SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: Joplin: Alive Podcast


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
Julian…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]

Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?

Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.

Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–

Lane: Am I your oldest friend?

Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.

Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.

Brendon: Yeah.

Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.

Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.

Lane: Whoo.

Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?

Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.

Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.

Lane: I love the hell out of this place.

Brendon: Yeah, you do.

[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]

Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?

Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.

Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.

Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.

Lane: It’s already out there, man.

Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?

Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.

Brendon: You love that stuff.

Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.

Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?

Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.

Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?

Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.

Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?

Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.

Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…

[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]

Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…

Janet: Yeah.

Brendon: Oh, well.

Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.


Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]

Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.

Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.

Brendon: Oh, Gawd.

Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.

Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.

Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.


Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…

[A couple walks in front of them.]

Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!

Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.

Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!

[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]

Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.

Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.

Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.

Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.

Brendon: No, none taken.

Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.


Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.

Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.

Julian: I also like WINE.

Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–

[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]

Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?

Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?

Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.

Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.

Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?

Julian: What do you mean?

Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.


Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.

Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.

Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.

Brendon: I remember that.

Julian: It’s not for everyone.

Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?

Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?

Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.

Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–

Janet: Okay! [exits]

Julian: And, voila.

Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]

Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?

Brendon: What’s that?

Lane: You brought that on yourself.

Brendon: That’s not encouraging.

Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.

Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…

[theme song starts up]

Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]

Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!

Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.


Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!

[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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