Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 14
05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys
DiCicco Brothers Unicornery
Mike DiCicco…..Bill Hader
Dave DiCicco…..Matt Dillon
Announcer: UNICORNS. UNICORNS. UNICORNS.
[SUPERIMPOSE drawings and paintings of unicorns with a fairy-tale caption “UNICORNS” underneath. FADE inside the store, where the brothers stand in ’70s-style jackets and loud shirts.]Mike: That’s right, people. Here at DiCicco Brothers Unicornery, we’re up to our asses in unicorns. Ain’t that right, Davey?
Dave: Hey, frickin’ man, that’s right, little Mikey. We got a brand new shipment of these magic little bastards, and they’re sellin’ like hotcakes.
[They step over to a small stall. A pure white pony stands quietly inside with a plastic horn attached to its head.]Mike: Lookit this idiot. Is this thing adorable, or what? His name’s Argonian, he’s five hundred seventy-six years old. Word’s up, evil spirits. Balrogs, elementals, you name it.
Dave: This thing’s just lousy with magic. You got ’em–you got your augurations, you got your transmutations, you got your necromancy. And look at the horn. It’s freakin’ ridiculous!
[Audience snickers as the brothers step over to another stall with a white pony inside.]Mike: What about this dum-dum?
Dave: This here’s Sainteclaire. He’s from the enchanted isle of Winfindel.
[CUT to a closeup of the horned pony as the audience coos softly.]Dave: And y’know what the best part is about this little freakshow?
Mike: What’s that, Davey?
Dave: Is he don’t gotta eat, because he culls his strength from the dreams of children. How d’ya like them apples?
Mike: My daughter’s got THREE of these stupid things. Can’t get enough of ’em. But it keeps her happy, so I don’t give a crap!
[While Mike is talking, the “unicorn” bobs its head and pokes him in the arm with its horn.]Dave: But maybe you live in an apartment, or a condominium. Maybe you don’t need THIS much unicorn.
[As they step over to another stall, the audience fawns and moans over a tiny, white baby pony also adorned with a horn.]Mike: Boom!
Dave: A mini-unicorn.
Mike: Lookit this bag o’ donuts! It’s like I took a unicorn and teeny-sized it. Who would DO that?
Dave: Hey, Mikey. That little freakin’ guy’s so cute, I think I’m gonna buy him myself.
Mike: There goes another one o’ these enchanted morons off the market. So you guys gotta–you guys better get down here quick!
Dave: But that’s not all we got!
Mike: Yeah, we got Pegasi, Gryphons, Halflings, Chimeras, Banshees.
[SUPERIMPOSE varieties at bottom in “My Little Pony” script.]Dave: Gargoyles, Krakens, Gorgons, Hydras.
Mike: So, if you’re into this kinda crap, come on down to DiCicco Brothers. And get a unicorn already!
Dave: That’s DiCicco Brothers Unicornery.
Mike & Dave: [in unison] WE GOT A UNICORN WITH YOUR NAME ON IT! [both point to camera]
[CUT back to storefront as rock music plays.]Announcer: [singing] DiCicco Brothers Unicornery! Off Route 13 in Passaic, New Jersey!!
[SUPERIMPOSE address, then FADE to a bumper slide of Matt Dillon peering between his fingers.]Submitted by: Sean
