SNL Transcripts: Matt Dillon: 03/11/06: DiCicco Brothers Unicornery


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

DiCicco Brothers Unicornery

Mike DiCicco…..Bill Hader
Dave DiCicco…..Matt Dillon

[FADE IN on a storefront with cars parked out front as rock music plays in the background.]


[SUPERIMPOSE drawings and paintings of unicorns with a fairy-tale caption “UNICORNS” underneath. FADE inside the store, where the brothers stand in ’70s-style jackets and loud shirts.]

Mike: That’s right, people. Here at DiCicco Brothers Unicornery, we’re up to our asses in unicorns. Ain’t that right, Davey?

Dave: Hey, frickin’ man, that’s right, little Mikey. We got a brand new shipment of these magic little bastards, and they’re sellin’ like hotcakes.

[They step over to a small stall. A pure white pony stands quietly inside with a plastic horn attached to its head.]

Mike: Lookit this idiot. Is this thing adorable, or what? His name’s Argonian, he’s five hundred seventy-six years old. Word’s up, evil spirits. Balrogs, elementals, you name it.

Dave: This thing’s just lousy with magic. You got ’em–you got your augurations, you got your transmutations, you got your necromancy. And look at the horn. It’s freakin’ ridiculous!

[Audience snickers as the brothers step over to another stall with a white pony inside.]

Mike: What about this dum-dum?

Dave: This here’s Sainteclaire. He’s from the enchanted isle of Winfindel.

[CUT to a closeup of the horned pony as the audience coos softly.]

Dave: And y’know what the best part is about this little freakshow?

Mike: What’s that, Davey?

Dave: Is he don’t gotta eat, because he culls his strength from the dreams of children. How d’ya like them apples?

Mike: My daughter’s got THREE of these stupid things. Can’t get enough of ’em. But it keeps her happy, so I don’t give a crap!

[While Mike is talking, the “unicorn” bobs its head and pokes him in the arm with its horn.]

Dave: But maybe you live in an apartment, or a condominium. Maybe you don’t need THIS much unicorn.

[As they step over to another stall, the audience fawns and moans over a tiny, white baby pony also adorned with a horn.]

Mike: Boom!

Dave: A mini-unicorn.

Mike: Lookit this bag o’ donuts! It’s like I took a unicorn and teeny-sized it. Who would DO that?

Dave: Hey, Mikey. That little freakin’ guy’s so cute, I think I’m gonna buy him myself.

Mike: There goes another one o’ these enchanted morons off the market. So you guys gotta–you guys better get down here quick!

Dave: But that’s not all we got!

Mike: Yeah, we got Pegasi, Gryphons, Halflings, Chimeras, Banshees.

[SUPERIMPOSE varieties at bottom in “My Little Pony” script.]

Dave: Gargoyles, Krakens, Gorgons, Hydras.

Mike: So, if you’re into this kinda crap, come on down to DiCicco Brothers. And get a unicorn already!

Dave: That’s DiCicco Brothers Unicornery.

Mike & Dave: [in unison] WE GOT A UNICORN WITH YOUR NAME ON IT! [both point to camera]

[CUT back to storefront as rock music plays.]

Announcer: [singing] DiCicco Brothers Unicornery! Off Route 13 in Passaic, New Jersey!!

[SUPERIMPOSE address, then FADE to a bumper slide of Matt Dillon peering between his fingers.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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