SNL Transcripts: Antonio Banderas: 04/08/06: Wine Enthusiasts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 15

05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Wine Enthusiasts

Written by: Bryan Tucker, with Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler

Copeland…..Chris Parnell
Woman…..Amy Poehler
Roberto…..Antonio Banderas

[open on dining room with three people seated]

Copeland: And here is the St. Esplanade cabernet.

[they sip and make appreciative sounds, and also chuckle continually in response to the others’ comments]

Woman: Oh, this is a big red.

Copeland: It’s too big.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: Enormous.

Woman: Let’s pull out something a little lighter. Any requests, Roberto?

Roberto: A merlot?

Copeland: That’s fine.

Woman: Yes, merlot, slumming it.

[they chuckle] [the woman sets out three glasses, Copeland pours the wine, and they all smell it]

Roberto: Oh, she is ambitious. Is anyone getting a bit of aftershave lotion?

Copeland: Perhaps. And maybe a hint of snow, and electronics?

Woman: Yes, and a ship’s hull?

Roberto: Of course, usually I think of a merlot as a dirty whore who sweats on my bed and leave my bathroom floor stained with vomit, [he sips] but this wine is a date you could take to meet your family.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: If they were still speaking to you. Wonderful.

Woman: Wonderful.

Copeland: Roberto, have you found a place to live?

Roberto: Yes, I have. It’s a fantastic situation, really. I now live with an old woman in her dead son’s bedroom. It is free as long as I answer to the name Marty.

Copeland: Oh, wonderful.

Woman: [sets out three more glasses] You know what else is wonderful? You have got to try this zin.

Copeland: [pouring the wine] You know, I find that zinfandel has a seductive character that says, [he puts his finger to his lips] “Shh! Let’s not talk.”

Woman: I agree, Copeland. This is very chewey. [they all smell the wine] Mmm, what is that? Ooh, it’s making me nostalgic. What is that?

Copeland: Oh, oh, I know. The last time we had this vintage, I had a gun in my mouth.

Woman: That’s right. And I was holding that gun in your mouth.

Roberto: Yes, gun-metal. That’s what I’m getting.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: What a night.

Woman: Wow. Oh, Roberto, we have a surprise for you.

Roberto: Oh, I’m getting so excited, I’m going to wet my pants. [Copeland produces a very large bottle] Oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, my God!

[the woman sets out three glasses the size of fishbowls]

Copeland: This is a bottle we stole from a tomb in Prague. We actually don’t know what it is.

Woman: Yes, it was during our whole grave-robbing phase. Do you remember that, Copeland?

Copeland: [pouring the wine] No, I do not remember any of it.

Woman: Okay, who’s ready? Let’s really get into this, guys, okay? [they all take a deep breach and put their faces into the glasses to smell the wine] Okay, here we go.

[after a few moments, each lifts his or her head to talk, and all of their faces are stained with wine]

Roberto: This is mysterious. Do I detect swordplay?

Copeland: Yes, yes, and treason?

Woman: Is anyone getting werewolves?

Copeland: Arresting, don’t you think, Roberto?

Roberto: Well, it sounds great, but it tastes horrendous. It is like a woman who is only attractive from the back.

Woman: Absolutely. Yes, Copeland, and yes, Roberto.

[they continue to swoon over the glasses]

Roberto: Shall we make love?

Copeland: Ooh.

Woman: Yes.

Copeland: That’s a fantastic idea.

Woman: In the glasses?

Roberto: Why not?

[they begin to undress] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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