Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
How to Order Sushi Like a CEO
[FADE IN on a man in a business suit sitting at a sushi bar. Japanese Muzak plays in the background.]
CEO: Hi. I’m a CEO type at a large business firm, so you can imagine I eat a lot of sushi. Like boatloads, like beaucoup sushi. When you sit down with clients at a Japanese restaurant, they don’t often know what to order, except common things like edamame, and California rolls. Snoozeville. That’s why I paid someone to write this book.[He holds up a red book with a picture of himself holding chopsticks and grinning.]
CEO: “How to Order Sushi Like a CEO.” With my book, you’ll learn how to wow them, leaving no doubt in their minds that you know sushi like Kristi Yamaguchi. Watch and learn.[ENTER waitress in a kimono.]
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato. I think I’ll start with some toro. [to camera] That’s fatty tuna. Whatever I get, I’m gonna be using a lot of namida, or, as uninformed call it, wasabi.
Waitress: So, would you wrike another minute to decide?
CEO: What about your uni? Is the uni good tonight?
Waitress: So you would wrike sea urchin.
CEO: [to camera] Impressive. She knows what uni is.[laughter]
CEO: You know what? I’ll have some uni sashimi, a couple of mirugai, and maybe some ama ebi.
Waitress: So you want sea urchin, giant cram, and sweet shreemp?
Waitress: Yes, sashimi.
CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato.[The waitress gives a “screw-loose” expression to the camera and exits.]
CEO: There’s nothing I love more, except midmorning fellatio… than sitting with clients or associates, talking about figures, and eating fresh, authentic sushi.[The waitress sets a plate of sushi on the bar.]
CEO: Ah. Look at that giant raw clam. [fumbles for bottle] I’m just gonna kiss this baby with a little shoyu sauce… or, as losers call it, soy sauce.[He bends over the plate, lifts the clam to his mouth, and slurps it out of the shell. He gnashes his teeth and struggles to swallow it.]
CEO: Mmmmm.[He wipes his lips with a napkin and keeps gritting his teeth. After several seconds, he finally manages to swallow the clam.]
CEO: TERRIFIC. [wipes mouth again] Real Japanese people eat the real deal. For instance… like this sweet shrimp. [picks up plate and chopsticks] It’s raw, and it’s still got its head.
CEO: Mmmmm.[He covers his mouth with the napkin and surreptitiously spits the shrimp into it.]
CEO: [wads up napkin and puts it on the bar] That is some phenomenal ama ebi. I’m all about the ama ebi. And I always like to top it off… [picks up plate] with… some uni. [picks up fish with chopsticks] Yep. I’m an uni-olic. I need to go to U-A meetings. Oh, yeah. This stuff is crazy good.[He places the piece of fish in his mouth, bites down, then turns smoothly to his left and spits it out onto the floor. He takes a deep breath and wipes his mouth again.]
CEO: Phenomenal. So next time you go to a sushi bar… for a business dinner with associates, don’t act like a zero…[He fumbles for his book and knocks a chopstick onto the floor.]
CEO: Get my book and order like a CEO. Konbanwa?[Enter waitress.]
Waitress: Anything else, Meester Douche?[laughter]
CEO: Apparently, that’s my last name in Japanese. [to waitress] Nope. Just the okanjo. [to camera] That means, “check.”[He winks and grins at the camera over applause. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean