SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: Joplin: Alive Podcast

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
Julian…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]

Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?

Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.

Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–

Lane: Am I your oldest friend?

Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.

Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.

Brendon: Yeah.

Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.

Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.

Lane: Whoo.

Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?

Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.

Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.

Lane: I love the hell out of this place.

Brendon: Yeah, you do.

[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]

Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?

Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.

Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.

Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.

Lane: It’s already out there, man.

Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?

Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.

Brendon: You love that stuff.

Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.

Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?

Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.

Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?

Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.

Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?

Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.

Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…

[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]

Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…

Janet: Yeah.

Brendon: Oh, well.

Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.


Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]

Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.

Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.

Brendon: Oh, Gawd.

Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.

Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.

Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.


Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…

[A couple walks in front of them.]

Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!

Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.

Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!

[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]

Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.

Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.

Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.

Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.

Brendon: No, none taken.

Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.


Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.

Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.

Julian: I also like WINE.

Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–

[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]

Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?

Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?

Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.

Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.

Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?

Julian: What do you mean?

Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.


Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.

Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.

Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.

Brendon: I remember that.

Julian: It’s not for everyone.

Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?

Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?

Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.

Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–

Janet: Okay! [exits]

Julian: And, voila.

Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]

Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?

Brendon: What’s that?

Lane: You brought that on yourself.

Brendon: That’s not encouraging.

Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.

Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…

[theme song starts up]

Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]

Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!

Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.


Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!

[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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