SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: Spring Break

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Spring Break

Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Tasha…..Amy Poehler
Kiki…..Rachel Dratch
Becca…..Kristin Wiig
Attendant…..Finesse Mitchell
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ] [ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ] [ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]

Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!

Jessica: I know!

Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”

Jessica: That is so rad!

[ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]

Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?

Jessica: Kiki?

Kiki: Tasha?

Becca: Becca?

Kiki: Misty?

Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.

Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?

Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.

Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.

Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!

Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine!

[ they high-five one another ]

Jessica: What’s in all the bags?

Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!

All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!

Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!

Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.

Becca: I’ll split it with you!

Kiki: Okay!

Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.

Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.

Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?

Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!

Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!

Kiki: Did she like it?

Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her!

[ they high-five one another ]

Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.

Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!

Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too!

[ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ] [ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]

Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.

[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]

Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]

Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —

Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.

[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]

All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

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