Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 16
An SNL Digital Short: Laser Cats
Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg
Admiral Spaceship/Himself….Andy Samberg
Princess Double…..Rachel Dratch
Bill Hader: Lorne, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk. You will not be sorry!
Lorne Michaels: I’m sure, what’s up?
Andy Samberg: Bill and I stayed up all night brainstorming, and we decided that there are two things that everyone loves!
Bill Hader: Cats and lasers!
Andy Samberg: Thats right! Cats and lasers![ Cut to Lorne looking a bit skeptical.]
Andy Samberg: So we went out and shot a short film, all on our own thats full of both!
Bill Hader: Cats and lasers, and I’ve gotta tell you, it came out great! And I–I think it would be perfect for the show.
Lorne Michaels: I don’t know, it doesn’t sound good.
Andy Samberg: Okay, thats fair, but I think you should watch it before you make any final decisions.
V/O: In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of….LASER CATS![Cut to Andy, now as Admiral Spaceship, and Bill, now as Nitro, running around Central Park with toy cats in their arms shooting continuously at the same villain as the titles above the screen read: “Starring: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Written by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Directed by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Cut to the duo now behind a large rock, holding two large, real cats.]
Nitro: Thanks for saving my life earlier today, Admiral Spaceship. I owe you one.
Admiral Spaceship: As long as we have cats that shoot lasers out of their mouths, we’ll be okay.
Nitro: Oh geez! I’m getting a transmission from base![Nitro listens into a headset and starts to press his shoulder strap that reads “Nitro!” as a sound effect beeps along with it.]
Nitro: Hello? The princess has been kidnapped!
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] Robo-tron!
Nitro: Lets roll.[Cut to the duo in what looks like the control room in NBC Studios, they pull a lever as they lean back to make the effect that they’re being pushed back so hard in their “spaceship”.] [Cut to Admiral and Nitro walking down NBC Studios.]
Admiral Spaceship: Boy, I can’t wait to get back to home base.
Nitro: [says as he keeps walking down the hallway nonchalant] Hey, look out! Its a bad guy!
Admiral Spaceship: I got ’em partner![Admiral Spaceship jumps at the bad guy and shoots him with his laser cat as he falls to the ground.] [Cut to two stray cats “shooting” lasers out of their mouths as Admiral and Nitro turn the corner.]
Both: STRAYS![The duo begin to dodge lasers from the strays and fight them off as the scene cuts back to Lorne watching from his office, soaking in the mediocrity as Andy and Bill are hunched watching the tv in suspense munching on peanuts, when Admiral Spaceship and Nitro high five each other, they begin to smile in approval and relief.] [The scene cuts back to the whole movie as Admiral Spaceship rolls across the NBC Cafateria and hides behind a lunch line. He gives Nitro a single with his middle and index fingers pointing to his eyes and then Nitro’s. Nitro is behind the corner, opens and closes his palm, and then begins to point frantically to his left.]
Admiral Spaceship: I don’t–what is that?[Cut to Nitro and Admiral Spaceship hiding behind lunch tables looking at the “princess”.]
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] There’s the princess! We’re going to rescue![The two jump at Lindsay’s lunch table as she is eating lunch and reviewing her script.]
Nitro: Princess, you’re being saved, by us!
Admiral Spaceship: Now that we’ve rescued you, who would you say you like better.
Nitro: [whispers off camera] Say Nitro! Nitro![Lindsay looks confused as to why they’ve come up to her. Cut to Lindsay now with a princess tiara on her head.]
Admiral Spaceship: Now…say you had sex with both of us! [Lindsay seems not to understand what he said the first time] Say you had sex with both of us!
Lindsay Lohan: [disgusted] What?! See, that’s enough! [Lindsay begins to get up from the table.] [Cut to the Princess’ double now at the table with a long black wig on.]
Princess’ Double: I had sex with both you guys.[Admiral Spaceship and Nitro look into the camera triumphantly. Cut to Andy trying to put the tiara back on Lindsay when she is making a phone call. She puts her hand up at him.]
Nitro: Let’s get out of here![The duo cock their cats. Cut to Admiral Spaceship and Nitro walking down the hallway.]
Nitro: Partner, looks like everything’s gonna be alright!
Admiral Spaceship: You said it![Cut to down the other side of the hallway Will Forte dressed in a giant foil covered cardboard box and an aluminum foil mask as Robo-tron.]
Robo-tron: [robotic voice] Puny humans, prepare to die!
Admiral Spaceship: Robo-tron![Robo-tron holds up a real cat as it begins to shoot lasers at them. The duo begins to battle robo-tron with their toy cats as Nitro’s runs out of ammo.]
Nitro: Oh no! I’m out of ammo!
Admiral Spaceship: Take my spare![Admiral Spaceship throws a toy cat to Nitro, they begin to shoot at Robo-tron again when Admiral Spaceship is shot twice. Nitro turns the corner and begins to shoot at Robo-tron with a machine gun like cat.]
Nitro: [half-heartedly] AHH![Nitro shoots at Robo-tron to the point where he explodes and falls to the ground. Nitro then tends to the fallen Admiral Spaceship.]
Nitro: [whispers] Admiral Spaceship!
Admiral Spaceship: Looks like this was a one way ticket, eh kimosabe?
Nitro: Damn these laser cats!
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers quieter and quieter] No, not the laser cats. Damn….us…
Nitro: You stay with me! You stay with me![Admiral Spaceship dies dramatically as Nitro begins to cry.]
Nitro: NOO![The shot goes up to white words that read “The End”. Cut back to Lorne’s office where Lorne looks up at Bill and Andy with dead expression on his face. Bill and Andy are smiling at their creation.]
Andy Samberg: So?
Bill Hader: What do you think?
Lorne Michaels: Get out.
Bill Hader: [same expression as before.] Okay!
Andy Samberg: [same expression as before.] Sounds good![The two leave Lorne’s office as the screen fades to black.]
Submitted by: Alex Davis