Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 16
05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam
Introverts’ Night Out
Young guy 1….Bill Hader
Young guy 2….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a Sports Bar. Ultra-nerd Neil with hisvest, tie and eyeglasses. Jean with grandma clothes,outdated hairdo. Sally is similar to Jean but a littlebetter-looking, eyeglasses. They stand at the entranceof the pub]
Neil: Here we are.
Jean: I can’t tell you how long its been since I’vebeen to a bar. Certainly a matter of years, quitepossibly 3 quarters of a decade.
Sally: Yeah, you know we always talk about going foran after work drink and I’m just…I’m really excitedwe’re actually doing it. This is thrilling.
Neil: I think is important as co-workers to get a feelfor the others outside of work and in that way I thinkit helps develop a better work atmosphere.
Jean: You know, I can’t recall the last time I wentout socially period. And I am counting high school.
Neil: I hate to trump you but I did go out a fair dealin high school which helped me cut my teeth socially.You know, various sock hops, mandatory field trips anda few wild errands.
Jean: Well I too am happy that we did this. Hey look,an open table. I wonder who we ask about uh, this table?[Empty table in front of them]
Neil: Do you, uh, see a host or hostess? Some sort ofmaitre d’? And whose name should we give them?
Sally: Uh, guys, I’m gonna take mine out of therunning because mine’s often misspelled.
Neil: I’m gonna take mine out too. I’m imagining thereare more than a few Neils in here.
Sally: Hmm, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we make up aname and give it to them? That could be kind of fun.
Jean: What if to claim our table you’re required toshow some sort of identification card?
Sally: Jean, I guess I didn’t think it through, Jean.
Neil: None of us did, Sally. None of us did. Maybe we should just leave.
Waitress: You guys can sit wherever you want.
Jean: Thank you.
Neil: Oh, ok.
Sally: All right.
Jean: There’s this table here that we’ve just beentalking about, in the interim I’ve noticed anothertable towards the back has opened up, Oh, ok, it’s gone. Someone took that one. Ok.
Neil: Maybe just go with the original table then? It’sfairly clean. Doesn’t look to be a wobbler. All in favor?
Neil: All opposed?[Silence]
Jean: All right. Then the original table it is. [Twoyoung guys with beers take the table in front of trio]Someone took that table as well. I guess you gottahave some hot feet around here.
Sally: Ha, ha, ha. Funny. You’re funny, Jean.
Neil: What say we head to the bar? Uh, I hope stoolseating is all right for you ladies. Its not myfavorite due to a lack of back support. But, uh, whatever.[The trio moves to the bar]
Sally: Speaking of back support, my new office chairhas really helped out my lumbar region.
Jean: I didn’t know you had back problems Sally.
Sally: Well I do. I really, really do.
Neil: What do you say we get a drink?
Jean: Good idea. Now is everyone here is gonna getsomething with alcohol?
Sally: I’d better not. You know, I took an Aleveyesterday for a sandal-related foot cramp and I don’tknow if its in my system or not.
Neil: I didn’t know you wear sandals Sally.
Sally: Well I don’t. I don’t, I don’t wear them towork. I only wear them on vacation, you know, weekends.
Jean: Well, that explains it.
Neil: I’m going to have a chardonnay.
Jean: Make it two. And I’ll have mine with a couple of ice cubes.
Sally: Oh, mess it. Make it three.
Jean: Sally, are you sure?
Sally: You heard me. Sometimes you just got to say”oh, what the mess”!.[Bowl of peanuts on the bar]
Jean: Oh,look, hello? Someone left their peanuts here on the bar.
Sally: What a waste of peanuts. Why do they orderpeanuts if they’re not going to finish them?
Jean: That’s America, Sally. Plain and simple. Its a problem.[Bartender appears]
Neil: Excuse me. Three chardonnays, please. Twowithout ice. Jean, Sally, the drinks should be here really soon.
Jean: I’m excited.[Close-up on the clock. Time passes]
Jean: So, how is this going to work?
Neil: Well, I would start by kissing Sally about herlips, neck and sternum. And Jean, you would take offmy pants while I remove both of your stockings with mymouth. From there I would proceed….[Close-up on theclock, more time passes]….and then we will eachremove our native American headdresses then all showertogether. Remove the tape from the camera, rewind itand look back fondly on the sensual unprotectedjourney we have taken.
Jean: I think that sounds really nice.
Sally: You know, I got to say I’m really excited aboutmaking strange love to the two of you tonight.
Neil: We should probably get out of here. Shall wecarpool or each take our separate cars, or–?
Sally: Well, do you think its safe to leave our carshere, you know, overnight?
Jean: You know, i said it before and I’ll say itagain. That’s America. Its a problem.[Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
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