SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06:


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Single Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch
Single Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig
Dr. L.M. Fontaine…..Finesse Mitchell
Single Woman #3…..Amy Poehler

[FADE IN on a woman in a red sweater against a stark white background.] Woman #1: I hated the singles bars. And speed-dating? It was exhausting and frustrating.

[CUT to another woman with red hair.]

Woman #2: I was so tired of the dating scene. I was beginning to think there just wasn’t a man out there for me.

[FADE to Dr. Fontaine in a dark gray suit.]

Dr. Fontaine: I’m Dr. L.M. Fontaine. And I’m here to tell you that there IS somebody for you. I’ve developed a revolutionary NEW dating service that introduces deserving women to an untapped sea of eligible bachelors. Meet the man of your dreams at

[FADE to “” logo as the words slam together like prison doors. The “o” in “prison” is represented by a heart-shaped padlock. “Everlasting Love” starts playing in the background. FADE to Dr. Fontaine against a shot of women talking to prisoners through windows.]

Dr. Fontaine: Prison mates are available, MOSTLY reformed, and are ready for a loving, fulfilling relationship! You’ll never have to worry about commitment issues again. These guys ain’t going nowhere.

Announcer: [over slamming words logo]!

[FADE to first woman sitting at a row of prison phones.]

Woman #1: The conjugal visits make me feel like the only woman in the world. Who knew the love of my life was just a collect call away?

[When she picks up the phone, PAN through the glass to a balding, scruffy inmate who leers hungrily at her.]

Woman #1: Hi, honey!

Announcer: [over slamming words logo]!

Dr. Fontaine: The only thing in the world they have to do is lift weights! And think about you REAL hard.

Woman #3: My soulmate is a cellmate.

[ZOOM in past her on an inmate in a straitjacket with a green plastic mask covering his face. He stares wild-eyed at her and groans like a maniac.]

Announcer: [over slamming words logo]!

All Three Women: [in unison] Thank you, prisonmate.met!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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