SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg

…..Seth Meyers
…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte
Street Bum…..Horatio Sanz

[FADE IN on three guys in shirts and ties sitting on a sidewalk bench and eating their lunches.]

Seth Meyers: [points] Oh, my God. That guy over there totally looks like you, Will.

Will Forte: What? Where?

Seth Meyers: Over there on the bench.

[CUT to Will standing with one foot on a sidewalk bench. He is dressed exactly the same except for a fake mustache.]

Will Forte: THAT guy? No way, he doesn’t look like me.

Seth Meyers: Doesn’t that look like him?

Andy Samberg: He looks like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he’s a dead ringer.

Will Forte: Okay, I guess so. That’s pretty good. Okay, Seth, I’m gonna try to find you.

Seth Meyers: Good luck.

[Will peers at passersby.]

Will Forte: Boom. Right there. [points to left]

Seth Meyers: No, where?

Will Forte: Over there by the wall.

[CUT to Seth standing on the sidewalk and dressed exactly the same except for a top hat.]

Seth Meyers: [with his mouth full] Oh, c’mon, that guy looks nothing like me.

Will Forte: Oh, my God, Andy, doesn’t that look like Seth?

Andy Samberg: It looks like you.

Seth Meyers: What? That guy’s got a big top hat, he doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: Well, you gotta imagine him without the top hat. He’s your doppelganger, man.

[Seth covers up the “lookalike’s” top hat with two fingers.]

Seth Meyers: I guess, you know–yeah, I see it. All right, let’s do Andy.

Will Forte: Okay.

[They all scan the streets for a long moment.]

Seth Meyers: [points] There he is.

Will Forte: [points] Wait, I got one too.

Seth Meyers: By the trash can?

Will Forte: Same one. Oh, my God, that is YOU, Andy.

[CUT to a street bum dressed in an green Army surplus jacket, bright red mittens, and jeans cut off at the calves.]

Andy Samberg: THAT guy?

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy.

Andy Samberg: He doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: What, he looks EXACTLY like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you gotta look past the gloves.

Andy Samberg: Hey, it’s not the gloves. That guy’s a LOSER.

Will Forte: Fine, who do YOU think he’d look like?

Andy Samberg: I don’t know. [points to right] How about THAT guy?

[CUT to Andy standing against a wall and dressed exactly the same except for a bright green bandanna around his neck.]

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy does not look ANYTHING like you. He’s wearing a green bandanna around his neck.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know–the first guy, that guy’s your twin.

Andy Samberg: THAT guy.

[In disgust, Andy stands up and walks over next to the street bum.]

Andy Samberg: You think I look like THIS guy! [points at bum]

Will Forte: Well, not now, he’s wearing those gloves.

Andy Samberg: Okay, fine!

[Andy pulls off the bum’s gloves and throws them to the ground. The bum stands idly.]

Andy Samberg: How about now?

[Seth stands up and looks bewildered.]

Seth Meyers: Now I… now I can’t tell ’em apart! Which one’s Andy?

Andy Samberg: You gotta be KIDDING me!

[Will and Seth stare for a moment, and then Will aims a handgun at them.]

Will Forte: I don’t know which one to shoot.

Andy Samberg: WHAT?! Why even shoot ANYONE?!

Seth Meyers: Wait. We can ask him something that only Andy knows! Andy, what do you think about sandwiches?

Andy Samberg: I–uh–I–I love them!

Seth Meyers: Andy does love sandwiches.

Will Forte: EVERYONE loves sandwiches!

Seth Meyers: You’re right. Take the shot.

Andy Samberg: DON’T take the shot!!

Seth Meyers: TAKE THE SHOT!!!

[CUT abuptly to black as a gunshot rings out. CUT to Seth and Will back on the bench. The street bum sits between them in his green jacket and finishes Andy’s lunch.]

Will Forte: [sheepishly] I shot the wrong guy.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

[They sit motionless for a moment.]

Seth Meyers: Back to work?

Will Forte: Back to work. [to bum] Let’s go, bozo.

[All three stand up at once and walk calmly away. FADE slowly to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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