Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 15
Written by: Bryan Tucker, with Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler
[open on dining room with three people seated]
Copeland: And here is the St. Esplanade cabernet.[they sip and make appreciative sounds, and also chuckle continually in response to the others’ comments]
Woman: Oh, this is a big red.
Copeland: It’s too big.
Woman: Let’s pull out something a little lighter. Any requests, Roberto?
Roberto: A merlot?
Copeland: That’s fine.
Woman: Yes, merlot, slumming it.
Roberto: Oh, she is ambitious. Is anyone getting a bit of aftershave lotion?
Copeland: Perhaps. And maybe a hint of snow, and electronics?
Woman: Yes, and a ship’s hull?
Roberto: Of course, usually I think of a merlot as a dirty whore who sweats on my bed and leave my bathroom floor stained with vomit, [he sips] but this wine is a date you could take to meet your family.
Copeland: If they were still speaking to you. Wonderful.
Copeland: Roberto, have you found a place to live?
Roberto: Yes, I have. It’s a fantastic situation, really. I now live with an old woman in her dead son’s bedroom. It is free as long as I answer to the name Marty.
Copeland: Oh, wonderful.
Woman: [sets out three more glasses] You know what else is wonderful? You have got to try this zin.
Copeland: [pouring the wine] You know, I find that zinfandel has a seductive character that says, [he puts his finger to his lips] “Shh! Let’s not talk.”
Woman: I agree, Copeland. This is very chewey. [they all smell the wine] Mmm, what is that? Ooh, it’s making me nostalgic. What is that?
Copeland: Oh, oh, I know. The last time we had this vintage, I had a gun in my mouth.
Woman: That’s right. And I was holding that gun in your mouth.
Roberto: Yes, gun-metal. That’s what I’m getting.
Copeland: What a night.
Woman: Wow. Oh, Roberto, we have a surprise for you.
Roberto: Oh, I’m getting so excited, I’m going to wet my pants. [Copeland produces a very large bottle] Oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, my God![the woman sets out three glasses the size of fishbowls]
Copeland: This is a bottle we stole from a tomb in Prague. We actually don’t know what it is.
Woman: Yes, it was during our whole grave-robbing phase. Do you remember that, Copeland?
Copeland: [pouring the wine] No, I do not remember any of it.
Woman: Okay, who’s ready? Let’s really get into this, guys, okay? [they all take a deep breach and put their faces into the glasses to smell the wine] Okay, here we go.[after a few moments, each lifts his or her head to talk, and all of their faces are stained with wine]
Roberto: This is mysterious. Do I detect swordplay?
Copeland: Yes, yes, and treason?
Woman: Is anyone getting werewolves?
Copeland: Arresting, don’t you think, Roberto?
Roberto: Well, it sounds great, but it tastes horrendous. It is like a woman who is only attractive from the back.
Woman: Absolutely. Yes, Copeland, and yes, Roberto.[they continue to swoon over the glasses]
Roberto: Shall we make love?
Copeland: That’s a fantastic idea.
Woman: In the glasses?
Roberto: Why not?[they begin to undress] [fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93