular destinations, all very beautiful. Are you, uh, familiar at all with the Yucatan?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that place. Y’know that place, babe?
[long pause]
Male A-Hole: Know Yucatan?
[long pause]
Male A-Hole: You hear about that one–you heard ’bout that place, right, babe?
[long pause]
Male A-Hole: Babe, Yucatan?
Female A-Hole: [glares at him] Yah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know it.
Travel Agent: Great, would you like me to pull up some more information for you?
Male A-Hole: I dunno. You wanna go there, babe?
Female A-Hole: Where’s your ATM?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s gotta check her balance.
Travel Agent: Uh, look, folks, we don’t have one of those here. There is a Seven-Eleven across the street.
Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. Wanna go over there, babe?
Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Europe.
Male A-Hole: [with a touch of sarcasm] You guys know where Europe is?
[laughter]
Travel Agent: [carefully controls temper] Yes, we know where Europe is. Did you have someplace specific that you wanted to go, someplace specific in mind?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, whaddya think, babe?
Female A-Hole: I wanna drive there.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna do that.
Travel Agent: You can’t drive to Europe.
Female A-Hole: I can if I drive a BOAT.
Travel Agent: So you want to rent a boat and drive it to Europe.
Female A-Hole: What STREET are we on?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?
Travel Agent: Look, why don’t you two think about this some more, and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back. Okay?
Female A-Hole: I know where I wanna go.
Male A-Hole: All right, we got it, buddy. Where ya wanna go, babe?
Female A-Hole: England.
Travel Agent: Okay, England’s great, it’s a big place. There’s, uh, London. Brighton’s very nice. Did you have someplace in mind?
Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Hogwarts.
[laughter]
Travel Agent: You mean from the Harry Potter books?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. You guys got trips on magic school?
Travel Agent: Sir… that’s not a real place.
Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. All right. They don’t go to there, babe. Probably gotta go online for that, right, somethin’ like Orbitz or somethin’?
Travel Agent: NO, it’s a fictional place. You cannot GO there.
Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, gotta wait till summer, the wizards are outta school, right?
Travel Agent: No, never. It’s impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts; it doesn’t exist.
Male A-Hole: It’s invisible, right.
Travel Agent: Look, you obviously don’t know where it is that you want to go, so why don’t you go home, and think it over, and come back when you’ve made up your minds.
Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.
Travel Agent: Where?
Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?
Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.
[She points to the wall behind the travel agent. CUT to a framed poster of an airliner in flight.]
Travel Agent: Ma’am, that’s a poster of an airplane.
Female A-Hole: I know. I wanna go there.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna go there. How much?
Travel Agent: [pounds desktop] Get out. [points to door] Get the hell out of here.
Male A-Hole: They’re closin’, babe.
Female A-Hole: [to travel agent] Can you rub my shoulders? I slept weird.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys do backrubs here?
Travel Agent: LEAVE!
Female A-Hole: Maybe a grilled cheese.
Travel Agent: Fine, you know what, I’m gonna go in the back, and I’m gonna get some coffee. When I come back, you two better be gone.
[He stomps out the back and slams the door behind him.]
Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.
Male A-Hole: Yeah.
[He props up his feet on the desk. ZOOM out over applause, then FADE ]
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