Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
Matt Dillon’s Monologue
[CUT to Studio 8H. The large clock in the foreground reads 12:32 on the right clockface, and 11:33 on the left face.]
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen: Matt Dillon!
[Wearing a black jacket over a dark blue t-shirt, Dillon saunters out to home base over applause as the music winds up.]
Matt Dillon: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thanks, thanks! [waves hands] Listen, I have to say, this is really–it’s been a crazy week for me. Uh, here I am, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and only six days ago, I was in L.A. at the Academy Awards, and even though, I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t win, just getting nominated is an honor, of course, that is… y’know, ’til you LOSE. [laughter] But in any case, that night was a tremendous thrill for me, since “Crash” won Best Picture.
[riotous cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: Y’know, I… thank you. I was so proud to be a part of this film, and playing a racist L.A. cop for six months, y’know, really helped me, uh, better understand the issues of race in America today. My only regret is that I… I didn’t get a chance to read my acceptance speech. So… [laughter] I hope you guys, I’d like ta… is that all right, can I do that?
[The audience and bandmembers cheer wildly as Dillon pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his inner jacket pocket.]
Matt Dillon: Okay. Here goes. [reads off cue cards] Wow, wow, oh wow, wow, that’s… I’d like to thank the Academy. Clooney, you can’t win ’em all! I want to dedicate this to the most talented and diverse cast I’ve ever worked with. Sandra Bullock, Ryan Philippi, uhhhh… oh, Terence Howard, what an actor. I hope you win tonight, Terry. I didn’t get to see the pimp movie… but it’s probably not for me, right? Uh, Ludicrous, you played a great gangster. I know it’s not too much of a stretch. I’m just playin’ with you, brother, just playin’–but he knows what I’m talkin’ about! He knows what I’m talkin’ about. Let’s see, I–I wanna thank, I wanna thank all the Asians in the cast.
Matt Dillon: I’m sorry I kept gettin’ you guys confused. [laughter] But it didn’t matter, because you were all great. Oh, oh–and the Hispanics. They were such an amazing… God, y’know, such an amazing work ethic on those people. Y’know, I was so tired…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: I was so tired at the end of the day, and to think that they all had to… to run off to jump into the back of one, one pickup truck, and go to their second and third jobs. Unbelievable, you know. Oh, and the Arab family. I know none of you are gonna believe this, but they were so nice. They really were the sweetest people. And so CLEAN, so clean.
Matt Dillon: Uh, who else… Oh! All the gays in the wardrobe department. Snaps to you. Uh, my agent, uh, my manager, the producers. Heck, you know, all the Jews who worked in this production…
[laughter and applause]
Matt Dillon: And of course, I’d like to thank my mom. I come from a big Irish family, and my mother was always able to take the time to put down the potato peeler and her flask of whiskey… [laughter] …and give me and my 16 brothers and sisters all the love and support we needed. I LOVE ya, Ma!!
[cheers and applause]
Matt Dillon: We’ve got a great show for ya tonight, Arctic Monkeys are here, so stick around, we’ll be back.
[ZOOM out over cheers and applause.]
Submitted by: Sean