SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 04/15/06: Le Rendezvous



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16



05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Le Rendezvous

Lindsay….Lindsay Lohan
Fred….Fred Armisen
Rachel….Rachel Dratch
Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Waitress….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvousrestaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share atable. They have just finished dinner. A blondewaitress brings dessert]

Waitress: Ok, here it is….you asked for it. Oursignature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.

[Puts dessert on the table. “Ohh’s” and “Aahh’s” fromthe couples at the table]

Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.

[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]

Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, myGod, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!

Fred: Is it good?

Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!

Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite andstarts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow,meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand onthe table]

Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite,throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points tothe dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!

Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a littlebit though, I shouldn’t….[takes a bite, getsup]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sitsback down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.

Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. Ithink I died and gone to chocolate heaven!

Fred: Get it out of here, get it out—I don’t want it.

Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets upand swings her purse over her head and throws itaway]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!!

[They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]

Fred: Ooohh.

Jason: Yeah!

Lindsay: Mmmm-mmm.

Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!

Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?

Jason:Mmmm-mmmm.

Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?

Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What isthat? What’s inside that cake?

Jason: It’s so good.

Lindsay: This cake is like—what is it? A hot browniebatter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]

Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.

Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.

Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I’ve gone blind! Thechocolate made me go blind! I can’t see a thing!

Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh,God! You know what? You know what? I gotta saythis—[starts to break the plates over his head]Youknow what? That’s what I say! It’s unbelievable!

Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God!There’s ice cream down there!

Jason: ICE CREAM!

Fred: ICE CREAM!

[Dig into the deseert with their hands, their facesare dirty with chocolate]

Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabswaiter by the neck]What’d you feed me?!

Waiter: Get your hands—[gets put on a headlock andpunched in the face 3 times]

Jason: GET OUT OF HERE!

[They are now growling around the table, a mess ofchocolate all over the table, faces all filthy withchocolate stains]

Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STANDBACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST ISMINE![crazed screams]

Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation,licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh,yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]

Waitress: Are you guys done with this?

[The foursome growl and give primal screams to thewaitress, she flees in terror]

Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!

Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]

Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!!It’s too good![breaks a chair in a customer’s back] Too good!!

Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles himaround]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams himinto the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]

Waitress: Can I—can I get anybody anything else?

Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.

Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]

Jason: Thank you.

Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You’ve got a little something.

Jason: Where? Up here?

Fred:[normal]No, down.

Jason: Over here?

Rachel: Right there.[points]

Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches necktrying to find the stain] [Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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