Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys
Joplin: Alive Podcast
Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]
Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?
Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.
Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–
Lane: Am I your oldest friend?
Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.
Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.
Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.
Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.
Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?
Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.
Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.
Lane: I love the hell out of this place.
Brendon: Yeah, you do.[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]
Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?
Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.
Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.
Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.
Lane: It’s already out there, man.
Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?
Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.
Brendon: You love that stuff.
Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.
Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?
Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.
Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?
Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.
Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?
Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.
Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]
Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…
Brendon: Oh, well.
Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.[laughter]
Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]
Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.
Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.
Brendon: Oh, Gawd.
Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.
Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.
Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.[laughter]
Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…[A couple walks in front of them.]
Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!
Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.
Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian![Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]
Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.
Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.
Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.
Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.
Brendon: No, none taken.
Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.[laughter]
Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.
Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.
Julian: I also like WINE.
Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]
Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?
Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?
Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.
Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.
Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?
Julian: What do you mean?
Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.[laughter]
Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.
Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.
Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.
Brendon: I remember that.
Julian: It’s not for everyone.
Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?
Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?
Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.
Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–
Janet: Okay! [exits]
Julian: And, voila.
Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]
Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?
Brendon: What’s that?
Lane: You brought that on yourself.
Brendon: That’s not encouraging.
Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.
Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…[theme song starts up]
Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]
Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!
Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.[SUPERIMPOSE “JOPLIN: ALIVE podcast.”]
Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night![CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Submitted by: Sean