Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 15
M.J. Reynolds…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Reynolds…..Chris Parnell
[open on exterior of bar: “Rascals, tonight karaoke”]
Frank: [singing] …boys were drinking whisky and rye / [dissolve to interior with Frank singing on stage] singing this’ll be the day that I die. / This’ll be the day that I [high note] diii-eee!
M.J.: Yeah! All right. Let’s give it up for Frank, “American Pie.” Slowed it down and sang it twice. For those of you just joining us, I’m M.J. Reynolds. I’m your karaoke host and your guide on this musical journey tonight. [singing] We’re going riding on the freeway of love! [speaking] We gotta get some people up here tonight. I love the sound of my own voice, but tonight I’m here to service you.
[Pam and Paul are sitting together at a table]
Paul: Oh, I’m having such a great time, Pam.
Pam: Me, too, and, uh, well, I have a surprise for you.
M.J.: Okay, next up we have Pam. Pam is on a special date, and she wants to sing a song to her special friend, Paul. Pam, are you ready?
Pam: I’m shy.
M.J.: It’s gonna be a blast.
Pam: But I’m so shy.
M.J.: I’ll help you if you need it.
Pam: Oh, all right. I’d like to try.
Paul: I can’t belive you are doing this. At work, you are so shy!
Pam: I know, I’m shy!
[Pam gets up and walks onto the stage]
M.J.: Okay, come on, let’s give Pam a hand, everybody.
[“Natural Woman” plays]
Pam: [singing] Looking out on the morning rain / I used to feel uninspired. / [Paul touches his heart with his hand] And when I knew I had to face another day…
M.J.: [singing] A-oop.
Pam: [singing] Lord it made me feel so tired. / [with M.J. singing “ooo-ooo-ooo”] Before the day I met you, life was so unkind.
Pam and M.J.: But you’re the key to my piece of mind. / [with M.J. much louder than Pam] ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / [M.J. straddles Paul and does a back-bend] you make me feel like a natural woman. / [M.J. cuddles with Paul and continues to sing much more loudly than Pam] When my soul was in the lost and found, / you came along to claim it. / I did not know just what was wrong with me.
Paul: [singing, as M.J. puts the microphone in front of him] A-oop.
Pam and M.J.: ‘Til your kiss helped me name it.
Pam: Now I’m no longer doubtful of what I’m living for. / [she sings to an old man in the audience] And if you make me happy I don’t need to do more.
[M.J. gives her microphone to Paul and continues to cuddle with him as he stands]
Pam and Paul: ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / you make me feel like a nautural woman.
M.J.: Oh, yeah, all right! Give it up for Pam, everybody. Hot stuff. Hot stuff.
[Pam sits back down with Paul at their table]
Paul: Wow, that was terific.
Pam: I couldn’t tell if you liked it.
Paul: Oh, no, I loved it. And this red-haired lady is very talented, too.
M.J.: Okay, next up, everybody, we have–
Pam: I want to go again. [she gets back on the stage] Number 102. [“Sexual Healing” plays] [singing] Baby, I’m hot just like an oven. / I need your loving. / [M.J. and Paul drink together] And when I get the feeling, / I need sexual healing. [she hits the stereo controls and “Milkshake” plays] [singing] My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, / and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” / Damn right, it’s better than yours. / [M.J. feeds Paul something from his plate] I could teach you, but I’d have to charge. [she hits the stereo controls and “Me So Horny” plays] [singing] Oh, me so horny. / Oh, oh, me so horny. / Ooh, me so horny. / Me love you long time. [M.J. and Paul are kissing] [music ends] [speaking] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! You know what? I knew this was too good to be true. I mean, why would a spicy guy like you go with a white-bread, grilled-cheese sandwich like me, right? Everyone at the office told me you were just going out with me for a green card. But I guess I believed in love! Well, I’m calling INS tomorrow, and you are on a one-way flight back to Paraguay! So go suck an egg, bozo!
Paul: Oh, darling, wait, wait, wait.
M.J.: [getting up on stage] Hey, hey, guys, guys, let’s keep it positive, all right? Karaoke is about fun times with new friends. At least that’s what I tell my husband, right, honey?
Mr. Reynolds: [standing at the back of the room] Screw you, Mary Anne.
Paul: Pam, please, let me make it up to you. I want to sing a special song. The song that was playing the first time Pam and I made love. [“Take Me Out” plays] [singing] Take me out to the ballgame. / Take me out with the crowd.
Pam: We had sex in the bathroom at a Mets game.
Paul and Pam: [singing] Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Pam: I can’t stay mad at him!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93