SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg

…..Seth Meyers
…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte
Street Bum…..Horatio Sanz

[FADE IN on three guys in shirts and ties sitting on a sidewalk bench and eating their lunches.]

Seth Meyers: [points] Oh, my God. That guy over there totally looks like you, Will.

Will Forte: What? Where?

Seth Meyers: Over there on the bench.

[CUT to Will standing with one foot on a sidewalk bench. He is dressed exactly the same except for a fake mustache.]

Will Forte: THAT guy? No way, he doesn’t look like me.

Seth Meyers: Doesn’t that look like him?

Andy Samberg: He looks like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he’s a dead ringer.

Will Forte: Okay, I guess so. That’s pretty good. Okay, Seth, I’m gonna try to find you.

Seth Meyers: Good luck.

[Will peers at passersby.]

Will Forte: Boom. Right there. [points to left]

Seth Meyers: No, where?

Will Forte: Over there by the wall.

[CUT to Seth standing on the sidewalk and dressed exactly the same except for a top hat.]

Seth Meyers: [with his mouth full] Oh, c’mon, that guy looks nothing like me.

Will Forte: Oh, my God, Andy, doesn’t that look like Seth?

Andy Samberg: It looks like you.

Seth Meyers: What? That guy’s got a big top hat, he doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: Well, you gotta imagine him without the top hat. He’s your doppelganger, man.

[Seth covers up the “lookalike’s” top hat with two fingers.]

Seth Meyers: I guess, you know–yeah, I see it. All right, let’s do Andy.

Will Forte: Okay.

[They all scan the streets for a long moment.]

Seth Meyers: [points] There he is.

Will Forte: [points] Wait, I got one too.

Seth Meyers: By the trash can?

Will Forte: Same one. Oh, my God, that is YOU, Andy.

[CUT to a street bum dressed in an green Army surplus jacket, bright red mittens, and jeans cut off at the calves.]

Andy Samberg: THAT guy?

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy.

Andy Samberg: He doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: What, he looks EXACTLY like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you gotta look past the gloves.

Andy Samberg: Hey, it’s not the gloves. That guy’s a LOSER.

Will Forte: Fine, who do YOU think he’d look like?

Andy Samberg: I don’t know. [points to right] How about THAT guy?

[CUT to Andy standing against a wall and dressed exactly the same except for a bright green bandanna around his neck.]

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy does not look ANYTHING like you. He’s wearing a green bandanna around his neck.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know–the first guy, that guy’s your twin.

Andy Samberg: THAT guy.

[In disgust, Andy stands up and walks over next to the street bum.]

Andy Samberg: You think I look like THIS guy! [points at bum]

Will Forte: Well, not now, he’s wearing those gloves.

Andy Samberg: Okay, fine!

[Andy pulls off the bum’s gloves and throws them to the ground. The bum stands idly.]

Andy Samberg: How about now?

[Seth stands up and looks bewildered.]

Seth Meyers: Now I… now I can’t tell ’em apart! Which one’s Andy?

Andy Samberg: You gotta be KIDDING me!

[Will and Seth stare for a moment, and then Will aims a handgun at them.]

Will Forte: I don’t know which one to shoot.

Andy Samberg: WHAT?! Why even shoot ANYONE?!

Seth Meyers: Wait. We can ask him something that only Andy knows! Andy, what do you think about sandwiches?

Andy Samberg: I–uh–I–I love them!

Seth Meyers: Andy does love sandwiches.

Will Forte: EVERYONE loves sandwiches!

Seth Meyers: You’re right. Take the shot.

Andy Samberg: DON’T take the shot!!

Seth Meyers: TAKE THE SHOT!!!

[CUT abuptly to black as a gunshot rings out. CUT to Seth and Will back on the bench. The street bum sits between them in his green jacket and finishes Andy’s lunch.]

Will Forte: [sheepishly] I shot the wrong guy.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

[They sit motionless for a moment.]

Seth Meyers: Back to work?

Will Forte: Back to work. [to bum] Let’s go, bozo.

[All three stand up at once and walk calmly away. FADE slowly to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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