SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: Spring Break


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Spring Break

Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Tasha…..Amy Poehler
Kiki…..Rachel Dratch
Becca…..Kristin Wiig
Attendant…..Finesse Mitchell
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ] [ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ] [ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]

Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!

Jessica: I know!

Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”

Jessica: That is so rad!

[ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]

Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?

Jessica: Kiki?

Kiki: Tasha?

Becca: Becca?

Kiki: Misty?

Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.

Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?

Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.

Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.

Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!

Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine!

[ they high-five one another ]

Jessica: What’s in all the bags?

Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!

All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!

Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!

Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.

Becca: I’ll split it with you!

Kiki: Okay!

Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.

Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.

Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?

Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!

Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!

Kiki: Did she like it?

Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her!

[ they high-five one another ]

Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.

Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!

Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too!

[ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ] [ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]

Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.

[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]

Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]

Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —

Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.

[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]

All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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