SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: How to Order Sushi Like a CEO


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

How to Order Sushi Like a CEO

CEO…..Matt Dillon
Waitress…..Maya Rudolph

[FADE IN on a man in a business suit sitting at a sushi bar. Japanese Muzak plays in the background.]

CEO: Hi. I’m a CEO type at a large business firm, so you can imagine I eat a lot of sushi. Like boatloads, like beaucoup sushi. When you sit down with clients at a Japanese restaurant, they don’t often know what to order, except common things like edamame, and California rolls. Snoozeville. That’s why I paid someone to write this book.

[He holds up a red book with a picture of himself holding chopsticks and grinning.]

CEO: “How to Order Sushi Like a CEO.” With my book, you’ll learn how to wow them, leaving no doubt in their minds that you know sushi like Kristi Yamaguchi. Watch and learn.

[ENTER waitress in a kimono.]

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato. I think I’ll start with some toro. [to camera] That’s fatty tuna. Whatever I get, I’m gonna be using a lot of namida, or, as uninformed call it, wasabi.

Waitress: So, would you wrike another minute to decide?

CEO: What about your uni? Is the uni good tonight?

Waitress: So you would wrike sea urchin.

CEO: [to camera] Impressive. She knows what uni is.


CEO: You know what? I’ll have some uni sashimi, a couple of mirugai, and maybe some ama ebi.

Waitress: So you want sea urchin, giant cram, and sweet shreemp?

CEO: Sashimi.

Waitress: Yes, sashimi.

CEO: [presses palms together and bows] Arigato.

[The waitress gives a “screw-loose” expression to the camera and exits.]

CEO: There’s nothing I love more, except midmorning fellatio… than sitting with clients or associates, talking about figures, and eating fresh, authentic sushi.

[The waitress sets a plate of sushi on the bar.]

CEO: Ah. Look at that giant raw clam. [fumbles for bottle] I’m just gonna kiss this baby with a little shoyu sauce… or, as losers call it, soy sauce.

[He bends over the plate, lifts the clam to his mouth, and slurps it out of the shell. He gnashes his teeth and struggles to swallow it.]

CEO: Mmmmm.

[He wipes his lips with a napkin and keeps gritting his teeth. After several seconds, he finally manages to swallow the clam.]

CEO: TERRIFIC. [wipes mouth again] Real Japanese people eat the real deal. For instance… like this sweet shrimp. [picks up plate and chopsticks] It’s raw, and it’s still got its head.

[He stuffs the shrimp into his mouth and keeps his teeth clamped down. The tail sticks out as he starts looking ill.]

CEO: Mmmmm.

[He covers his mouth with the napkin and surreptitiously spits the shrimp into it.]

CEO: [wads up napkin and puts it on the bar] That is some phenomenal ama ebi. I’m all about the ama ebi. And I always like to top it off… [picks up plate] with… some uni. [picks up fish with chopsticks] Yep. I’m an uni-olic. I need to go to U-A meetings. Oh, yeah. This stuff is crazy good.

[He places the piece of fish in his mouth, bites down, then turns smoothly to his left and spits it out onto the floor. He takes a deep breath and wipes his mouth again.]

CEO: Phenomenal. So next time you go to a sushi bar… for a business dinner with associates, don’t act like a zero…

[He fumbles for his book and knocks a chopstick onto the floor.]

CEO: Get my book and order like a CEO. Konbanwa?

[Enter waitress.]

Waitress: Anything else, Meester Douche?


CEO: Apparently, that’s my last name in Japanese. [to waitress] Nope. Just the okanjo. [to camera] That means, “check.”

[He winks and grins at the camera over applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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