SNL Transcripts: Antonio Banderas: 04/08/06: Wine Enthusiasts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Wine Enthusiasts

Written by: Bryan Tucker, with Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler

Copeland…..Chris Parnell
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Roberto…..Antonio Banderas

[open on dining room with three people seated]

Copeland: And here is the St. Esplanade cabernet.

[they sip and make appreciative sounds, and also chuckle continually in response to the others’ comments]

Woman: Oh, this is a big red.

Copeland: It’s too big.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: Enormous.

Woman: Let’s pull out something a little lighter. Any requests, Roberto?

Roberto: A merlot?

Copeland: That’s fine.

Woman: Yes, merlot, slumming it.

[they chuckle] [the woman sets out three glasses, Copeland pours the wine, and they all smell it]

Roberto: Oh, she is ambitious. Is anyone getting a bit of aftershave lotion?

Copeland: Perhaps. And maybe a hint of snow, and electronics?

Woman: Yes, and a ship’s hull?

Roberto: Of course, usually I think of a merlot as a dirty whore who sweats on my bed and leave my bathroom floor stained with vomit, [he sips] but this wine is a date you could take to meet your family.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: If they were still speaking to you. Wonderful.

Woman: Wonderful.

Copeland: Roberto, have you found a place to live?

Roberto: Yes, I have. It’s a fantastic situation, really. I now live with an old woman in her dead son’s bedroom. It is free as long as I answer to the name Marty.

Copeland: Oh, wonderful.

Woman: [sets out three more glasses] You know what else is wonderful? You have got to try this zin.

Copeland: [pouring the wine] You know, I find that zinfandel has a seductive character that says, [he puts his finger to his lips] “Shh! Let’s not talk.”

Woman: I agree, Copeland. This is very chewey. [they all smell the wine] Mmm, what is that? Ooh, it’s making me nostalgic. What is that?

Copeland: Oh, oh, I know. The last time we had this vintage, I had a gun in my mouth.

Woman: That’s right. And I was holding that gun in your mouth.

Roberto: Yes, gun-metal. That’s what I’m getting.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: What a night.

Woman: Wow. Oh, Roberto, we have a surprise for you.

Roberto: Oh, I’m getting so excited, I’m going to wet my pants. [Copeland produces a very large bottle] Oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, my God!

[the woman sets out three glasses the size of fishbowls]

Copeland: This is a bottle we stole from a tomb in Prague. We actually don’t know what it is.

Woman: Yes, it was during our whole grave-robbing phase. Do you remember that, Copeland?

Copeland: [pouring the wine] No, I do not remember any of it.

Woman: Okay, who’s ready? Let’s really get into this, guys, okay? [they all take a deep breach and put their faces into the glasses to smell the wine] Okay, here we go.

[after a few moments, each lifts his or her head to talk, and all of their faces are stained with wine]

Roberto: This is mysterious. Do I detect swordplay?

Copeland: Yes, yes, and treason?

Woman: Is anyone getting werewolves?

Copeland: Arresting, don’t you think, Roberto?

Roberto: Well, it sounds great, but it tastes horrendous. It is like a woman who is only attractive from the back.

Woman: Absolutely. Yes, Copeland, and yes, Roberto.

[they continue to swoon over the glasses]

Roberto: Shall we make love?

Copeland: Ooh.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: That’s a fantastic idea.

Woman: In the glasses?

Roberto: Why not?

[they begin to undress] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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