SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 04/15/06



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 2006

Lindsay Lohan

Pearl Jam

None

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

Liz Cackowski

Jorma Taccone
The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O’Donnell.

MontageNote: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).

First Hosted: 03r.

Neutrogena Coin Slot CreamSummary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack.

Transcript

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.

The O’Reilly FactorRecurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.

Le RendezvousSummary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats!”, in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats’ mouthes.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “World Wide Suicide”First Performed: 91q.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman.

Transcript

Pearl Jam performs “Severed Hand”

Turner Classic Movies: Movie ArchivesSummary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.”

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.

Monday Morning AssemblySummary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.

CarlSummary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).

The RestaurantSummary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

MortgageSummary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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