Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Chad Michael Murray…..Will Forte
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.
The Senate on Thursday failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain. While those who have been here between two and five years would have to leave but could return as guest workers, and immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees.
Former House majority leader Tom Delay, still embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said Monday that he will not run for re-election and will leave Congress in a few months. Delay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most – slapping ice-cream cones out of children’s hands.
Before saying goodbye to one of America’s most powerful Congressmen, let’s take a look back at Tom Delay’s journey through Congress.
(a brief video montage plays to the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter)
(at the end of the montage the “American Idol” intro is heard)
Tina Fey: Remember, America, you have to vote for your favorites to keep them around! Back to you, Amy.
Amy Poehler: President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinatti’s Great American Ballpark. Eighteen Iraqis were killed.
According to Washington insiders, White House press secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he’d like to spend more time lying for his family.
Tina Fey: It was announced this week that “Today Show” host Katie Couric will anchor the CBS Evening News starting this fall. Here with a comment, is former CBS Evening News anchor, Dan Rather.
(pan to Dan Rather, applause)
Dan Rather: Well, Tina, when my good friend Sean McManus, the president of CBS News, called me up and told me he named Katie Couric as my permanent replacement, I must have laughed for five minutes. And then he said, “I’m serious”, and I laughed for another five minutes, because Sean McManus is quite a prankster. That when he finally convinced me that he had indeed hired Katie Couric, I said, “Delightful.” Some in the boys’ club known as network news might be reluctant to accept this perky young gal, but not this old news hound, who made his bones in the trenches of Vietnam and in ’63 was the first person to report on that frightful day in Dallas. I have nothing but admiration for miss Couric. What some of my colleagues might be forgetting is the report she did just recently, on how to party hardy at your prom for only pennies. (pause) Buddy, that was a biggie. I’m anxious to see her bring the acumen she received from morning news to reach a new audience with her investigative look, into the diversity of cooking with a bell pepper. Mm mm, good.
Tina Fey: So, do you think it will be a big adjustment going from the Today Show to Nightly News?
Dan Rather: Might be a few speed bumps at the start. When challenged by something as dry as the immigration bill, she’ll wish she could still batter with Matt Lauer, her co-host of twelve years, and the type of man we used to call “pretty”. But don’t forget, folks, Katie is tough as nails, and the Today Show is a news program. Just look who they chose to replace miss Couric, none other than Meredith Vieira, the smart as a whip co-host from the ladies’ think tank known as The View. And need I remind you, I worked with Meredith over at 60 Minutes, and although she couldn’t cut it there, I think she’ll be a valuable asset to the Today Show. Actually, Tina, I’m surprised they didn’t ask one of you lovely ladies to take over for Katie.
Amy Poehler: Oh, they asked me to do it, and I was thinking about it.
Tina Fey: Yeah, they asked me too but I said there was no way I was gonna let Amy do it.
Dan Rather: Well, in conclusion, I wish Katie Couric the best of luck at that network, or the network that served me so well, and if I could ask a special favour, from one news anchor to another, I’d be happier than an Indian drowning in fire water if you could have the band Rascal Flatts on your Nightly News Summer Concert series. Dan Rather, good night.
Tina Fey: Dan Rather, everybody.
Amy Poehler: A new study says that sexually charged music, magazines, TV and movies push youngsters into intercourse at an earlier age. Also pushing youngster into intercourse, me.
Tina Fey: Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina have proposed bills that would outlaw “hog dogging”, which is an event where a dog viciously attacks a wild hog in a fenced-in area. This Sunday on NBC Sports.
View co-host Meredith Vieira will reportedly be paid 40 million dollars to replace Katie Couric on the Today Show. Getting out of Star Jones’ perfume/fart cloud? Priceless. Congratulations Meredith, you’re out.
Amy Poehler: Police in Los Angeles are investigating a report by Paula Abdul, that a man slammed her into a wall during an argument at a party, giving her a concussion. Doctors became concerned when Abdul began speaking clearly and making sense.
Tina Fey: In a recent interview, Tom Cruise revealed his prorities for the summer, saying, (imitating Tom Cruise) “First, the baby. Then, the film. Then, in the summer we want to get married. Then, we’re gonna eat the baby.”
Amy Poehler: Barbara Walters is denying a London Times claim that she tap danced as a child under the name Babs Elliott, saying, “That’s just an urban myth.” Although she did admit to doing porno in the ’70s, under the name Lispy Canyons.
Tina Fey: In, uh, in entertainment news this week, Chad Michael Murray announced that he is engaged to Kenzie Dalton, and 18-year-old extra from the hit WB show One Tree Hill. This comes after just a five month marriage to Sophia Bush, another co-star from One Tree Hill. Here to talk about his love life, is Chad Michael Murray.
(pan to Chad Michael Murray, applause)
Chad Michael Murray: Whazzup?
Amy Poehler: Wow, wow. Chad Michael Murray, you look really good tonight.
Chad Michael Murray: Thanks, Amy. I know.
Amy Poehler: Hey, oh, and can I just say that I love One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: You’ve never seen One Tree Hill!
Amy Poehler: (to Tina) Schh, quiet.
Tina Fey: So, okay, so Chad–
Chad Michael Murray: (interrupts) Michael Murray, Tina.
Tina Fey: Okay, so Chad Michael Murray, this is the second woman in a year that you’ve worked with that you’ve asked to marry you.
Chad Michael Murray: I assure you that is a coincidence. You know, I’m not gonna let the fact that I work with these people get in the way of how much I love them.
Tina Fey: Okay, well that, that sort of makes sense, I guess. Sure.
Chad Michael Murray: I know it does, Tina. Because I’m Chad Michael Murray. Now, uh, will you marry me?
Tina Fey: No, what? No.
Chad Michael Murray: Ha ha. That’s strange. Must people I work with tend to want to marry me. Okay, what about you, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely!
Tina Fey: Amy, you’re married.
Amy Poehler: To a Canadian! This is Chad Michael Murray.
Tina Fey: But you’re already married!
Amy Poehler: My husband will understand. Chad Michael Murray is a celebrity I’m allowed to leave him for.
Tina Fey: What celebrity can he leave you for?
Amy Poehler: Chad Michael Murray.
Chad Michael Murray: What can I say, Tina.
Tina Fey: Well, you’re getting married to a Kenzie Dalton, is that right?
Chad Michael Murray: Ah, and I love her so much. I mean, she is the one. She is… one of the ones.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute, she- she’s “one of the ones”?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, you know, there are a lot of people at One Tree Hill, you know, uh… (shows his hands from underneith the desk, completely covered with rings) This is Donna (points to a ring) from craft services, you know. I love her. She’s my sun and my moon, she’s everything to me. This is Tia (points to another ring), the production designer, she is my Saturn, she’s my Jupiter. This is Brenda (points to another ring), she does hair or make up, one of those. I love her. Ah, she is like the rays around Saturn.
Tina Fey: Okay, we get it, yeah. Is there anyone you’re not married to from your show?
Chad Michael Murray: Sophia Bush. I am currently divorced from her, but I am keeping the ring because I think there’s a good chance I might marry her again. So, yeah, but this entire hand is from One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: Who’s on the other hand?
Chad Michael Murray: Oh yeah, well I did a movie last summer, so.
Tina Fey: So that’s a lot of rings. What happens if you do another movie?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, I’ll start on the toes. And then after my feet are filled, I have a pretty good idea of where I’ll go next.
Tina Fey: Euw.
Chad Michael Murray: My penis, Tina.
Tina Fey: Yeah, I got it! Yeah, double euw. Chad Michael Murray, everyone. The boring guy from Freaky Friday.
Amy Poehler: This coming Wednesday marks the first night of the Jewish holiday of passover, so if you see a doorway smeared with blood, don’t be alarmed, it just means the Angel of Death is coming to kill Egyptian children.
Tina Fey: On Tuesday, Coke is launching Coca-Cola Blak, which is a soda that blends Coke, natural flavors and coffee essence. Just like your garbage disposal.
Scientists have discovered a fossile of a 375 million year-old fish with a reptilian jaw and a swivelling neck that they say is a long-sought missing link between fish and walking land creatures. Disturbingly, they found it in a Red Lobster fried seafood platter.
According to a new study, migrating tree frogs are responsible for- (a knock is heard)
Amy Poehler: Oh, oh Tina, someone’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Wow, that hasn’t happened in a long time, lets see.
(Chris Kattan walks in)
Tina Fey: Oh, hey, it’s Chris Kattan, everybody!
(Tina returns to her chair, with Kattan standing in between them)
Tina Fey: Nice to see you.
Chris Kattan: Hi, hi Amy. Hi, Tina.
Tina Fey: What, Chris, are you mad at me about something?
Chris Kattan: Yeah, no, yeah, I’m a little bit mad that no one called me when Antonio Banderas was hosting. I mean, did like, all of a sudden we all forgot that Antonio Banderas was like my most famous character? Ever?
Tina Fey: Really? It wasn’t Mango?
Chris Kattan: Which one was Mango? The one with the apple?
Amy Poehler: No, no! That was mr. Peepers!
Chris Kattan: Oh, was that the one with the, the pink swastika?
Tina Fey: No, that was Gay Hitler.
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah, Gay Hitler!
(they all start laughing)
Chris Kattan: That was so funny, I remember Gay Hitler! (imitating Tina Fey) “Gay Hitler, everybody everybody!” That was relly good stuff, I remember that. (he stops laughing) No, but seriously, you guys are jerks.
Tina Fey: Well, you know, Chris, with all due respect, I don’t think that Antonio Banderas scene was a popular as you remember.
Chris Kattan: WHAT?! Oh my God!
Amy Poehler: You know, Chris, people have been watching Antonio all night. Are you sure that your impression will hold up to that kind of scrutiny?
Chris Kattan: No, I don’t think it will. But I’m gonna do it anyway, Amy.(Mexican guitar-playing is heard)
Chris Kattan: (turns to camera, imitating Antonio Banderas) Hello. I am Antonio… y Banderas. I am… (zips the top of his shirt open to reveal some chest) actor. Welcome to the… how do you say? Ah yes, show.
Tina Fey: (with a Mexican accent) Ah, he’s too sexy! He’s too sexy, my friend!
Chris Kattan: Oh, thank you so much.
Amy Poehler: Chris Kattan everybody!
Chris Kattan: You cannot have the mango! (smacks his own butt)
Amy Poehler: Yay!
Chris Kattan: Haha, that was a good one too!
(Tina hands him an apple)
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah! (starts eating the apple sloppily)
Amy Poehler: Ah, mr. Peepers! For Weekend Update, I’m a Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted by: Maria Hartman