SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 05/06/06: Tennis Players

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  Season 31: Episode 17

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Tennis Players

Douglas…..Will Forte
Richard…..Tom Hanks
Skip…..Chris Parnell
Toby…..Bill Hader

[ open on empty tennis court, two benches resting against a chain link fence with tennis paraphenalia spread across them ] [ Douglas and Richard run into frame from opposite ends. Richard is very noticably missing an arm on the right side of his body. Both men talk with snooty, members-only accents. ]

Douglas: Hey, Richard, great job out there —

Richard: Oh, thank you, Douglas, thank you —

Douglas: Your tennis is looking better!

Richard: Thank you! I’m really excited about the club tournament next week. Josh and Baron are toast, and we! Are going to be the toast-er! [ uses his one arm to towel-wipe the sweat from his face ]

Douglas: [ his expression changes ] Yes. Well. About that, uh.. Richard, I have some rather bad news to tell you about our tennis partnership. [ Richard stops wiping his face ] Richard, I’m sorry to say that I think we’re going to have to call it quits!

Richard: Douglas, what are you saying?!

Douglas: Well, I reaize that we’ve had so many great years together, and I just think we’re moving in different directions, tennis-wise.

Richard: Ohhh, is this because of the accident?

Douglas: [ tries to cleverly not look at Richard’s missing arm ] Oh, uh.. did you have.. some sort of.. accident?

Richard: Well.. yeah, actually. A pretty bad one, actually. I-I came out of it minus one arm!

Douglas: Ohh, Richard, I wasn’t aware of that! I’m really sorry to hear that.

Richard: Oh, I’m kind of surprised you didn’t notice. You sure this has nothing to do.. with the loss of my dominant playing arm?

Douglas: No, nothing to do with the arm. Just a difference of tennis the last few weeks —

Richard: Oh! Differences?! Like what?!

Douglas: Well, for instance, in respect to lobs! You prefer to smash them across the court; I prefer to hit them really hard across the court!

Richard: Now, with all due respect, that’s kind of the same thing! Y-you sure there isn’t anything else?

Douglas: Well.. That’s.. it.. really.

Richard: Oh. So. Just because we do basically the same thing with lobs, you’re going to throw away twenty-five years of tennis and lovemaking!

Douglas: Look, I — [ Will Forte reacts as though hearing the last part of that statement for the first time ] Richard, I know this is hard for you, but you just don’t have the arms to — excuse me, I mean — we just have a difference of opinions, tennis-wise!

Skip V/O: [ calling offscreen ] Douglas! Yoo-hoo!

[ Skip runs into frame. In addition to two good arms, he has an extra arm clutching a tennis racquet that protrudes from the center of his chest. ]

Skip: Ready to play tennis, new doubles partner?

Richard: Oh, son of a bee sting! “Three Arms” Skip Prosser is your new tennis partner?! And I’m supposed to believe this has nothing to do with arm quanitity?! Phooey!

Douglas: Richard! Language! Look – Skip’s third arm has nothing to do with my decision! Our new partnership was forged from identical lob philosophy!

Richard: Well, well, then I guess there’s nothing left to say, except, “I’ll see you on the court!”

Skip: Ooh, we’ll be waiting for that day! It’ll be the same day that you grow a new dominant playing arm! [ chuckles ]

Douglas: At bay, Skip! At bay!

Richard: Ohhh, I don’t know that it’ll be that far into the future. You see, I already have a new partner.

Douglas: Well, gasp! How did you get a partner so fast?

Richard: Oh, long story short. When I was brunching with Elias D’arcy — yes, that Elias D’arcy — he gave me this advice: “Always have a contingency plan at the ready!” Let me introduce you to mine. [ calls offscreen ] Toby!

Toby V/O: [ offscreen ] Hey, guy!

[ Toby runs into frame. He has seven arms ]

Skip: “Seven Arm” Toby slavin! I thought you retired?!

Toby: Retired? Hardly! I was lured away by a very lucrative offer from an Alaskan fishing cannery, who believed – and, rightly so – that I could do the job of three-and-a-half men. Ten years later, I’m back in tennis!

Richard: Mmm-hmm! [ to Douglas and Skip ] And this canning experience will come in handy on the court, when we open a huge can. Of. Whoop-Ass on your little doubles squad!

Douglas: Is that a chal-lange?

Richard: Oh, you bet your soiled underpants it’s a chal-lange! [ to Toby ] I used to do the team laundry, Toby – secret!

Douglas: You S.O.B.! That’s secret info!

Richard: Oh!

Douglas: You know it! accept it!

All: To the courts!!!!

[ the two teams run in opposite directions to their playing positions on the tennis court ] [ fade ]

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