Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys
Inner Harmony Relaxation Tape
Barry the Director…..Bill Hader
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Frank…..Matt Dillon
Woman at Home…..Amy Poehler
[FADE IN on three narrators and a director around a microphone in a recording studio.]
Barry: Okay, whenever you guys are ready, I’m just gonna roll.
Woman: [softly] Okay, great.
Barry: [into microphone] “Inner Harmony” Relaxation Tape, take one.
[He backs away as slow piano music starts playing.]
Woman: As we begin… relaaaaax… release all of your worries… [smiles deliciously]
Man: Gently inhaaaaaale… and then calmly release the breath…
Frank: [in a loud growl] RELAX. Gently SHUT your EYES… picture yourself in a field of flowers!
Barry: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut. Sorry about this, guys. This is, this is Frank’s first relaxation tape.
Woman: Oh.
Man: I see.
Barry: So, Frank, you need to soften your delivery a little bit.
Woman: Yes, and the volume may be a little bit lower.
Man: And the tone color was a little bit dark.
Woman: A little wavy, yeah.
Frank: I thought it sounded pretty good, but you’re the boss. Whatever you want to do.
Barry: Great. We’re still rolling, guys. [exits]
[piano music]
Woman: As you’re lying on your back… breeeeeeeathe, and squeeeeeeze the muscles in your feet…
[laughter]
Man: Allow yourself to spread to your full length and width… softening all…
Frank: YEAH! You gotta CLOSE your EYES now, c’mon. SHUT ’em. NO PEEKING!
Barry: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Frank, I don’t see those lines anywhere.
Man: Please, stick to the script if you can.
Frank: Why is EVERYONE givin’ me this THIRD DEGREE over this? I was improvising. Give me a freakin’ break! What am I, in Russia?
Woman: You know, Frank, maybe it would help you if you think of something that you find relaxing.
Frank: Got it, got it.
[Frank holds out his hands to give the man ten. The other man winces when Frank slaps his hands. Frank offers the same to the woman and director, but they back up.]
Man: Okay.
Barry: I’m still rollin’.
[piano music]
Woman: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze… your–
Frank: Imagine you’re drivin’ down the street in a Ferrari, you got some hot blonde, like, uh, Gina Lee Nolan. You’re drivin’ by all those dopes from high school, and they’re so jealous–they just wanna blow their freakin’ brains out.
Barry: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Woman: Barry, I’m sorry, I can’t work like this.
Barry: I’m sorry, Frank, this isn’t gonna work. You’re fired.
Frank: Fine. [pulls off headphones] I guess I was just too authentic for you people, huh? Have fun with your relaxation CD. Not that anybody’s gonna buy it!
[He turns to leave.]
Barry: [to other narrators] Okay, I’m sorry about that, guys.
Man: Oh, man.
Woman: That’s so creepy–
[Frank stops at the door and turns around toward them.]
Frank: Oh, just one more thing. If you DO decide to pay me for today’s session, send the check to Valley Lutheran Hospital. That’s where I’m taking care of my sick mom. You have a good day.
Barry: Okay. [to others] WOW.
Frank: [turns back around] Oh, and in case you’re lookin’ for me… you can find me on the Route 3 bus line. That’s how I’d be gettin’ around these days. So you enjoy yourselves.
Woman: [nervously] Thank you.
Barry: Okay, from the top, guys–
Frank: Oh, and one more thing. There’s a salami sandwich in the fridge. TAKE IT, take it, take it–I bought it for you guys with my own money. Okay? You guys have fun, huh?
Man: We’ll try. We’ll try to have fun.
Woman: If we try, um, listening to Track 2–
Frank: Oh, and if you’re wondering… why the floors are so clean? That’s ’cause I came in EARLY, and swept ’em up! SO YOU REALLY HAVE A REALLY NICE DAY!!
Barry: Thank you for doing that.
Man: What if we do it softer–
Frank: Oh, one MORE thing…
Man: You worked fine! You can stay! Here. [holds out headphones]
Frank: [clenches fists] YES! [takes headphones] Okay, pick it up from the top. [takes microphone] Excuse me.
[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a woman lying in bed in a robe with a gel mask over her eyes and candles burning on her dresser. She presses a button on her portable stereo to play the relaxation CD.]
Woman: Feeeeeel how satisfying it is to breeeeeeeeathe in to your full capacity…
Frank: Calm DOWN already. What’s WRONG with you? LAY DOWN ON THE CARPET NOW!
[The woman in bed jerks, takes off her mask, and looks at the camera in disbelief. FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean
