Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys
[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ] [ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ] [ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]
Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!
Jessica: I know!
Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”
Jessica: That is so rad![ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]
Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?
Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.
Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already![ they high-five one another ]
Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?
Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.
Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.
Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!
Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine![ they high-five one another ]
Jessica: What’s in all the bags?
Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!
All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!
Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!
Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.
Becca: I’ll split it with you!
Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.
Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.
Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?
Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature![ they high-five one another ]
Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!
Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!
Kiki: Did she like it?
Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her![ they high-five one another ]
Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.
Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!
Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too![ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ] [ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]
Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]
Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]
Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —
Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]
All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!