Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 17
[Opens with sedated Rick, beer on his hand, sitting onhis living room couch. Kaitlin runs around Rickreading from an Iguana magazine. There is an emptyfishbowl in front of Rick]
Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Listen to this!Iguanas have long fingers and claws to help them climband grasp. They use their strong tail as self defense.They are cold blooded and when they are hatched theyare raised without parental care.
Rick: That doesn’t sound like much fun.
Kaitlin: Did you know that iguanas can fall 40 to 50feet without injury, Rick? Just like me-e-e-e-e![fallsover on the couch next to Rick]
Rick: Don’t get too excited, Kaitlin.
Kaitlin: Rick if this works out maybe we can go to thestore and buy our own.
Kaitlin: And watching this iguana would look reallygood on my baby-sitting resume. Because right now allI have is for my special skills microwave popcorn,scary stories, bedtime enforcement and now I can addadvanced iguana ca-a-a-are!![on Rick’s ear] [Ding-Dong, door]
Kaitlin: Rick! he’s here![jumps up and circles thecouch frantically]Iguana, Rick! He’s here, Rick! Theiguana is here, Rick! The iguana, Rick! He’shere![Rick gets up, opens the door]
Rick: Hey, how you doin’,Eli? Come on in.
Eli: Hey, Rick. Hi, how you doin’?[Enters Eli. He’s an old hippie, long ponytail,carries a big green iguana on his arm]
Rick: Hey, you all ready for your big cruise?
Eli: Oh, all ready as all heck, Rick my bro’. Hey,Kaitlin you got the terrarium, you got the bedding,you’re a real champ, taking care of Miss Reba here.
Kaitlin: Hey Eli, why do you call your iguana MissReba?
Eli: My lady Crystal is a big Reba McIntyre fan andonce after a concert we met the real Reba McIntyre andshe let us take a picture with the iguana sitting onher hair.
Eli: Yeah, my lady Crystal oh, she was desperate forMiss Reba here to come on a cruise with us. But whenwe did a trial run and tried to shove her into my gymbag, she freaked out and turned into a poop machine.
Kaitlin: Plus if you put her on a boat she might getseasick, cause I get really carsick if I’m in a carand not looking straight ahead I’m gonna barf. Do youremember when I was in the backseat playing with mom’scalculator and I barfed in my backpack! That wasg-r-o-double”s”, grooooss!!
Rick: Yeah, that was pretty gross.
Eli: This is her food and there are some instructionsin there as well.[puts it on the table, sits]
Kaitlin: Don’t worry Eli. I’m gonna take great care ofher and I wrote her this song. 2, 3, 4[sings] I’mgonna love your iguana and your iguana is gonna loveme-e-e-e!![stops singing]
Rick: So Eli, how’s your airbrushing business going?
Eli: Oh, it couldn’t be better Rick my bro’. Ah,youknow mostly vans, muscle t-shirts, jean jackets. Ijust landed my first corporate account with FancyPants and I’m thinking of doing them a shirt with alady in a bikini riding a tiger, right?
Rick: Oh, that makes sense.
Kaitlin: Hey, Eli. As her primary caretaker, can I askyou a few questions?
Kaitlin: Does she likes to wear hats?
Kaitlin: Does she goes on a trampoline?
Kaitlin: But she would let a mouse ride on her back?
Eli: No,wait. Maybe.
Kaitlin: Does she like microwave popcorn?
Kaitlin: Well, awesome cause tonight we’re gonna makemicrowave popcorn and then we’re gonna read each otherhoroscopes cause I’m an Aquarius and [sings and dancesaround]this is the dawn of the new Aquarius, age ofAquarius!! AQUARIUS!!! AQUARIUUUUUUUS!![right onRick’s ear]
Rick: Relax, Kaitlin.
Eli: Hey, now you got to be careful now especially ifyou let her out to stretch her legs. Last week she atemy stack of vintage Playboys like it was a salad.
Kaitlin: I know, cause one time I was wearingChristmas lights as a belt and my jeans were still wetand when I plugged my belt i got sh-o-o-o-cked and Ihad total amnesia for like one minute and I said toJesus:”If this is my time to wipe my slate clean,please give me a new identity where I work at DiaryQueen and I can get on a mic and call people’s nameswhen their burgers are ready. Cheryl!, your burger isready! Thomas!, come get your peanut butter parfait.Rick!,your cheeseburger’s ready”,[in his ear] Rick!,Rick!, Rick!
Rick: Ok Kaitlin, calm down. Let’s get Eli on theroad, ok? And we’ll take care of the iguana, get himsome food.
Eli: Ok, now Kaitlin here we go. You just put your armout just like so[iguana rests on Eli’s forearm] andMiss Reba will walk right on to you.[Suspenseful music. Close-up of Kaitlin’s face frozenwith fear, cut to close up on the iguana’s face, cutto Kaitlin scared, cut to iguana]
Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick. I don’t want to touchthe iguana.
Eli: Kaitlin no,it’s ok. She likes you. I can tell bythe look on her face.[Close-up on the iguana’s unfriendly stare]
Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
Rick:[let’s her off the hook]Hey, Kaitlin why don’t wejust let her relax in the cage for a minute. Ease intothings a little.[Eli puts the iguana in the empty fishbowl]
Kaitlin: Good idea, Rick. I don’t know why you’re soscared of her.
Eli: All right, folks. I’m off. I am looking forwardto 4 days on a boat where I don’t have to share mybrass bed with a jealous reptile. Hey, peace, love,understanding, what’s wrong with it?[leaves]
Rick: Have a good trip, Eli.[Rick sits with Kaitlin looking at the iguana]
Kaitlin: Rick can Miss Reba stay in her cage?
Kaitlin: If she needs to be fed, can you do it?
Kaitlin: Can she climb stairs?
Kaitlin: Can I sleep with the lights on?
Rick: Yes[fade] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel