SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 05/06/06: Tennis Players


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  Season 31: Episode 17

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Tennis Players

Douglas…..Will Forte
Richard…..Tom Hanks
Skip…..Chris Parnell
Toby…..Bill Hader

[ open on empty tennis court, two benches resting against a chain link fence with tennis paraphenalia spread across them ] [ Douglas and Richard run into frame from opposite ends. Richard is very noticably missing an arm on the right side of his body. Both men talk with snooty, members-only accents. ]

Douglas: Hey, Richard, great job out there —

Richard: Oh, thank you, Douglas, thank you —

Douglas: Your tennis is looking better!

Richard: Thank you! I’m really excited about the club tournament next week. Josh and Baron are toast, and we! Are going to be the toast-er! [ uses his one arm to towel-wipe the sweat from his face ]

Douglas: [ his expression changes ] Yes. Well. About that, uh.. Richard, I have some rather bad news to tell you about our tennis partnership. [ Richard stops wiping his face ] Richard, I’m sorry to say that I think we’re going to have to call it quits!

Richard: Douglas, what are you saying?!

Douglas: Well, I reaize that we’ve had so many great years together, and I just think we’re moving in different directions, tennis-wise.

Richard: Ohhh, is this because of the accident?

Douglas: [ tries to cleverly not look at Richard’s missing arm ] Oh, uh.. did you have.. some sort of.. accident?

Richard: Well.. yeah, actually. A pretty bad one, actually. I-I came out of it minus one arm!

Douglas: Ohh, Richard, I wasn’t aware of that! I’m really sorry to hear that.

Richard: Oh, I’m kind of surprised you didn’t notice. You sure this has nothing to do.. with the loss of my dominant playing arm?

Douglas: No, nothing to do with the arm. Just a difference of tennis the last few weeks —

Richard: Oh! Differences?! Like what?!

Douglas: Well, for instance, in respect to lobs! You prefer to smash them across the court; I prefer to hit them really hard across the court!

Richard: Now, with all due respect, that’s kind of the same thing! Y-you sure there isn’t anything else?

Douglas: Well.. That’s.. it.. really.

Richard: Oh. So. Just because we do basically the same thing with lobs, you’re going to throw away twenty-five years of tennis and lovemaking!

Douglas: Look, I — [ Will Forte reacts as though hearing the last part of that statement for the first time ] Richard, I know this is hard for you, but you just don’t have the arms to — excuse me, I mean — we just have a difference of opinions, tennis-wise!

Skip V/O: [ calling offscreen ] Douglas! Yoo-hoo!

[ Skip runs into frame. In addition to two good arms, he has an extra arm clutching a tennis racquet that protrudes from the center of his chest. ]

Skip: Ready to play tennis, new doubles partner?

Richard: Oh, son of a bee sting! “Three Arms” Skip Prosser is your new tennis partner?! And I’m supposed to believe this has nothing to do with arm quanitity?! Phooey!

Douglas: Richard! Language! Look – Skip’s third arm has nothing to do with my decision! Our new partnership was forged from identical lob philosophy!

Richard: Well, well, then I guess there’s nothing left to say, except, “I’ll see you on the court!”

Skip: Ooh, we’ll be waiting for that day! It’ll be the same day that you grow a new dominant playing arm! [ chuckles ]

Douglas: At bay, Skip! At bay!

Richard: Ohhh, I don’t know that it’ll be that far into the future. You see, I already have a new partner.

Douglas: Well, gasp! How did you get a partner so fast?

Richard: Oh, long story short. When I was brunching with Elias D’arcy — yes, that Elias D’arcy — he gave me this advice: “Always have a contingency plan at the ready!” Let me introduce you to mine. [ calls offscreen ] Toby!

Toby V/O: [ offscreen ] Hey, guy!

[ Toby runs into frame. He has seven arms ]

Skip: “Seven Arm” Toby slavin! I thought you retired?!

Toby: Retired? Hardly! I was lured away by a very lucrative offer from an Alaskan fishing cannery, who believed – and, rightly so – that I could do the job of three-and-a-half men. Ten years later, I’m back in tennis!

Richard: Mmm-hmm! [ to Douglas and Skip ] And this canning experience will come in handy on the court, when we open a huge can. Of. Whoop-Ass on your little doubles squad!

Douglas: Is that a chal-lange?

Richard: Oh, you bet your soiled underpants it’s a chal-lange! [ to Toby ] I used to do the team laundry, Toby – secret!

Douglas: You S.O.B.! That’s secret info!

Richard: Oh!

Douglas: You know it! accept it!

All: To the courts!!!!

[ the two teams run in opposite directions to their playing positions on the tennis court ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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