Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 17
Tom Hanks’ Monologue
Woman in Audience…..Liz Cackowski
Father Gregory Sante…..Fred Armisen
Man in Audience…..Bryan Tucker
Albino Monk…..Bill Hader
Pope Benedict XVI…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tom Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thak you. Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you! You know, it’s great to be hosting “SNL” for my eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. You know, a lot of you probably know that I’m in a new movie that’s coming out, called “The Da Vinci Code.” It’s coming out soon – thank you. Well, what you may not know – you may not know this, because I didn’t know this until recently. It’s actually based on a book, of the same time. Interesting, huh?
So, anyway – we shot the movie in Europe, for about four months. We were in Paris, and London, and Scotland. I kept a video diary, because I knew I was going to be doing this show. so, if you would like to —
Woman in Audience: Uh, Mr. Hanks? Mr. Hanks?
Tom Hanks: What? Yes? You have, what – a question?
Woman in Audience: Yes, I’m really sorry to interrupt, but – there’s a lot of controversy about “The Da Vinci Code.” Aren’t you worried about the reaction from the Catholic church?
Tom Hanks: Oh. Now, actually, many people in the church are going to be using the film to open up a dialogue, and, perhaps, to draw people into their fold. So, no. No, I don’t think that —
Father Gregory Sante: Mr. Hanks? Mr. Hanks?
Tom Hanks: Yes?
Father Gregory Sante: Hi, I’m Father Gregory Sante, from the archdiocese here in New York. We have just one thing we’d like to ask you.
Tom Hanks: [ uneasy ] Alright.
Father Gregory Sante: What’s the deal with your hair?
Tom Hanks: Well, I, uh – I kind of grew it out for the movie. I kind of like it.
Father Gregory Sante: Really?
Tom Hanks: Yes. Really. so, if we could just – if you want to look at that video diary —
Priest: Mr. Hanks?
Tom Hanks: Uh-oh. Yes? You.
Priest: Mr. Hanks, I was wondering: when you were making the film, and you were meeting with the producers, and writers, and the director – in all that creative process, did you ever wonder what it would feel like to burn in eternity hellfire?
Tom Hanks: Well, uh, you know, when you come right down to it, it’s really the director who makes all the decisions. And that, of course, is Ron Howard, the guy from “Happy Days.” So, uh – [ glances at the audience ] Yes? Yes?
Man in Audience: Hi, um – I just want to tell you, I object to the way Albino monks are portrayed in the movie. Um, you seem to be “They’re all creepy and evil, all of them?”
Albino Monk: [ stands ] Actually, uh – I am an Albino monk, and, uh – we’re pretty creepy.
Man in Audience: Never mind. [ they both sit ]
Tom Hanks: [ glances at the audience ] Yes? Yes, uh, Sister, yes?
Nun: [ standing, with obvious rope tied to her backside ] Yes. As someone who has donned the holy cloth of the church, I find it very offensive that, for the sole purpose of entertaining — [ the ropes lift, and she flies over the crowd, screaming for joy ]
Tom Hanks: Uh, so anyway – [ looks to the side of the audience ] oh, uh, yes. Yes, you have a question, your Holiness?
Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in a Latin accent ]
Tom Hanks: Oh, oh. This is in Latin. Okay.
Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in Latin, with subtitles ] “I wrote this script about a priest and a movie star who team up to fight crime. Do you think you could take a look at it?”
Tom Hanks: Oh! Oh, of course. Sure!
Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in Latin, with subtitles ] “You’d be perfect as the movie star, and as for the priest, I’m thinking Vince Vaughn.”
Tom Hanks: [ speaks back in Latin ] “You might want to contact Ron Howard at email@example.com.” [ looks among the audience ] Uh – oh, yes. Dear Lord!
Jason Sudeikis: [ dressed as Jesus ] Mr. Hanks. I saw your film, and I just want you know that I forgive you.
Tom Hanks: So, you don’t have a problem with “The Da Vinci Code”?
Jason Sudeikis: No, I haven’t seen that. I was forgiving you for making “The Terminal.”
Tom Hanks: Come on! That was a delightful movie!
Jason Sudeikis: Oh, come on! It should have been called “Interminal”, huh?Tom Hanks: Ah ha, very funny.
Jason Sudeikis: Seriously! I saw it on an airplane, and people were still walking out!
Tom Hanks: Alright, alright, yeah, okay. You’re one of the new cast members, aren’t you? What is it – Sudeikis, right?
Jason Sudeikis: Uh – yeah.
Tom Hanks: Yeah, you know Steven Spielberg directed “The Terminal”?
Jason Sudeikis: Uh – yeah, I was aware of that.
Tom Hanks: Wow. So, you’re taking on both the Son of Man and Steven Spielberg in the same show.
Jason Sudeikis: [ chuckles nervously ] No, no, no, what I meant was, uh — [ begins to peel his fake beard off ]
Tom Hanks: I hope that works for you. I’m sure we’ll see you in September! Anyway – Anthony, Flea, John, Chad – Red Hot Chili Peppers! are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!