Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 16
05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam
[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvousrestaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share atable. They have just finished dinner. A blondewaitress brings dessert]
Waitress: Ok, here it is….you asked for it. Oursignature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.[Puts dessert on the table. “Ohh’s” and “Aahh’s” fromthe couples at the table]
Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]
Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, myGod, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!
Fred: Is it good?
Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!
Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite andstarts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow,meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand onthe table]
Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite,throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points tothe dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!
Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a littlebit though, I shouldn’t….[takes a bite, getsup]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sitsback down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.
Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. Ithink I died and gone to chocolate heaven!
Fred: Get it out of here, get it out—I don’t want it.
Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets upand swings her purse over her head and throws itaway]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!![They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]
Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!
Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?
Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?
Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What isthat? What’s inside that cake?
Jason: It’s so good.
Lindsay: This cake is like—what is it? A hot browniebatter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]
Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.
Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.
Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I’ve gone blind! Thechocolate made me go blind! I can’t see a thing!
Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh,God! You know what? You know what? I gotta saythis—[starts to break the plates over his head]Youknow what? That’s what I say! It’s unbelievable!
Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God!There’s ice cream down there!
Jason: ICE CREAM!
Fred: ICE CREAM![Dig into the deseert with their hands, their facesare dirty with chocolate]
Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabswaiter by the neck]What’d you feed me?!
Waiter: Get your hands—[gets put on a headlock andpunched in the face 3 times]
Jason: GET OUT OF HERE![They are now growling around the table, a mess ofchocolate all over the table, faces all filthy withchocolate stains]
Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STANDBACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST ISMINE![crazed screams]
Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation,licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh,yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]
Waitress: Are you guys done with this?
Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!
Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]
Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!!It’s too good![breaks a chair in a customer’s back] Too good!!
Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles himaround]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams himinto the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]
Waitress: Can I—can I get anybody anything else?
Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.
Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]
Jason: Thank you.
Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You’ve got a little something.
Jason: Where? Up here?
Jason: Over here?
Rachel: Right there.[points]
Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches necktrying to find the stain] [Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel