SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: TV Land Variety Vault



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14





05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

TV Land Variety Vault

Voiceover…..Chris Parnell
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Don Knotts…..Darrell Hammond
Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig
Rod Serling…..Matt Dillon

[FADE IN on the TV Land Variety Vault logo with the year “1961” in the middle. ’60s go-go horns play in the background.]

Voiceover: You’re watching TV Land After Dark. You’re high right now, aren’t you?

[FADE to a dark, Gothic parlor as spooky organ music plays. Enter Vincent with a raven on his right shoulder. Lightning and thunder abound.]

Vincent: Salutations, soon-to-be-denizens of the underworld. I’m… Vincent Price. Prepare to embark on a journey MOST wicked! Where, you ask, is our ultimate destination? Is it Mammon’s lair, buried deep within the darkest depths of all-consuming hellfire? Or is it… my St. Patrick’s Day Special?

[CUT to a gray background which is slowly superimposed with the show title in horror film lettering. Happy theme music bounces underneath.]

Announcer: [in a jolly voice] It’s Vincent Price’s St. Patrick’s Day Special. Now, please welcome your host, master of the unholy darkness: Vincent Price!

[FADE back to Vincent over applause.]

Vincent: Erin Go Bragh, brave pilgrim. The holiday ritual in which you are set to participate traces its origins to the most mystical of Celtic tribes: the Druids. Each year those dark souls celebrated the feast of Flaggle-Flaggle-Douschen. A human sacrificial celebration honoring the beast god Braggoth. A pre-vernal Baphenal that would shame Baphomet himself. BLOOD POURING OUT OF EVERY–

[doorbell rings]

Vincent: Oh, who could that be?

[Organ music rises as a coffin lid in the right-hand wall opens up to reveal Deputy Barney Fife.]

Barney: Well, hello, Vincent! Top of the morning to you!

Vincent: Well, if it isn’t Deputy Barney Fife! As portrayed by my good friend, Mr. Don Knotts.

Barney: Hello, every–

[applause]

Barney: Yeah, well…

Vincent: Hello, Barney.

Barney: Hello, everyone! Uh, Vincent, we got a call in to the sheriff’s department saying you were having a St. Paddy’s Day special, and I thought–I thought–Vincent, what in thee WORLD?!

Vincent: I… don’t know what you mean.

Barney: Well, look at all this, ghouls, goblins, cobwebs, coffins! Price, you gotta lighten UP!

Vincent: Yes.

Barney: You gotta have some FUN!

Vincent: Yes.

Barney: Here, put on this hat.

[Barney takes a toy bowler hat with a loop attached to the brim and reaches to put it on Vincent’s head.]

Vincent: [leans away] Well, I’m not… really…

Barney: Put it on!

Vincent: Come on, I’m not a hat person, I’m not…

Barney: Oh, come on, come on–ohhhh, YEAH!

[Barney sets the tiny hat atop Vincent’s head and loops the string under his chin.]

Vincent: You’re right.

Barney: Yeah! [exits]

Vincent: [dryly] It’s perfect.

[organ music rises]

Vincent: AND THE UNHOLY BLOOD FEAST CONTINUES! [thunderclap] I’d like to take this opportunity to recite a short but nonetheless horrifying poem I wrote for this very occasion. I will be accompanied in this endeavor by the melodious tones of the Kilkenny Pipers. BOYS?

[Two bagpipers come out and flank Vincent on either side.]

Vincent: Midnight on the shores of Loch Dirge.

[The bagpipers fire up their instruments loudly.]

Vincent: [shouting over bagpipes] Hounds baying at the scent of freshly spilled blood! Corner of the wicked…

[The Pipers go full-throttle into song and completely drown Vincent out. He shouts his poem uselessly for about ten seconds, gesturing low and high, then finally stops and glares at the piper on his left. When he yells at them to stop, Barney reappears in front of them.]

Barney: Nip it in thee BUD!

Vincent: Thank you, Donny!

Barney: Yeah, well… [exits]

Vincent: [tears up poem] Let’s move on, shall we?

[organ music rises]

Vincent: Each holiday has its traditional foods. In the days of yore, the Druid High Priest would consume the still-beating hearts of one thousand virgins. Today, nothing hits the spot like a nice plate of corned beef and cabbage. Here to bring us that very delight, please welcome Miss Katherine Hepburn. Kate?

[The bookcase on the far wall revolves to reveal Katherine lounging against it in a white shirt and gray slacks. She saunters up to the host.]

Katherine: Oh, Vincent, really, you make me laaaaaaugh.

Vincent: [smirks] Oh, do I?

Katherine: Where, may I ask, did you get that most fetching little crooooooww?

Vincent: Oh, this?

Katherine: I can fly a plane, you know.

Vincent: Oh, really?

Katherine: Also, I wear pants like a man would–does that frighten you, Vincent?

Vincent: You actually want responses to these questions?

Katherine: Sometimes I wear my aviator goggles over my sunglasses, did you know thaaat?

Vincent: That’s implied, yes, I meant to talk about that…

Katherine: Is it? My Uncle Covey says it’s no way for a lady to behave, but I say he’s just being an old poop–wouldn’t you agreeeeee?

Vincent: Okay. Okay. Oh, good. Okay. That’s great. Thanks for stopping by, thanks for stopping by. [nudges her toward stage left]

Katherine: [babbling] We used to have an awful crow problem when I was on the farm in Connecticut. I used to ride horses when I was two! [exits]

Vincent: AND EVIL MARCHES ON!! [thunderclap] My next guest hosts a show which brings unspeakable evil and darkness into America’s homes. Fridays on CBS–check your local listings. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rod Serling.

[Serling appears with his cigarette and takes his place in the foreground. The “Twilight Zone” theme starts up and a spotlight lands on him.]

Serling: A man hosts a poorly conceived St. Patrick’s Day variety special… which seems to be turning into an unmitigated disaster. Is this television special doomed… or have we just set foot… in the Twilight Zone?

Vincent: [leaning over Rod’s shoulder] Yes, “The Twilight Zone.” Yeah. Still waitin’ for the call on that one. Got a hit show about creepy stuff, but you can’t find a role for old Vince Price, eh? Burgess Meredith. Sure. That guy just SCREAMS creepy. But no, not your good buddy Price!

Serling: [over theme] A man doesn’t realize that Burgess Meredith is ten times the actor that he ever was.

Vincent: WOW! WOW! Just like that! On my own show! [steps back] All right, you know, let’s wrap this up.

[horror music starts in]

Vincent: You’ve just witnessed first-hand the ancient evil of the Druids. You now stand powerless, cowering in fear, stripped in your very soul! There’s but one task left before you: HAVE A HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

[The bagpipers reappear and start back in.]

Vincent: This is why we have rehearsal!

[His words are drowned out once again. SUPERIMPOSE title caption and PAN back as Vincent complains soundlessly under the bagpipe music.]

Announcer: This has been the Vincent Price St. Patrick’s Day Special. Thanks for watching!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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