SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 04/15/06: Le Rendezvous



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16



05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Le Rendezvous

Lindsay….Lindsay Lohan
Fred….Fred Armisen
Rachel….Rachel Dratch
Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Waitress….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvousrestaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share atable. They have just finished dinner. A blondewaitress brings dessert]

Waitress: Ok, here it is….you asked for it. Oursignature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.

[Puts dessert on the table. “Ohh’s” and “Aahh’s” fromthe couples at the table]

Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.

[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]

Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, myGod, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!

Fred: Is it good?

Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!

Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite andstarts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow,meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand onthe table]

Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite,throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points tothe dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!

Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a littlebit though, I shouldn’t….[takes a bite, getsup]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sitsback down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.

Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. Ithink I died and gone to chocolate heaven!

Fred: Get it out of here, get it out—I don’t want it.

Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets upand swings her purse over her head and throws itaway]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!!

[They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]

Fred: Ooohh.

Jason: Yeah!

Lindsay: Mmmm-mmm.

Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!

Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?

Jason:Mmmm-mmmm.

Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?

Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What isthat? What’s inside that cake?

Jason: It’s so good.

Lindsay: This cake is like—what is it? A hot browniebatter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]

Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.

Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.

Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I’ve gone blind! Thechocolate made me go blind! I can’t see a thing!

Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh,God! You know what? You know what? I gotta saythis—[starts to break the plates over his head]Youknow what? That’s what I say! It’s unbelievable!

Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God!There’s ice cream down there!

Jason: ICE CREAM!

Fred: ICE CREAM!

[Dig into the deseert with their hands, their facesare dirty with chocolate]

Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabswaiter by the neck]What’d you feed me?!

Waiter: Get your hands—[gets put on a headlock andpunched in the face 3 times]

Jason: GET OUT OF HERE!

[They are now growling around the table, a mess ofchocolate all over the table, faces all filthy withchocolate stains]

Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STANDBACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST ISMINE![crazed screams]

Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation,licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh,yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]

Waitress: Are you guys done with this?

[The foursome growl and give primal screams to thewaitress, she flees in terror]

Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!

Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]

Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!!It’s too good![breaks a chair in a customer’s back] Too good!!

Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles himaround]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams himinto the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]

Waitress: Can I—can I get anybody anything else?

Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.

Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]

Jason: Thank you.

Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You’ve got a little something.

Jason: Where? Up here?

Fred:[normal]No, down.

Jason: Over here?

Rachel: Right there.[points]

Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches necktrying to find the stain] [Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of