Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
Dan Patrick…..Seth Meyer
Stuart Scott…..Finesse Mitchell
Barry Bonds…..Kenan Thompson
Greg Anderson…..Matt Dillon
Lou the Seal…..
Giants Player…..Bill Hader
[open on title effects: “SPORTSCENTER” with swirling lights] [dissolve to news desk with Dan Patrick and Stuart Scott]
Dan Patrick: Good evening. [titles: “Dan Patrick,” “Stuart Scott”] I’m Dan Patrick.
Stuart Scott: And I’m Stuart Scott. [titles are removed] Boo-yah! [raises fist]
Dan Patrick: Coming up on “Sportscenter,” we’ll preview the NCA tournament.
Stuart Scott: And I’ll honor Kirby Puckett’s legacy with my own brand of slam poetry.
Dan Patrick: But first we turn to the Barry Bonds steroid scandal. A new book called “Game of Shadows” alleges that Bonds used several types of steroids in his quest for the home run title. Joining us live via satellite is the man himself, Barry Bonds.[dissolve to Barry Bonds with very muscular arms, sitting in a locker room]
Barry Bonds: Hello.
Dan Patrick: Barry, how do you respond to the allegations in this book?
Barry Bonds: Man, I won’t even look at that book. [title: “Barry Bonds, 7-time MVP”] It’s full of lies. [title is removed] Besides, the book’s too tiny for my giant hands. [he holds up his giant hands and looks thoughtfully at them]
Dan Patrick: Barry, let’s take a look at some photos. This is you in 1998, before allegedly taking steroids. [dissolve to a photo of Barry Bonds with normally proportioned musculature] And this is you in 2004. [dissolve to a photo of Barry Bonds with massive arms and hands, shouting exultantly to the sky]
Barry Bonds: That’s completely natural. It’s called exercise.
Dan Patrick: That doesn’t explain why your head has doubled in size.
Barry Bonds: Well, I got two words for you: head exercises. Yeah, in the off-season, I’ve been thinking real hard. Every day I would do a crossword puzzle, and then I would eat it!
Stuart Scott: Hey, Barry. Stuart Scott here. Boo-yah. In your grand jury testimony, you admitted using an illegal topical cream. But you claimed you didn’t know it was steroids. Money, how can that be true?
Barry Bonds: Look, Stuart, when you’re at the gym and a stranger comes up to you and starts rubbing cream on your shoulders, you don’t ask questions. Haven’t you ever been to the gym? Damn!
Dan Patrick: We’re now joined by the man who allegedly supplied these steroids, Barry Bonds’ personal trainer, Greg Anderson.[dissolve to Greg Anderson, a very muscular man, with title: “Greg Anderson, personal trainer”]
Greg Anderson: It’s great to be here, Dan. It’s a real dream come true. [title is removed]
Dan Patrick: Really? Because you’re being indicted for selling drugs.
Greg Anderson: Hey, either way, I made it onto “Sportscenter.”
Dan Patrick: Mr. Anderson, did you supply Barry Bonds with performance-enhancing drugs?
Greg Anderson: Absolutely not. The only substance that I ever gave Barry Bonds was an all-natural flax seed oil.
Dan Patrick: Flax seed oil?
Greg Anderson: Yeah, you know, flax seed oil. The kind you inject in your butt.
Dan Patrick: Mr. Anderson, it appears you are also taking steroids.
Greg Anderson: Absolutely not. This has always been my natural physique.
Dan Patrick: Okay, let’s take a look at a photo of you from five years ago. [dissolve to a shirtless photo of Greg, showing a very scrawny torso and arms]
Greg Anderson: I don’t see your point.
Dan Patrick: Look, doctors have come forward and testified that you injected Bonds with steroids.
Greg Anderson: Doctors? You know, I’m tired of these doctors and their accusations. Why don’t these so-called doctors focus on real problems like curing cancer, or back acne, or uncontrollable rage, or man boobs?!
Dan Patrick: Thank you, Mr. Anderson. Sadly, this scandal implicates the entire San Francisco Giants organization. Here to comment is the Giants’ mascot, Lou the Seal. [dissolve to Lou the Seal at Giants’ Stadium, with title: “Lou the Seal, S.F. Giants mascot”] Lou, were you aware of any steroid use. [title is removed]
Lou the Seal: [with a cartoony voice] Never, Dan! The whole Giants team gets my “seal” of approval.
Stuart Scott: Interesting you say that, Lou. Let’s take a look at a photo of you from five years ago. [dissolve to a photo of a baby seal] How do you explain that?[dissolve to Lou the Seal bent forward while a teammate injects the contents of a needle into his posterior]
Lou the Seal: [groaning in a deeper voice] Oh, yeah, right there! That– [with cartoony voice] Oh![Lou and the player run away in opposite directions]
Dan Patrick: Lou the Seal, everyone. Barry Bonds, any final thoughts? Is your legacy tarnished?
Barry Bonds: No, it’s not, Dan. Because the fans understand. They know Barry Bonds comes to play. And after her plays, he has sex on a pile of money. With three supermodels. [he holds up his giant hand and shows four fingers] That’s three supermodels [he cannot bend his overgrown fingers] that are not his wife. [shouts] You know what?! I’m getting out of here! Man, get this damn mike off of me! [stands and leaves]
Stuart Scott: Strong, bewildering words from Barry Bonds. Hey, we’re gonna take a break. But when we return, I’m gonna put Kofi Annan on the Budweiser hot seat. Respect! [raises a fist] You’re watching “Sportscenter.”[Dan and Stuart fist-bump] [dissolve to title effects: “SPORTSCENTER” with swirling lights]
Submitted by: DavidK93