Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 15
Anderson Cooper 360
Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Rep. Tom Tancredo…..Jason Sudeikis
Vincente Fox…..Antonio Banderas
Cynthia McKinney…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on CNN logo ]
Announcer: This is CNN.[ dissolve to Anderson Cooper 360 logo ] [ dissolve to Anderson Cooper ]
Anderson Cooper: Good evening, I’m Anderson Cooper! If you like your news rugged yet fragile, tough yet sensitive, and with icy blue eyes that say, “Yeah, this is gonna work out,” you’ve come to the right place. Immigration. It’s an issue that has our nation split. The President, John McCain and Bill Frist all unveiled plans this week. But the debate rages on. Joining us now is vocal immigration critic – Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo. Welcome, Congressman.
Rep. Tom Tancredo: Good to be here, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: Congressman, you’ve referred to illegal aliens as a scourge, that threatens the very future of our nation. Pretty strong words.
Rep. Tom Tancredo: Anderson, America needs to start worrying about our jobs. Jobs that are going to illegal aliens Because if we don’t do something fast, one day we’re going to have to look our children in the eyes and say, “I’m sorry, Timmy, but you’re never, ever going to be able to wash dishes at a restaurant.” “And, Tom, Jr., you’re never going to grow up and hand out towels in a men’s room. ” “And, little Jessica, I know it’s your dream to stand at a highway exit and hand out bags of oranges – but it’s not going to happen. Those jobs aren’t available to Americans any more.”
Anderson Cooper: There are, of course, other voices in the immigration debate. Here to discuss the socio-economic values at the heart of the immigration issue – Mexican President vincente Fox.
vincente Fox: Hello, Onderson! [ audience screams their approval ]
Anderson Cooper: Mr. President, you believe that there’s a compromise to be struck on this issue, correct?
vincente Fox: Well, yes, Onderson, I understand that illegal aliens are a serious issue. But, let me put it to you like this: We are neighbors. The good kind. The one who say, “Hello, neighbor!” Remember? You scratch our backs, we buy your cars. Neighbors!
Anderson Cooper: Congressman Tancredo, do you actually think it’s realistic to shut down our borders with Mexico?
vincente Fox: Yes, I do, Anderson. It’s very simple. We’re just going to build a 700-mile long wall across the entire length of the Mexican border.
Anderson Cooper: 700 miles – that’s a very long wall. It sounds like it would be very expensive to build.
vincente Fox: Yeah, you would think so, Anderson, but it’s not. Now, I can’t go into specifics, but, suffice it to say, we’ve found a labor force willing to get the whole job done at about a fifth of the cost. We’re very excited about it. They don’t need healthy insurance, and you just pick them up in the parking lot of the Home Depot.
Anderson Cooper: I see. President Fox?
vincente Fox: Why do you talk about Mexican immigration problem? What about the American immigration problem to my country?
Anderson Cooper: To your country? What do you mean?
vincente Fox: Spring Break? Thousands of young Americans stream into my country every Spring, to places like Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, Tijuana. You suck up our natural resources – yeah, such as tequila and rum punch with free refills if you are wearing the proper party pass. And then, as if to tease us, your women flash their breasts – only to cover them up and take them back to America?! You have the nerve to ask us why we are coming into your country? It is very simple, my friend – we are following the breasts!
Anderson Cooper: A pointed image. Well, immigration wasn’t the only border issue in Washington, D.C. this week. Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney had an altercation with a Capitol Hill police officer, who refused her entry into the Capitol Building, when she refused to show proper identification. Joining us now – Congresswoman McKinney.
Cynthia McKinney: Yeah, thank you, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: So, what exactly happened, Congresswoman?
Cynthia McKinney: Anderson, this was just a big to-do about a hairdo.
Anderson Cooper: Well, let me apologize in advance for this not rhyming – but I think it was a big to-do about you slapping a police officer in the face.
Cynthia McKinney: Anderson, let me ask you this: what black woman in her right mind would want to go into the Capitol if she didn’t have to? I mean, we’re talking about a building full of rich, old, white men, Anderson. It wasn’t like I was trying to get into a Peabo Bryson concert!
Anderson Cooper: But you do admit you weren’t wearing your Congressional pin. There are 535 members of Congress. You can’t expect a police officer to remember all of you.
Cynthia McKinney: Here’s the deal, Anderson Cooper: There’s 535 members of Congress – only 84 of them are black; and only 14 of them are women; and only one of them looks this crazy when she goes walking down the steps. Remember my face!!
Anderson Cooper: So you do admit to slapping the police officer?
Cynthia McKinney: What do you want, Anderson? I apologized already. Do not make me feel like a Mexican trying to cross the border when I go to work! You put a police officer in my way, and I will slap him! If you put that police officer, and he has a dog, I will slap that dog!! I am going to work, Momma’s gettin’ paid!
Anderson Cooper: Interesting take.
Cynthia McKinney: Don’t you sass me, Anderson Cooper! I will slap that Kiehl’s moisturizer off your face, Anderson Cooper!
Anderson Cooper: Well, that’s all the time we have. Coming up next: a very special Lou Dobbs Report, where Lou goes to an Indian restaurant, strips to his waist and offers to take on any waiter who “dares to try it.” And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”