Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 15
Zorro/Antonio Banderas….Antonio Banderas
Catherine Zeta Jones….Amy Poehler
(Opens with an action scene in progress from “The Legend of Zorro” on a Mexican villa movie set, fountain in the middle, Zorro and Ms.Zeta Jones character sword fight with the bad guys. Zorro punches guy, Ms.Zeta Jones strikes guy with sword, Zorro strikes guy with sword. Ms. Zeta Jones and Zorro are back to back.)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi Amor!! You did it! You saved California!
Antonio/Zorro: No, we saved California!
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh!(Leans for a kiss, Antonio signals no and pulls away)
Gary: And…Cut! All right, all right. Nice job, nice job. Excellent, excellent.
Antonio Banderas: Thank you everyone. I´m afraid I cannot continue with this scene so at this time I bid you adieu. I´ll be in my chair.(Walks off set)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: OK, what´s going on Gary? What happened to the kiss?
Gary: OK, uh, how do I say this? Umm, Antonio is really freaked out about germs and this avian bird flu thing.
Antonio: Yeah, and herpes too!
Gary: Yeah, that´s right and herpes too.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, I don´t have herpes.
Gary: Look, I´m pretty sure you don´t. But this agent is threatening to pull him from the picture if he has to do any kissing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: This is crazy!
Gary: I know!! Right!?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Antonio won´t kiss me because he thinks I have the bird flu?
Gary: “A” I´m not here to judge anybody. “B” What you did in Asia with birds is your business. And “C” some of my best friends have herpes.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I don´t have herpes!
Gary: Whatever, look don´t worry. We have a great stand-in and he looks just like Antonio.
(Next to Antonio poses a fat guy practicing sword movements dressed like Zorro, Antonio gets up and introduces the guy)
Antonio Banderas: Everyone, it is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you my cousin/stand-in, Miguelito. Miguelito, this is Catherine.
Miguelito: It is an honor to meet you miss Catherine Zeta “Hones”. (Checks her out)And may I say you have a lovely set of “Hones”!
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Excuse me. Are you talking about my chest?
Antonio Banderas: Uh-huh, you have trouble understanding the language of amore, miss “Hones”. What he meant to say is you have very lovely “tetas”. (tits)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, gross!
Gary: Hey!, can we please be professional, Catherine?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: What!?
Gary: (mocking) What?! OK, everybody quiet on the set and let´s roll sound!
Antonio Banderas: And I will sit here and stare at you guys make out big time. (Sits next to Gary)
AD: “Legend of Zorro” Scene 48, take one. (Clack!)
Gary: And, Action!
(On set, Catherine and Miguelito back to back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi amor! You did it! You saved California!
Miguelito: No problemo! I did it for you! So we could kiss like 2 giraffes sucking the milk out of a coconut! (Tires to aggressively kiss her, Ms. Zeta Jones pulls back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, OK cut! That´s not the line! Can we cut?
Antonio Banderas: No,no,no. Perfecto! Great acting, Miguelito! Good, good, good.
Gary: Yeah, Catherine, what´s wrong? That was going great.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, it wasn´t! Where did you get this guy, Gary? He´s horrible!
Antonio Banderas: I found him passed out in my jacuzzi.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I thought you said he was your cousin.
Antonio Banderas: Well, he´s like a cousin to me.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, he smells like a corpse.
Antonio Banderas: Don´t worry about that. Miguelito get on top of her and do the tonguey-tonguey thing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am seriously going to throw up.
Miguelito: What a beautiful coincidence, my love! I threw up not 5 minutes ago! (Bows) Word to the wise! Stay away from the fish and bean chalupas. Is…not so good.
Gary: Awesome, awesome. All right, let´s do…what did Fellini called it? “Face intercourse”.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, shut up, Gary!
Gary: You know what? You´re right Catherine. I´m really sorry about this…KISS HER NOW, MIGUELITO!!!
Antonio Banderas: YEAH, KISS HER!!
Gary: GET HER!!
(Miguelito tries once more but Catherine pushes away hard)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, you didn´t even say the line!! Please!!
Gary: Ok, all right everyone! That´s lunch. Back in an hour. Fish and bean chalupas are in Miguelito´s trailer. So get those while they´re there. Let´s do that.
(Catherine discusses with Antonio)
(Cheers and Applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel